There’s nothing to fear, but what if ??

Hello again beautiful friends and I hope this second day of spring is finding you a little more in tune with warmer weather, chirping birds and all that is wonderful in this life.
I apologize for not being around lately but when life gets in the way, sometimes we need to take some time to regroup, focus and then take that next step forward.
I am writing today about a topic that does not sit well with me. FEAR. I like to think of it as a four letter word that should be banished but even I am susceptible to its intrusion.
image
We all have that little knob somewhere inside. I think mine has a mind of its own as it likes to turn itself on when least expected and when it rushes out full force I quake.
I am not afraid of a lot of things. Some people fear failure, some have a fear of trying and some just fear clowns or anything else that to some may be just plain silly, but fear is personal. It reaches into our inner recesses and pulls out the old heart thumping, life shattering, mind altering patterns. I recently lost a friend. This friend and I had not talked in a few years but she was at heart a gentle soul. She had demons she battled and I was always afraid of hearing of her life ending…She was a writer of poetry and her mind often spent times in very dark places. She reminded me of myself when I was younger and I think that’s how we became friends in the first place. We parted ways in the way that people come in and out of our lives…just kind of drifted away. I always thought of her and recently was notified of her passing. BAM….what I had always feared came true. Now she was young, dying before her 27th birthday and I just felt crushed. But with that crushing came back all of those old fears again…
image
What if our thoughts made things happen..
What if bad things were now going to start happening in my life?
What if…what if….I think you know what I’m saying.
I had felt so at peace, like all was right with the world and things were going to be fabulous. Now this. In my life things go in threes. Always happens. But the fear is now lingering and likes to show its ugly head to me when I least expect it and for me, that is when I sleep. I know it’s happening too as it goes on. I have become a pro at doing a flip on my thoughts even while asleep. I recognize the fear for what it is and I immediately change my thought to something positive. Images that are good or even downright silly. Last night it was images of soft baby bunnies. Must have been an Easter thought or something, and it worked. A moment later my mind changed direction again and more horrible fear filled images surfaced. Again I switched images…unicorns this time, shining in sunlight (did I tell you how white horses with shining horns looking so happy make me feel nice and fuzzy inside?). So good, now the fear is gone. I must have been restless as the hounds now woke me up, keeping in mind this is around 2 am and I was attempting to get a good night sleep. I trod down the stairs in my fuzzy pink energizer bunny bathrobe and threw on some shoes, grabbed the flashlight and proceeded to read the little idgits the riot act. Stay close, you wander off on my I’ll be pissed…and a few F bombs thrown in for good measure. That will strike the fear into them I thought. Hmmmm….striking the fear into them? Maybe not such a good plan in hindsight I thought. Out into the cold darkness they bolted. My first thoughts being, first day of spring and skunks have been around and going on a road trip of 21 hours in a week with skunked dogs will not be any fun what so ever. I yell into the darkness for them to get back here this instant (and at times like these remind myself of my mother) and nope, nothing. Not coming back. So now I am angry. I pull my earplugs out of my ears (I have to sleep with them as I can hear a cow pass wind 5 miles away on a clear night and every little thing wakes me up) and a sound I fear most of all reaches my ears.
Coyotes. Coyotes close by and from the sounds of it quite a few. Yipping and howling at the moon. My dogs are out there.
My heart is beating out of my chest like it needs to escape and I just scream out NO NO NO!!!! I was petrified. My poor dogs. What have I done. NO! Fear. It is not a fun thing. My hands shaking I wave the flashlight to the woods and the howling stops and I finally hear the jingle of the tags on the dogs. They came back safe. They were alright.
I am now wide awake and cursing myself and asking myself what to do now. Stay up and write or try to sleep. I felt that sleep was necessary and after a short time (half hour short?) I was able to fall back to sleep. I kept replaying the moments during that half hour. Like watching my life on the big screen in my mind and imagining the worst outcomes. I finally stopped myself. Why am I doing this? They are okay. Let it go. Find some peace and let it go. So I started flipping my thoughts as I did during sleep. Imagining our road trip, having fun? cooped up in a truck for 21 hours. Happy dogs going on the big adventure. It finally allowed myself to go back to sleep.
This is just a story to illustrate how my fears work and how I deal with them. I would love to hear about what helps you to cope when fears arise in your life?
image
I know what triggers mine. Loss. Then I imagine more loss because of the “happens in threes” syndrome. I am going to let that fear go of the three’s. I will process the one loss I have currently and change my thoughts that there will be no more.
I am not afraid of death. I am not afraid of dying. I am not going to let the fear of loss stop me from this journey I am on. When we let fear overwhelm us, we let the darkness in and I will be damned if I am going to let anything block the light in my life. I will embrace each moment as its own moment. I will not compound fear upon fear till all that remains is the fear.
I will rise against the fear carousel and jump off that damn dragon and ride the fun unicorn. I will stand up to it and in doing so, reclaim the peace and serenity that will set me free to take the next steps.
Reinvention is about change.
It is about changing our thoughts to become the person we want to be. It is about learning to overcome our fears of not being good enough, about seeing the beauty that we are, it is about standing up and finding the courage to do something new and not following the yesterday path of fears of “its always been this way so it always will be” thought patterns.
I close my eyes and see myself as a superhero. I will stand up in the darkness, fight off the things that go bump in the night and I will howl back to the moon that it will all be okay. That it all will be good and that I will make it so!
Thoughts become things so choose awesome ones and let the four letter word Fear go its own way….it never was any fun anyway.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s