The days of a fraud….turning the lie to truth.

Hello most amazing and beautiful people. I apologize for not being around much lately, as the reason will be part of this post today. I’ve been actually doing some heavy reading and soul-searching. I know to be truly happy and at peace you have to constantly strive to improve your life, whether it be health, love, addiction, etc…any areas that can be cleaned up a bit is a good thing. But once you clear out the cobwebs and really, I mean REALLY look below the surface and see what lies below, what happens when you realize it was a lie? It is ugly down there and closing your eyes and hiding is no longer an option. What happens when you finally realize that the ugliness no longer serves? What happens when every place you try to hide has become a little lighter and there are no more shadows to crawl into? What happens when you let yourself out of your box just a little bit and realize “This ain’t so bad after all”.
When you face that fear head on and say no matter what, you’re going to make it through because there is nothing to fear except the voices that keep telling you it is a crazy scary place and girl/boy, you don’t want to be poking your head in that place.
image
I always looked at my life-like how I visualize the ocean. when it is calm and peaceful and the sun sets after a very long day I can sit beside the water and just feel grounded for awhile, I can be a part of the whole. And then I rise up and have to head back home to the shadows of my fears and hide. I left a piece of myself behind in that soft wet water and now I don’t have that blissful feeling anymore. I left the treasure behind. Well truth is I really didn’t leave it behind, I just hid it away again. When I am not in that happy place I get so very angry with myself for not being there. I mean, I know how to get there but I let excuses lead me back to the darkness. I leave myself behind and become what everyone else wants me to be, or at least my perception of what they want me to be is. Man, that is the suckiest feeling. And it sucks because I let it. I eat to make myself feel better, leaving me feeling like crap afterwards and then I starve myself of the things I enjoy because I had too many calories….
I look in the mirror and still tell myself how beautiful I am and I truly believe it. Do you want to know why? Because once I ballooned up to 189 pounds (yeah, I’m putting it out there) I told myself that it was OK. Yep, hide the head in the sand some more. I started to play a trick with myself and by golly it worked. I cut out some things that I enjoyed immensely and if I get pissed off I drink water. I don’t eat a bowl of ice cream. If I feel sad I get up and shake my hips ’cause no one can be upset when a girl with no rhythm gets up and shakes it. It makes me smile. I CUT out the sugar. No more donuts on donut day, no more vending machine crap, just granola if I feel the need for the sweet snack, and if I want ice cream, I have a tiny bowl that I have at home that holds about 3 tablespoons full. Perfect. I have lost 12 pounds now and I still looked at myself this morning and felt beautiful. Naked in front of the mirror, stretchy marks and fading tattoos and all. But it doesn’t solve the underlying issue. I shouldn’t have to eat when I’m upset. So how to deal with what upsets me. Now when you’re at the ocean you will have quiet smooth waves days and then you will have “Oh shit, here comes the storm, grab the umbrella” days.
image
The wind is whipping the sand at your legs and the rain lashes you and the waves would suck you in if they had the chance. I see people out there swimming but I don’t dare as I am afraid. I don’t want to drown. I’m not strong enough, or maybe I’m just smart. Not sure to tell you the truth. But those waves come crashing down and those are like every little thing that comes along to upset me. Life, work, family, you name it. Anything can upset the apple cart. I want the smooth water but when I get those big assed waves what to do? It’s only nature, and it’s going to happen. Do I choose to be upset about something that is out of my control? Well, sometimes yes and that is where the problem arises. We have no control over circumstances for the most part but we can have control over how we react to it. I can get treated with a complete lack of respect and allow the situation to escalate or I can take my ball and walk off the court till things subside. If I am facing anger, I need to breathe. It is NOT about me. It is about the person who is pissing you off, but you don’t have to be pissed. Let it go. Let that big wave wash right back out to sea and you can go to the sand dune and watch it and maybe wave to it as it disappears. I don’t need to go to the ice cream shack. Not gonna do me any good after all except make me angry with myself. Now I am not saying that I have a perfect body, hell no but it is mine and I am finally beginning to embrace that woman goddess that I am. I am ME. I am the only one who has to be happy with ME. If someone else makes a comment about how I look, that is their opinion and has nothing to do with me. It is their perception. But in the meantime if it is a compliment, I will take it with a big happy smile because I am making the difference in my life. I have traded non stop BBQ meat party and invited myself to a lunch of jasmine rice with some steamed veggies of awesome colors and a wedge (just a little bit) of a fine cheese and maybe even a glass of red wine. Or not. And lots of water. Water is the new best friend. I stand up when I want to and dance, and I smile again. I cannot hide behind the Snickers and the Breyer’s any longer. I cannot try to please anyone else. I please myself. I am worthy and I am good enough and this body is responding like a rock star. I tried to hula hoop the other night with the girls and had a blast. Why have I not done this before? The way my muscles felt when I was done was amazing and it felt so very good. There was a calm happy feeling that washed over me and I realized I wasn’t by the beach and the calm water. It didn’t matter. I had found the treasure in being myself, looking like a fool and just having an amazing time being me. I wasn’t worried about my T-shirt sliding around or someone looking at my stomach and I knew that the missing piece was in loving myself. Being Me. Loving me.
image
I am sure there will be more waves to push me around but I’m willing to get out there in the water and face up to the storm. The worst that will happen is I may start to drown but I know the right words to save myself. I am beautiful and I believe in me. Calm water, rough water, I will float and be the mermaid goddess that I was meant to be.
image

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “The days of a fraud….turning the lie to truth.

  1. cote8050

    WOW, good for you, such a hard time but you really sound like you are strong and are making a change for yourself! Wonderful work and words! much love and light to you… Michelle

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    1. InfiniteZip Post author

      Thanks Michelle, it is just the tip of the melting iceberg…enjoying the painful at times bumpy ride…I will rise and ride that wave like a true surfer goddess😊🏄🏻

      Like

      Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s