The tears of a clown….more lies to truth.

Good day and hello my beautiful friends. Another Saturday finds me listening to the new roof being hammered into place by the guys who are inspiring me once again to take down the old and put up the new. Years have gone by and the roof has stood up to the pounding effects of Western New York snow, wind and rain and even sometimes sun. The time has come for refreshment/repair. Just like us. You and me. We have gone through years of everything under the sun and we have spent years building layers, masks so to speak, and after awhile that mask gets a bit saggy and tired. Heck, it weighs so much and we may think under all of those layers lies such ugliness that we don’t DARE take it off. Maybe even with loved ones we hold that sucker firmly in place, we are ordinary beings and nothing special, right? Aw come on, you and I know better than that. We are awesome. We are rock stars. But if you are like me, you often forget it. You get caught up behind that mask and when the tears fall and slip out from below we feel so very vulnerable and we often run away and hide so that no one can see that we too can slip. Oh No, they can see that we aren’t perfect. They pity us. They are people who have all of their shit together and we are just make believe selves hiding.

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We may have the most beautiful facade but we are afraid. We are so worried about what others think of us and truth be known, people most often think only of themselves. You worry for nothing. Yet still we keep up that mask. We hide the sorrow behind the happy clown smile as if it is shameful just to be ourselves. Why? What would happen if we stripped off that mask and just let the warts show once and for all? What if we aren’t perfect? Well, then we’d find out the truth. The fact that we are just like everyone else. Everyone wears masks. It’s just that no one wants to admit it. How many of you enjoy Halloween? As a kid I think it was my favorite holiday. Why you may ask? Because it was the one day out of the year I could be anyone I wanted. I could be amazing. I could be a superhero, a princess or something else equally as amazing. But it was only for one day. Once I got home with my loot (the big bag of candy) the laughter kind of drifted away and I became plain old me again. It made me sad. I was just me again. I couldn’t pretend anymore to be something I wasn’t. What if we could be what we wanted? What if we could be amazing? Well contrary to popular belief we can. It is a little thing called self confidence. It is a word called honesty. It is a belief in ourselves and it involves taking off the fake mask and replacing it with a miraculous shining happy face that lies beneath.

 

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It is there, we’ve just forgotten what it looks like. We are just afraid of what we may find. When we become honest with ourselves we find that things begin to change. The mask slips a little, we connect on a deeper level with ourselves and others. When we are honest we have courage. It’s really not so bad. No one is laughing. No one is pointing fingers saying “look at her, who does she think she is? She has problems, she isn’t perfect either” because no one is and deep within we all know it. Be yourself. Think of yourself any way you want, just make sure it is honest. If you are a rock star super goddess, then that is what you are! But be real, and be you. Shine like the sun and go deep inside and heal that little child who is afraid. Be the lion and ask for courage and you will find you already have it, you have just hidden it away for far too long. A beautiful person is one who can be REAL by being honest with others and themselves. You know these people when you meet them. They connect because they have such happy energy surrounding them. They are the ones who may have a zit on their nose that they don’t try to hide (because things heal quicker when they are left open to the air instead of covered and festering), they are the ones who have some love handles, or as my Mom likes to call them muffin tops. Yep, I got some of that…built by muffins actually but they are slowly going away. Why? Because I stopped hiding them. I stopped worrying about them. I HAVE A MUFFIN TOP SO THERE. I am not perfect. I am not going to wear the mask anymore. If I want to cry, then I will cry. If I say something wrong, I will apologize. But I will not let anyone else define who I am. I have taken off the mask and have seen what lies below. It was ugly. It was my inner self that needed the jump start to be real. I stared into the face of the beast and the beast began to shrink before my eyes. I began to like myself again. I began to take a stand for myself and to be the person who I was really meant to be. I was free to be me.

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It is still a work in progress, a reinvention intention so to speak and it will last the rest of my life. I learn something new every day about life and myself and if I find something that I don’t like, I don’t try to hide it, I take steps to change it. You may or may not know who you are because you just never wanted to know, but if you want to know just take off the mask. You may be a mother, a sister, a wife or a friend but that is not who YOU really are. Your mask may be food, alcohol, drugs, or anything else that serves to hide your true self. I have many masks and they are all slipping away. I am afraid of what I may find but it is only because I know it is going to change the ME I’ve come to know.
I used to drink every night. I became someone who was not me. I made excuses and hid away under the alcohol relaxed happy party girl. I changed for others. I looked in the mirror and even though the little voice in my head said “Girl, you know better, you’re much smarter than this…so why”? So I stopped. I took that step and just stopped. I didn’t die. I didn’t curl up in pain and no one hated me for this change.
I had a hellish day at work and I went home and instead of reaching for my typical glass of wine or ultra light beer I went outside in the sun filled air and I walked through the woods and just breathed. I drank lots of water. I slept badly the first night and after that the next few nights I slept good. I did not have my usual vibrant dreams and that made me sad but I know they will return. I lost another two pounds and I lived. Nothing bad happened. I am becoming myself again, I have just hidden me away for so long enough and I knew something was missing. I didn’t love ME. I am learning to again and WOW, that feels so good. The silence of thoughts echo and the panic and fears are dissipating. Things are going to happen out of my control. I can only control myself and I had to let go of the anxiety, lose the negativiity that surrounded me. I let the mask slip some more and no one was laughing or judging me. The only one who had been judging me had been myself. What a freeing moment it was.

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I am finding as I change it may not sit well with others and I am ok with that because I can’t pretend to be someone other than who I am. I will deal the best I can with the repercussions. None of us can sustain the mask and be happy. You just can’t have the mask and the self. It is one or the other. Hide or be real. So if you get anything from this story on my daily journey to self, please feel free to share, let the mask slip a little because you are going to find the only way we are going to get through each day and climb our way out of the darkness is with a little help from our friends. They have their masks too. Together we can be naked faced (to actually just be ourselves). It has to start somewhere. Baby steps are still steps taken. I stand here naked before you and I am ok even with my Muffin top hanging out because I may as well show it off….it won’t be there much longer and I wish I could say I will miss it, but I will only miss the message it served, to inspire me to believe in myself and take the steps to change, to go back in time and be a truthful messenger of words to myself. Gotta run and get some more water….out of coffee (missed the reminder message from the hubs to pick it up yesterday-not all messages get heard says the messenger) and still bright eyed…..Be a rock star, get up on that stage and rock your fine self in all of your blemished not so perfect glory. I will be there clapping and shouting out YAY you!!!! Can I have your autograph?

Peace and love to you and see you at the naked ball πŸ˜ŽπŸ’œ

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2 thoughts on “The tears of a clown….more lies to truth.

  1. Ka Malana@Fiestaestrellas.com

    Hi Kim πŸ˜€
    Hah! this part made me giggle a little, because we all know how true this is, regarding zits, “they are the ones who may have a zit on their nose that they don’t try to hide (because things heal quicker when they are left open to the air instead of covered and festering).” I think that the fear with removing masks is that there’s nothing underneath, not that the underneath is ugly, or wicked (although anything is possible) but that it’s all just smoke and mirrors – the illusion of being a separate self. At some point, there’s really no identity to protect – there’s just the sacred truth that we are all squishy and changeable. We are all just living in an environment that influences us, and we make decisions every day about how it influences us, and where and how we want to situate ourselves in it. Here’s to dancing at the naked ball! Cheers to a new roof as well! πŸ™‚ Great blog post and photos! ❀ xo Ka

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    1. InfiniteZip Post author

      Hello dear Ka, I was blessed as a kid with very little acne…just pesky moles….I truly thank you for your comment. Squishy is fun as long as we can accept it for what it is, to embrace that which we are and not change for others or hide behind a false facade. Works in progress, we will all be fine works of art😊 peace and blessings, Kim 😎

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