Tag Archives: baby steps

The tears of a clown….more lies to truth.

Good day and hello my beautiful friends. Another Saturday finds me listening to the new roof being hammered into place by the guys who are inspiring me once again to take down the old and put up the new. Years have gone by and the roof has stood up to the pounding effects of Western New York snow, wind and rain and even sometimes sun. The time has come for refreshment/repair. Just like us. You and me. We have gone through years of everything under the sun and we have spent years building layers, masks so to speak, and after awhile that mask gets a bit saggy and tired. Heck, it weighs so much and we may think under all of those layers lies such ugliness that we don’t DARE take it off. Maybe even with loved ones we hold that sucker firmly in place, we are ordinary beings and nothing special, right? Aw come on, you and I know better than that. We are awesome. We are rock stars. But if you are like me, you often forget it. You get caught up behind that mask and when the tears fall and slip out from below we feel so very vulnerable and we often run away and hide so that no one can see that we too can slip. Oh No, they can see that we aren’t perfect. They pity us. They are people who have all of their shit together and we are just make believe selves hiding.

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We may have the most beautiful facade but we are afraid. We are so worried about what others think of us and truth be known, people most often think only of themselves. You worry for nothing. Yet still we keep up that mask. We hide the sorrow behind the happy clown smile as if it is shameful just to be ourselves. Why? What would happen if we stripped off that mask and just let the warts show once and for all? What if we aren’t perfect? Well, then we’d find out the truth. The fact that we are just like everyone else. Everyone wears masks. It’s just that no one wants to admit it. How many of you enjoy Halloween? As a kid I think it was my favorite holiday. Why you may ask? Because it was the one day out of the year I could be anyone I wanted. I could be amazing. I could be a superhero, a princess or something else equally as amazing. But it was only for one day. Once I got home with my loot (the big bag of candy) the laughter kind of drifted away and I became plain old me again. It made me sad. I was just me again. I couldn’t pretend anymore to be something I wasn’t. What if we could be what we wanted? What if we could be amazing? Well contrary to popular belief we can. It is a little thing called self confidence. It is a word called honesty. It is a belief in ourselves and it involves taking off the fake mask and replacing it with a miraculous shining happy face that lies beneath.

 

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It is there, we’ve just forgotten what it looks like. We are just afraid of what we may find. When we become honest with ourselves we find that things begin to change. The mask slips a little, we connect on a deeper level with ourselves and others. When we are honest we have courage. It’s really not so bad. No one is laughing. No one is pointing fingers saying “look at her, who does she think she is? She has problems, she isn’t perfect either” because no one is and deep within we all know it. Be yourself. Think of yourself any way you want, just make sure it is honest. If you are a rock star super goddess, then that is what you are! But be real, and be you. Shine like the sun and go deep inside and heal that little child who is afraid. Be the lion and ask for courage and you will find you already have it, you have just hidden it away for far too long. A beautiful person is one who can be REAL by being honest with others and themselves. You know these people when you meet them. They connect because they have such happy energy surrounding them. They are the ones who may have a zit on their nose that they don’t try to hide (because things heal quicker when they are left open to the air instead of covered and festering), they are the ones who have some love handles, or as my Mom likes to call them muffin tops. Yep, I got some of that…built by muffins actually but they are slowly going away. Why? Because I stopped hiding them. I stopped worrying about them. I HAVE A MUFFIN TOP SO THERE. I am not perfect. I am not going to wear the mask anymore. If I want to cry, then I will cry. If I say something wrong, I will apologize. But I will not let anyone else define who I am. I have taken off the mask and have seen what lies below. It was ugly. It was my inner self that needed the jump start to be real. I stared into the face of the beast and the beast began to shrink before my eyes. I began to like myself again. I began to take a stand for myself and to be the person who I was really meant to be. I was free to be me.

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It is still a work in progress, a reinvention intention so to speak and it will last the rest of my life. I learn something new every day about life and myself and if I find something that I don’t like, I don’t try to hide it, I take steps to change it. You may or may not know who you are because you just never wanted to know, but if you want to know just take off the mask. You may be a mother, a sister, a wife or a friend but that is not who YOU really are. Your mask may be food, alcohol, drugs, or anything else that serves to hide your true self. I have many masks and they are all slipping away. I am afraid of what I may find but it is only because I know it is going to change the ME I’ve come to know.
I used to drink every night. I became someone who was not me. I made excuses and hid away under the alcohol relaxed happy party girl. I changed for others. I looked in the mirror and even though the little voice in my head said “Girl, you know better, you’re much smarter than this…so why”? So I stopped. I took that step and just stopped. I didn’t die. I didn’t curl up in pain and no one hated me for this change.
I had a hellish day at work and I went home and instead of reaching for my typical glass of wine or ultra light beer I went outside in the sun filled air and I walked through the woods and just breathed. I drank lots of water. I slept badly the first night and after that the next few nights I slept good. I did not have my usual vibrant dreams and that made me sad but I know they will return. I lost another two pounds and I lived. Nothing bad happened. I am becoming myself again, I have just hidden me away for so long enough and I knew something was missing. I didn’t love ME. I am learning to again and WOW, that feels so good. The silence of thoughts echo and the panic and fears are dissipating. Things are going to happen out of my control. I can only control myself and I had to let go of the anxiety, lose the negativiity that surrounded me. I let the mask slip some more and no one was laughing or judging me. The only one who had been judging me had been myself. What a freeing moment it was.

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I am finding as I change it may not sit well with others and I am ok with that because I can’t pretend to be someone other than who I am. I will deal the best I can with the repercussions. None of us can sustain the mask and be happy. You just can’t have the mask and the self. It is one or the other. Hide or be real. So if you get anything from this story on my daily journey to self, please feel free to share, let the mask slip a little because you are going to find the only way we are going to get through each day and climb our way out of the darkness is with a little help from our friends. They have their masks too. Together we can be naked faced (to actually just be ourselves). It has to start somewhere. Baby steps are still steps taken. I stand here naked before you and I am ok even with my Muffin top hanging out because I may as well show it off….it won’t be there much longer and I wish I could say I will miss it, but I will only miss the message it served, to inspire me to believe in myself and take the steps to change, to go back in time and be a truthful messenger of words to myself. Gotta run and get some more water….out of coffee (missed the reminder message from the hubs to pick it up yesterday-not all messages get heard says the messenger) and still bright eyed…..Be a rock star, get up on that stage and rock your fine self in all of your blemished not so perfect glory. I will be there clapping and shouting out YAY you!!!! Can I have your autograph?

Peace and love to you and see you at the naked ball 😎💜

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How to get some inner peace….and get rid of the crap too.

Happy Tuesday beautiful and amazing specimens of gorgeousness. That goes for the guys too in case you wondered. I am going crazy…but, you wouldn’t know it. What does “crazy” look like to you? Is it the manic personality flailing out with bitchy tones and attitude? Is it the “wild eyed she’s finally lost it” stare that the husband gives you when you make a strange and unexpected request? Or can it be as peaceful as a body of water with no ripples. It is dark and you know there’s a bunch of stuff down below but it looks so very nice. Is it a place like that do you think? Inviting on a hot summer day, beautiful reflection of the surrounding trees and lest we forget the gorgeous blue skies with the big poofy marshmallow type clouds that hover over your head like whipped cream on a sundae?
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Maybe you just want to dip your toes in just to see, after all, it is so calm and peaceful and you slowly are loosening up your muscles as you sit on the bank and take off your shoes, slowly stretching the tootsies out to test that water pool. You see the fish move off as you slide your feet and maybe your ankles too into this cool bliss, you wiggle your feet as you swish the water back and forth and you even smile. Ripples flow out from where you went in and then as you lean back in a zen yoga pose and big snapping turtle comes up and tries to treat your toe like a little hot dog in a bun. Move pretty fast, don’t you? You didn’t expect that nasty thing to be in there. It was so peaceful and now your heart is beating like a group at a drum circle. Well folks, that’s how life is. Just when you think it is safe to relax and let your guard down something jumps into your life to make you absolutely freak. I mean come on, you could have lost a toe or worse, right? (and you can still work with a missing toe so don’t even go there). The point is that alot of the time when things seem to be going to smooth and we are in that happy place, there is always going to be something thats going to come in and damage your fun.
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Maybe a person with a piss poor attitude, maybe another endless car repair after you JUST got it out of the shop, or maybe the dog pooped on the rug again. It can be anything after all and isn’t this universe just totally setup to shit on your day?
NO, NO, and NO. Things are gonna happen. You may not like it, and even try to rationalize it away but that is life my friends. Shit happens. But, how you deal with these things that happen is what is going to turn you into a warrior of peace. You will wear your teflon armor of a mood and let that crap slide right off.
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If you go back to the turtle now that your heart is settled you may realize that you let the fear in. Now you’re never going to put your feet in a pond again because what if….yup, things that scare you are going to make you second guess yourself next time and then you will never know joy. You need to face this head on. Maybe it was only a painted box turtle and he thought your pinkie toe was a worm or something. You can’t let one little hiccup stop you from getting back in there and doing something you want to do. I find in life there is always a peaceful yoga like bliss right before something horrid happens. Yes, everything good always has bad, right? Nope again dear ones. You need to get between the good and the bad and find that happy middle ground. You let go and relax. You jump in with both feet and if you get bitten, well, it was going to happen anyway. If you never tried, you would have never known. Life is here to teach us to live it fully and completely. Good and bad but the middle has a bit of it all. Each and every moment to live feeling alive is what we are here for. When you have that balance in your life and you feel things start to go off kilter, just let it go. Move with and through the feelings it makes you feel and let it go. You are like a duck in water, now just let those gorgeous wings shake off that water (or stress) as it if it is supposed to, because it is. Let the ripples flow to the ground.
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You are not a sponge. Do not hold it all up till you are too full to hold anymore, squeeze it out people. Sit quietly and think for a moment. When were you the most excited? Was it when you tried something new? Was it when you stood firm your ground on something negative someone said to you, or the way they made you feel and then you realized that it really wasn’t about you at all. When people are hurt, they lash out. You know this as that is why they say nasty negative things when you are around. Don’t be the sponge that sucks it all up, squeeze it out and move on because it is not about you. Think, and then think some more and you may realize that the times when you most felt alive was when you experienced something exciting and new or you felt so powerful. You did something and guess what? It didn’t kill you. You took that baby step and dipped your toes in the water…who knew there was a viscous turtle down below? But the point is, you did it in the first place.
What is there in this world that you want to do? Do you want more happiness? More joy? Stop and take the time in your life to just think. If you feel fear, own it and then face it and keep moving forward. Leave the crap behind, the negative feelings, the insecurities, etc….leave it on the ground and just walk away as fast as you can.
We only have one life to live and I know I don’t want to let fear stop me from the what-ifs.
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If I lose an arm to a shark while swimming in the ocean with the happy seals, well I will just have to hunt and peck on the keys with one hand won’t I? The point is if I sit on the beach and fry like a dead fish while everyone else is out cooling down and having fun, who is really losing here? Me. I don’t want to not try. I want to run in like a screaming toddler at the top of my lungs with my laughter carried on the wind. By letting the crap go, that is where you will find that inner peace. When you love yourself enough and want the best for your life, when you want to experience the thrills of something new and meet new people that you always felt apart from, that is when you will feel that inner calm of pure joy and happiness. Go on, just kick that old turtle in the shell and say back off man, this is my zen moment and you’re harshing my happy buzz….but first you have to get your feet wet.

Office snacks?…why didn’t I get the memo? (blessings in disguises of dip)

Good afternoon fantabulous, amazing and beautiful people. Happy Cinco De Mayo if you happen to celebrate and if not, Happy Tuesday regardless. Today we are exploring the world of office grazing. What is office grazing you ask? Do you work with farm animals you might wonder? Well, bad for you and no I suppose would be the proper response. Where I work we don’t need an occasion to graze. To snack. To eat endless buffets of dip and cookies and donuts….oh my and the list goes on. Well I wandered up to the office, as is part of what I do to get exercise each day and to gather supplies needed (paper, water, chit chat) you know, office stuff. So I walk in the door and what to my wondering eyes do appear yet another feast. Now the reason I bring this up is that some amazing changes seem to be happening to me lately. I’ve been sleeping like the dead yet waking alive and refreshed, losing a few pounds just by better food choices (which is due to my brain being a complete pain in the ass) and just feeling happier in general. That’s a great thing. I managed to lose 3 pounds in a week in a half and KEPT it OFF. That for me is a difficult thing to do I am finding as I get older. But something changed. Oh yeah, I didn’t get the memo. I didn’t know about the food. But bread dip and chunks of fresh soft bread turned my eyes into huge orbs and I swear I could feel the drool accumulating at the edge of my pie hole. It looked like this….yum huh? image So here I walk into the office and there is this big pool of creamy bready dill yumminess and I thought, oh my god, that needs me to try it. Yes, I think I hear it calling me (and it said “come here gorgeous and try some of my creamy goodness”) and I said Yes, I think I shall. I took the smallest piece of bread and dipped it in. It was so very good. Yes, yes it was. It was amazing. Then the brain (that evil empire) piped in like the little squirrel it can be…what’s in there? Look, pretty colors I see through the white plastic, let’s open it and take a look-see. So I did, and do you know what I found? Reeses Peanut butter cup cookies with ice cream sprinkle thingies on it. image (can you believe no photos on line of cookies with peanut butter cups AND sprinkles?) OMG….What is going on here? So I did what any self aware goddess did, I slammed the lid back down and didn’t touch any of it. Really, I did not….and then next in line was more shiny cheesy sauce stuff with chips. Queso I’m guessing and every variety of chip imaginable….so I smiled…..breathed in and breathed out, image and walked away with nothing except that one bit of bread and dip. Me. Do you understand? The queen of I love to graze….walked away like bessy after a milking….without the milk of course….What is going on? I am literally talking to myself at this point. Somedays I scare myself by doing this but if I answer correctly, I don’t get too scared. So I am saying WHY? little mind, it all looked so good, you know you wanted some of this….and some of that….why did we have to walk away? And you know what that miserable bastard of a brain said to me? You wanted it….but you didn’t NEED it. Humph….ok, so now I sound like my mother….But you know what? I walked back to my desk, consumed my second bottle of water in two hours and smiled to myself. You’re right brain. I feel better for not having that lovely carb crash before lunch. I feel better for not adding the pounds on I was so proud to have gotten off. I’m sure somewhere my dentist is thanking me and he is welcome. I didn’t get the memo….the universe didn’t want me to get the memo. The world was helping me by remaining unaware. I know I will walk up there in a few hours to see the remains of coagulated cheese goop on the counter, chippy crumbs and errant sprinkles left behind and I am ok with that. I’m not on the cleanup crew and I can celebrate in my own way, by sharing my adventures with you and showing you that baby steps can lead to happier you. (I almost wrote you’s and that would be so very wrong). Yes, baby steps. If you want something, go for it but if your brain knows you as well as you know you, listen to the little beastie within and walk away. Moderation in everything, except of course happy uplifting thoughts and visions of your awesomeness. As my friend today posted a meme about happiness, it’s free and to sprinkle that shit everywhere. yeah, do that….just not on my cookies that I left in my wake of amazingness….and I’m not looking back ’cause there’s better things coming my way. Like water, and more water….and maybe a little coffee later as my fuel runs low. Gotta run my lovelies…celebrating tonight. Maybe a Corona LIght….just because I can. And I won’t forget the lime…after all, no one needs rickets in their life. Peace and blessings, Kim

Because it’s all about the Brie …..not the Kraft

By now I’m sure you’ve  heard the song “all about that bass” or in some cases wish you hadn’t. I don’t have much bass to say the least but if you are on your way to the bass you gotta hit the speed bump that is known as my stomach first. Well now, that’s more about the Brie….and the swiss, and the cheddar, and the fondue, and the ….well, you get the idea.  Yep, I love my cheese. As a child the fondest memories were of parties at the holidays and tables filed with champagne glasses, fresh fruit (or at least  as fresh as you could get in the deep arctic of winter in Western New York) and of course cheese, cheese, and more cheese. Did I say there was cheese there?

Yes, all about that lovely soft goodness…which was great when I was young but alas, I’ve come to the conclusion that I can no longer ignore. I’m not that young anymore and with wisdom and bigger pants comes the lightbulb moment I had waited for. I cannot have my dream job….

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But I can have something much better….a longer life filled with the cheese I adore, but at just the right amounts. I can buy a brick of swiss and by gosh eat it in a week, and a very large wedge at that…or I can gather some nuts and berries and eat more of the healthy stuff and still nibble like a mouse.

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Berries and kiwi and apples, oh my. I can eat the colors of the sweetest rainbow and make less room for the cheese. It worked…

As time went by I found I did not miss the platter of cheese, cheese, and only cheese and I felt so much better. One baby step to feeling better and it worked. Now I’m not saying I have left cheese alone. Not by far and the other day was gifted with a box of my childhood favorite, Kraft Macaroni and cheese in the blue box of course…When did it call for a whole stick of butter? Or had I been in denial all of this time? After eating some I realized, if I am going to build my body to where I want to be, it could certainly improve more if I had instead, one little wedge of Brie or swiss and I would feel so much better. It’s all about what makes you feel better, right? I am not denying what I want but instead replacing the crap boxed cheesy stuff for the spectacular. If I want just a little cheese, I go into the store and have them cut just a small wedge…why tempt myself with an enormous piece…because it will go bad, right? So there for I will need to eat it faster, right? And I can’t waste it so I must eat it all and soon, right?

Nope! Just a little will suffice. (kind of like the mens cologne…just a little dab will do you). I changed my thoughts away from must have, and want want want, to I just need a little bit to make me smile, to make me feel worthwhile and warm and cozy inside. I buy swiss now in ultra thin slices and just have one, and no more guilt. I deserve to have a piece. I am worth it.

I am not worth eating the entire brick….see, I can have my cheese and eat it too….keeps the inner mouse quiet.

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Now about this cheese cake. Nothing says love more than high cholesterol and clogged arteries, right? Just sayin’.

So go for the brie, but just a little and skip the blue boxes and the speed bump will thank you in the long run…the cows may not be so happy but then there’s more for someone else, right?

Step away from the table… keep calm and nibble on.