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Through the darkness…and finding light

Hello my beautiful friends. Once again this blog has found me absent for quite awhile. I was on a journey, well still am actually if truth be told. Every day that finds us questioning, asking the wise tribe members advice, etc….then we are on a journey. I guess that means that if you’re reading this post, you are on your own journey of sorts too. Well first let me say thank you for joining me on mine.

This life has given me a whole lot of sacks lately to carry on my back and I’m sorry to say I wasn’t wise enough to actually stop and put them down when it became too much. I needed to let alot go. Feelings, changing thoughts and most importantly my need to be responsible for others feelings. I can only control what I do and if I do it in love and you react in some sort of negative way to it, then I need to stop myself from trying to carry you. I need to let your reaction be your reaction. If it is anger so be it. If it is love returned so be it. But I need to solely take resposibility for myself. No others. So I can’t sit here and tell you how to live, what to do, how you should feel, and on and on with the list. I’m a people pleaser….I try to hard to be liked, always insecure in the thought from childhood that no one would like me unless I said what they wanted to hear, do what they wanted me to do and so on. As my bestie and favorite wise woman told me….girl, you are drowning…..

She was right. I didn’t want to admit it at the time but she could see what I couldn’t, being too close to it all. Wow, talk about truth smacking you in the face. I could have denied it, ran in fear from it or faced it head on. I faced the demons. I looked in the mirror and said you know what, she is sooo very right. Humph….now what?

I’ve had the pleasure of having the last few days to myself. Being married that is a very hard thing in my life to have. After spending short of work, every waking moment around each other I found myself like a loose flapping sail. I kept trying to grab the rope to keep tethered but in the end just let myself drift with the tides. If i was hungry, I ate. If I wanted a nap, I took one. If I wanted to sit on my ass and do nothing, well my friends I’m happy to say that I did that too. I would normally look back and say “what the hell were you thinking?” but this time I said no. I need to be me, with me, doing me things.

The silence was deafening….so I caught up on a tv show I enjoy and drank a few glasses of water to hydrate and found myself still up at 10:30 at night as opposed to my normal yawning by 7. I went outside and just looked at the sky and walked with the dogs. I reconfigured my emails from blogs so that the stress of waking to 120 each morning wouldn’t be so overwhelming. New blogs I had followed and had followed me yet never popped in got segmented to a once a week email. I awoke this working day to 30. That felt good. I found as I was downsizing so to speak I would start questioning myself, “what if they get mad”, “what if they stop following me”, what if what if what if…..I took my wise womans advice and said I am doing this out of love….for me. I can’t open up an email to 10 posts from the same person every day. It was sinking me. I couldn’t get any of my own writing done. It felt like such a dark place to tell the truth.

I had been toying with a new style of writing. I want to delve into short stories but I know my faithful followers on my other blogs of poetry are just as overwhelmed and busy as I am and I don’t want to saddle them with having to like what I write, or even to read it for that matter. When you mostly read poetry, as a friend once said on writing, size matters. It is a form of short stories that aren’t about peace and love and happy things. It certainly isn’t something short that can be read in two minutes either. It is dark, sinister and very un-me like. I was afraid of what i would find by going to the dark side of things. My husband always told me writers are a crazy lot and many have to create stress and turmoil to write out their heart and soul. Maybe there’s a tiny bit of truth in there but then I looked at it from a different angle. Being a writer means to use your creativity to produce something, whether it be art, painting,writing,etc….it had to come from a mind that see’s a little differently. So I did it. I wrote my story. It was very intense the phase of making the characters talk and I put myself in their place, in that mood at that very moment and just wrote out what he or she would say. I lost complete track of time and couldn’t believe when I looked at the clock and two hours had gone by. Here I was in this dark creepy serial killer style story and I had become almost like an onlooker to the whole story. It was incredible. It was intense. It was something I created and I was and still am so very proud of it. But I found what upset me the most wasn’t in the writing of it, the part that hurt was realizing so much I haven’t done for the taking of responsibility of what others would think. I denied a big part of myself because I was afraid of how others would look at me.

Was I doing it out of love? Yes. I was doing it because I loved myself enough to overcome the fear and at least try. Was it dark and creepy? Yes. Did it make my heart soar to be able to create my first story and have it come out in form the way I wanted it to? Yes. Do I worry about what others will think when they see it? Maybe still a smidgy bit but I have to do it. It is a part of me. It is my creation. It is a story. It isn’t real life. Could I get some nasty feedback about being a monster? I suppose. But when it comes down to it, by jumping in with both feet and doing something I didn’t think I would ever be capable of I overcame what I feared the most. Rejection, Trolls, the things that go bump in the night….you know the list. I stood up to my fear and I made it into the light from the darkness. I didn’t become the boy from my story. I became a woman with a purpose to be true to the real me. When I finally post it I will make sure I put a link in here somewhere to lead you down the dark path to where my mind was residing for a few hours. It’s not a pretty place but if I do say so myself, it is a macabre read, kind of scary good actually. (said with evil menacing smile of course)

I thank my wise woman, if you’re reading this, you know who you are. I thank me for giving myself permission to do what I wanted to, needed to do and for standing up to the fear that being a writer and a human being entails. I am responsible for me and only me. I am not responsible for how you react to what I do if it was done in love and with no harm in mind. I thank you for still being here stopping in even though I take journeys from time to time and am not here very much. I come back. I always come back….and alot of the time, even stronger than when I left. Thanks for once again joinging me on my endless journey to reinvention of self.

Peace and blessings my friends.

Namaste, Kim

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Goldilocks and the damn gummy bears

Hi my friends, I apologize for not being around much lately. It has been a whirlwind of cleaning, painting, garage sale on a monsoon like day and other such fun. The house is finally on the market, everything almost looks pretty and the realization is finally settling in that this most likely won’t be our home anymore in the next few months. I know there is no excuse for not making the time to touch base. I am sorry as I’ve missed our little reinvention chats.
So today I need to come clean. I’ve become an addict and am currently in the process of just saying no whenever possible. I used to chuckle at the time suck of games and have now found myself not laughing very much at looking into the mirror and realize that just like my husband, I can’t let go very easily of the bears. I don’t mean the football team nor the lions and tigers and bears variety. No, I am talking once again Gummy. I have been not following my own advice and have spent just a tad bit too much time finding the bears (or often not finding them, board after board, after board).
I ask my friends for help and they enable me, they send me more….I rarely run out and I think that is a great thing for my friends to help me so much and so often, but it is not helping me to face the truth.
I am a soda crush addict.
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I have even learned to wave my arms around like the little doll does when “I found the bears”. But how much time have I wasted on moving the shiny things around like an OCD squirrel chasing nuts? TOO MUCH DAMN TIME!!!! Ok, yep, I get it. My bad. But now that it’s out there, what to do? HMMMMM,, think…think….ah, root cause analysis.
Is it fun to be bested by a stupid game? NOPE
Am I getting the housework that needs getting done? YEP, believe it or not, as I have incorporated the “you can’t play another game till the laundry is folded” and I’ll be damned if I don’t get it done lickety split.
Am I getting much writing done? Well….no not really and that my friends is what hurts. Here I spend time wasting precious moments of my life on pretty colors and the challenge. Is it worth it? No…..it’s not.
So why do I do it then? There is the dilemma…..
I am like that big green lumpy bear hiding below the honey not wanting to come out. All the little moments that are leading up to the move are the honey that I am below. The realization that there are still so many decisions to make. Like moving the colors around to match and clear the board. Every time we accomplish another feat, it brings us that much closer to the move. Each little piece that we pack or sell and as the house empties (kind of like the board being cleared for all but a few colors), We are going to have to say goodbye and start our new life. It is exciting but yet so many memories are here and we will have to hold them in our minds to take with us. To scatter the ashes of our beloved pets in the place that was their home, watching the garage sale progress as our little knick-knacks left in someone else’s hands, and the house looks amazing free from the clutter of the things we collected.
I think what happened somewhere along the way is it just got so much easier letting my mind focus on the outer things, the bears, the candy, the chocolate sprinkle balls….basically the game was the escape. But there is no escape and even if I find the bears there will always be another board to float the little bastards to safety, to uncover them or un bubblegum them…..it doesn’t end. But what has to end is I need to stop escaping into this world of shiny things and focus on the important things.
I need to walk in the woods more and enjoy these moments. To make memories walking with the pups as it will be alot different in the new home. Trading the woods for a beach isn’t a bad trade off. I won’t have time to play crush as I will have nice weather year round for the most part where I can get out and play the game of life. Now that sounds like a great idea. I will leave the bears in the honey and I will chase shiny things on the beach, and those minutes will be priceless. So thank you friends for sending me the lives…..please only send now for the regular crush game in my name as the husband plays that but not being on facebook has no friends to send him lives, except for the world wide friends that send him some.
I think I may pick a day of no internet access. I shall call it Enjoy your Life Day. Now that sounds like a game I’d like to play….with no time to lose, maybe I shall start today when I get home from work, although it may rain later, I suppose I could write here instead and spend quality time with my little web friends. Now that’s the way to enjoy life, don’t you think?
Yeah, me too……
See you soon my beautiful friends. Take a moment to Enjoy your day too. Maybe we can start a happy revolution….just tell goldilocks to leave the bears at home. They’re not that much fun….
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How to rock a gratitude attitude

Hello beautiful. Our actions today are going to define the good from the bad, and the action we are talking about is gratitude. Do you often feel grateful for the gifts in your life, from something tiny to something grand? When you sit down to enjoy a meal either alone or with family, do you take the time to stop and with your prayer or internal thoughts to thank the universe, your God or whatever/whomever you believe in for the bounty before you? Do you then proceed to dive into your food with happy abandon and gobble it up while reading or watching television…and basically making sure your mind is not present and paying attention to what is before you as you eat? Sure, you’re thankful for that mac-n-cheese or steak or even maybe something so simple like a bowl of cereal but you’re really not enjoying it if your mind is elsewhere. Do you take the time to just take a bite, roll it around your mouth and chew it, savoring the flavor and at the same time setting your fork down before scooping more up. Do you notice the colors? Do you wonder about the person who grew the vegetables that are so colorful or the cow that grazed hopefully happily in a meadow that gave you that ice-cold glass of milk? Do you truly feel grateful as you are performing the act of eating as opposed to just being thankful for the meal itself, or that you have that meal at all? Part of being truly grateful and to embrace it in an amazing way is to make it an entire process. Look at the food you are eating, the cheese you are licking off of your fingers or the big birthday cake that someone took the time to make for you. Really think about the act of preparation, the time someone spent, or the money it cost to make you happy. Be grateful for it all.
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When you make gratefulness an entire process, it will change the way you think. Be grateful for what actually went in to the meal, the preparation, the thought behind it and hold that in your mind as part of the process. Thank the person who made the meal and if in a restaurant, thank the server who brought it to you and ask that a word of thanks gets passed to the chef. People are not told “thank you” enough. They are not just there to wait on you, to cook for you, they are there making a living (and hopefully grateful for the opportunity) to support their family and doing what they want to with their lives. Maybe it is a recipe that they are excited to share with you, feedback is a wonderful thing to hear when someone enjoys something you do. Look at the presentation of what is before you.
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Gratitude is an awesome thing. It makes people glow with appreciation and thanks. Even if you have very little, be grateful always.
On another note, and this is where the bad comes in, when you say you are grateful (for example) prior to a meal, giving thanks and then diving in like a ravenous dog from the alley, finish your meal and then claim it as “just ok”, are you then truly grateful? It’s like the BUT word. “You did an awesome job, but….”
“this food looks really good and I liked it but……”
“that looks really nice on you, but….”
I think you get the idea. If there is a but involved, are you really truly grateful? Think about that for a minute. Have you had times that you felt grateful for something and then almost cancelled out the gratefulness by complaining about it after?
Doesn’t seem quite right, right?
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Set about on your day and look for the things to be grateful for. Make a list when you go to bed each night for what you were grateful for and mean it. It can be that you were grateful you woke up not feeling tired and sore for a change, or that the dog made it through the night without making a mess, or that the baby slept all night and you did too. Anything. Everything. And all else in between. You will notice you will be more present in searching for the great things to be grateful for and when you go through your day, people will notice. You will begin to change. Your attitude will be lifted…and you will truly have a gratitude attitude.
You will feel light, happy and free and when people ask, tell them you are grateful for it all and smile.
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