Tag Archives: change

Triggers of tears-(and not the equine variety)

Hello most amazing people and welcome to Tuesday. I’ve been stumped lately on a variety of things and I am really not quite sure why. I saw an article about the closing of the Roy Rogers museum and it made me wonder what is to become of Trigger. Now I realize for a lot of you Roy was before your time but I had grandparents who made me sit and watch the movies and shows with them and that is where I fell in love with palominos. I wanted one so bad. Later I was told poor trigger was stuffed and put in the museum and all I could think of was WTF? Who would do such a thing? And now with the closing, where is he going? It made me teary eyed at the thought of relics from the past being absently chucked or forgotten. Nothing lasts forever and this I know well. But why get tears eyed over a stuffed horse that probably has its fur molting off in chunks? Maybe it was the moon? I just finished a lovely lunch in the cafeteria. I was perusing my reader and a woman won a car on the price is right(the lunch show of choice for the masses). She was just so excited jumping up and down and I’ll be damned if I didn’t feel the tears welling up.

Geesh…..enough already. I am not one to cry easily and here I get the waterworks swimming in my eyes over perfect strangers. But maybe it’s the energy of things. When people feel emotion it gets carried through in the form of action. Anger, fear, happiness….most of the time you can tell from body language. Obviously if I won a million I’d be jumping up and down crying and you would say, “now that is one happy chickie”, or memories that brought joy (old Cowboys and horses) and their fall from favor due to technology and times that seem no longer relevant. Reading words, seeing body language, hearing tones of voice…..I guess it’s all about the same…energy moving, cause and effect. Sadness emits tears, as does anger and happiness. It is all a part of the whole. So why am I writing about this? Because I felt foolish. Because I sat there holding back my tears for fear of looking like a goofy dolt eating watermelon and sopping up the tears. I mean really, would anyone really truly give a crap?

 But I was afraid. I didn’t want to be laughed at. I didn’t want to be seen in an unhealthy light At work and that is where the problem is. Why? By suppressing The feelings we have, we kill ourselves, albeit slowly but those little things denied leave us defeated and feeling like dried up broken shells. We block the natural flow of things. By trying to fit in, we become like the little lemmings jumping off the cliff. We are paper cutouts of dolls. Oh we may look different but we are the same. Maybe the girl at the table next to me felt the same way, hiding tears of joy for a stranger winning a car. Maybe not. But I walked away feeling slightly fake, like I played my part like everyone else and shelved the feelings. I am not okay with that. I always admire people who can let it all hang out and be themselves. I love the people in airports who pick up a loved one and have tears in their eyes at the reunion. It brings tears to my eyes and that energy becomes the joyful thoughts that slip into the universe and keep us all human and connected. Why are we so afraid to be REAL? To let ourselves SHINE? To cry over silly things and even the important things, because after all, isn’t it all kind of important? By saying something in life isn’t important it’s like denying it. I cry. We all cry. I’m sorry my pal Trigger….I hope they find you a nice pasture to bury you in and to the lady who won today, you go girl…I’m crying with you proudly, just because….damn that feels good😀💦

Does anyone have a Kleenex or three? Damn…sold to the highest bidder. Bye Trigger. Sigh

Lessons in gratitude….a letter to the universe

Dear universe,
I know I don’t say it enough but thank you. I woke up this morning and yesterday too for that matter and there was just so much peace flowing through me that I had to actually stop and try to figure out why. (and also how I can I bottle up that awesomeness for a rainy day too of course) and the sun popped up while I stood under the big awesome sky above me and it too was amazing. I said it out loud, “thank you” and for every little thing that had happened the prior days, good or bad I continually just said thank you. Even if it seemed not so good, I again said thanks. For each little gesture or sign, again I said thank you and you know what? you kept bringing more and more. I must say I was a bit floored for awhile thinking “why me?” I don’t deserve to have this much joy and then the little voice above said YES, you do. I had been pondering a part of the book I am going to be working on and six hours asking aloud on which choice would be better for where I’m going with the story, I see my answer on a sign in front of church while waiting at a red light. The same exact answer to what I was pondering (under the apple tree is what the sign said). I asked it to show me certain numbers and BOOM, done. Still not quite believing, the next day I asked for another set of numbers and not only did I get the new ones I had asked for, I also got a replay of the ones from the day before….I think you were laughing at me, truly I do. But I laughed too and said thank you. The more open and loving I am being, the more I am receiving. It is truly awesome but you were just waiting for me to believe, to see, right? So flash back a few days ago and I wrote a piece about a bible set from when my father was a child he had been given that I had put out at my garage sale (for free, no charge) and how they had no meaning to me. After all, I hadn’t spoken to him in over 20 years so why keep them? Funny you, Mr Universe, upon putting the house on the web for sale, we went to the realitor to find out if there had been any progress. He asked about a name on his message machine and if I truly knew that person. Who would that person be? My father. He lives out of state. Well I was a bit flummoxed to say the least and most likely spelled that wrong too but who cares, right? Yep, but he didn’t find me through the blog that I had written a few days before, but it was through a chain series of events that had nothing to do with what I had written. And now he’s coming to town and getting older and wants to see his girls before he departs (not that I think he’s dying or anything nor did he say he was), but Wow Universe….Because I put it out there, he who shall not be spoken of and because I came to accept what is and no longer hold any hard feelings (I thought I had no feelings about it one way or the other)and to just let it go, let it be. I feel so much peace. So you’ve given me the numbers I’ve asked for, my father back into my life, and I am walking on air with the possibility of what will come next. I am opening myself up to not being angry or irritated by expectations that I may have for others, I am just letting it flow through my life like the river of joy it has become. Now I may still have my days when I wonder what you’re thinking when something happens that makes me feel sad, when I try to get others to join me in this fantastic voyage that is life and am all but given the “talk to the hand, no interest” attitude. I am moving forward regardless. So I know you are going to send me through this life with the most amazing tribe of friends that you we can muster and I know we are going to have so much fun. Darn, I can’t stop saying it enough but Thank you!!!! I feel so truly grateful for these little blessings and gifts, I had to share this with my world. Hope you don’t mind.
I am singing a song in my heart….can you guess what it is? I woke up singing it this morning and haven’t stopped….’cause everyday is “gonna be the best day of my life”, dontcha know it. Come on, let’s get crazy and dance this amazing day away. Thank you.
Thanks a million….can’t wait to see what’s up your cloud sleeve next.

Goldilocks and the damn gummy bears

Hi my friends, I apologize for not being around much lately. It has been a whirlwind of cleaning, painting, garage sale on a monsoon like day and other such fun. The house is finally on the market, everything almost looks pretty and the realization is finally settling in that this most likely won’t be our home anymore in the next few months. I know there is no excuse for not making the time to touch base. I am sorry as I’ve missed our little reinvention chats.
So today I need to come clean. I’ve become an addict and am currently in the process of just saying no whenever possible. I used to chuckle at the time suck of games and have now found myself not laughing very much at looking into the mirror and realize that just like my husband, I can’t let go very easily of the bears. I don’t mean the football team nor the lions and tigers and bears variety. No, I am talking once again Gummy. I have been not following my own advice and have spent just a tad bit too much time finding the bears (or often not finding them, board after board, after board).
I ask my friends for help and they enable me, they send me more….I rarely run out and I think that is a great thing for my friends to help me so much and so often, but it is not helping me to face the truth.
I am a soda crush addict.
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I have even learned to wave my arms around like the little doll does when “I found the bears”. But how much time have I wasted on moving the shiny things around like an OCD squirrel chasing nuts? TOO MUCH DAMN TIME!!!! Ok, yep, I get it. My bad. But now that it’s out there, what to do? HMMMMM,, think…think….ah, root cause analysis.
Is it fun to be bested by a stupid game? NOPE
Am I getting the housework that needs getting done? YEP, believe it or not, as I have incorporated the “you can’t play another game till the laundry is folded” and I’ll be damned if I don’t get it done lickety split.
Am I getting much writing done? Well….no not really and that my friends is what hurts. Here I spend time wasting precious moments of my life on pretty colors and the challenge. Is it worth it? No…..it’s not.
So why do I do it then? There is the dilemma…..
I am like that big green lumpy bear hiding below the honey not wanting to come out. All the little moments that are leading up to the move are the honey that I am below. The realization that there are still so many decisions to make. Like moving the colors around to match and clear the board. Every time we accomplish another feat, it brings us that much closer to the move. Each little piece that we pack or sell and as the house empties (kind of like the board being cleared for all but a few colors), We are going to have to say goodbye and start our new life. It is exciting but yet so many memories are here and we will have to hold them in our minds to take with us. To scatter the ashes of our beloved pets in the place that was their home, watching the garage sale progress as our little knick-knacks left in someone else’s hands, and the house looks amazing free from the clutter of the things we collected.
I think what happened somewhere along the way is it just got so much easier letting my mind focus on the outer things, the bears, the candy, the chocolate sprinkle balls….basically the game was the escape. But there is no escape and even if I find the bears there will always be another board to float the little bastards to safety, to uncover them or un bubblegum them…..it doesn’t end. But what has to end is I need to stop escaping into this world of shiny things and focus on the important things.
I need to walk in the woods more and enjoy these moments. To make memories walking with the pups as it will be alot different in the new home. Trading the woods for a beach isn’t a bad trade off. I won’t have time to play crush as I will have nice weather year round for the most part where I can get out and play the game of life. Now that sounds like a great idea. I will leave the bears in the honey and I will chase shiny things on the beach, and those minutes will be priceless. So thank you friends for sending me the lives…..please only send now for the regular crush game in my name as the husband plays that but not being on facebook has no friends to send him lives, except for the world wide friends that send him some.
I think I may pick a day of no internet access. I shall call it Enjoy your Life Day. Now that sounds like a game I’d like to play….with no time to lose, maybe I shall start today when I get home from work, although it may rain later, I suppose I could write here instead and spend quality time with my little web friends. Now that’s the way to enjoy life, don’t you think?
Yeah, me too……
See you soon my beautiful friends. Take a moment to Enjoy your day too. Maybe we can start a happy revolution….just tell goldilocks to leave the bears at home. They’re not that much fun….
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Hello world! And welcome beautiful! Yes you….

First steps….one, two, three….now that we are on the move we can really begin.
Welcome beautiful!!
I know you’re thinking um, yeah right. My hair is a mess, my house is a mess, and my life is a mess. I’m cranky, the dog wet on the carpet yet again, and nothing is going right.
I am not beautiful, I am a mess and my life is a train wreck waiting to happen. No one likes me, I am miserable and tired and I’ve had enough….sound familiar?
Yeah, me too…a short time ago. A story for another day.
You know what these words are? These thoughts? These are reflections distorted through our filter that are killing us slowly. These are the things we tell ourselves and you know what? After awhile we believe it. Our thoughts define us and if those thoughts are mean, negative, and nasty then we become these in the flesh.
Let’s get naked shall we? Okay, I don’t mean literally unless you happen to be sitting in bed reading this in the buff and in that case, have at it friend. By naked means to strip away and uncover the cloak of dark and replace it with light, any light. Get up and find a mirror, I’ll wait….okay are your there? Now memorize this phrase and say it out loud, “hello beautiful”.
Stop laughing, I see you….really, say it again and look at your body and say it again a little louder. HELLO BEAUTIFUL. If someone hears and laughs, ignore them, or laugh along because it is true. The first step begins, treating your body and your self as the God or Goddess you are. Until you start to say it, you will never believe it. Go on, say it again…feeling it yet? Okay, I hope so. If I were there, I would say it with you, to you. We need to start by thinking good thoughts about us. About you, me, the people around you. Everyone. If you keep thinking negatively, you will remain in the dark little life you’re living.
Now your task is to repeat this every time you pass a mirror or a window with your reflection. They say once you do something ten times it becomes a habit. You are now tasked with this first step. Keep doing it, and you will be it! This is about you and the life you want for you. Not about a spouse, a child, or a family member. This is about you! Take the time in your life to give yourself a bit of love. As they said there is no happy we without a happy me. Do not care about the we yet, that will come later, so for now this about you and only you.
Great job beautiful, you did perfectly,so now keep it up.
Step one done, check….see, we’re getting somewhere….baby steps….
Congratulations and have I told you yet how beautiful you are? image