Tag Archives: funny

Stress is Shit..aka…the route of all evil?

Hi beautiful people,
I have been away for awhile with obligations outside of the blog world (as in bought a new house and what a fun ride that is with paperwork) but I am back again and sooooo very happy to see you all. I hope you’ve been practicing the mirror beauty beauty on the wall, I am the most awesome of them all, or whatever mantras been working for you. If you’ve forgotten, I’m here to remind you, male or female, you are a magnificent creature and you need to remind yourself many times a day. A habit will be made and even if you don’t feel it some days (like when a new grey hair crops up like a corn stalk out of your eyebrow… oh wait, never mind…that’s me) if you keep saying it, it WILL make you feel better.
So todays topic is going to be stress. I’ve been learning alot on how to handle the latest and greatest life mood breakers and how to swerve around them, or at the minimum, hit them like the nasty little speedbumps that are put out like a pair of shoes in the dark that you trip over on the way to relieve yourself for the umpteenth time in the middle of the night because you drank too much champagne in celebration of your awesomeness the night before. Kick ’em out of your way, swear if necessary but you gotta get to where you’re meant to be and a lousy pair of loafers are not gonna slow you down. Hit that bathroom, or your life, run full speed ahead. Don’t look back, don’t look down and for Gods sake, only stop to look in the mirror to tell yourself yet again how beautiful and awesome you are. So where were we before the mental speedbump hit and stubbed our toes, our moods and sent us careening into a mood of pissiness? Stress. Yes, the equivalent of the four letter other word that begins with S and rhymes with hit. Because truly, stress IS shit. Pardon my non French.

Stress….that vile little six letter word. Should be banned from our vocabulary. Should be called what it really is at least:
That which ruins moods
That which should not be spoken aloud
That which will kill us
That which makes a great morning into a hellish afternoon
That which takes us away from being our full happy blissful little selves
That which makes us look old sooner
That which should from henceforth be bannished from your life.

I apologize in advance for the toilet humor today but that is what I think of when I think of stress. Going to the bathroom. Either you handle it like a rock star on a liquid fast or you handle it like a bound up two year old. How do you look at stress and the situations it arises from?

When thrown into a situation that has your insides tied in knots, red in the face and ready to cry, how do you handle it?
When you know darn well if you open your almighty pie hole and let loose it will get messy, you may ruin something (your career, a relationship, could be anything, really) do you pinch the throat sphincter and hold all the nastiness in? Do you say heck with it, poops gotta come out sooner rather than later? Or do you just stew awhile longer and go home to let loose there?

See the comparison? Stress is not a good thing at all. It needs to be set free and flushed from your life as soon as possible. Moments when you feel it on the brim do you start breathing faster and getting anxious? Or do you just take a moment and relax knowing that this too shall pass? Do you find once it has passed that it wasn’t what you thought at all? Maybe it was just a smattering of gas that dissipated quickly and not anything to get too worked up over. Maybe it was just needing a little kick to get itself into gear so that it could pass nicely without all the fuss. Maybe it’s held in until the point it hurts so much from being clogged in your mind that once it blows, well, you get the idea. Maybe it had some spice to it and now you’re afraid of the burn after. Cayenne anyone?

People, beautiful people, you have to learn the signs and see it for what it is. Laugh at it. Talk about it. Call it names if you must. Doo doo, nastiness, poop, shit. It is what it is and guess what?
Shhhhh….everyone has some. Everyone goes through the SAME EXACT THING!!!! Maybe their stress looks pretty and doesn’t seem as foul, but it’s there. Some people’s stress is particularly vile, trying to suck you down the pipe with it, dragging you into the sewer of unhappiness and misery. Get out, pull yourself up and out…don’t let them do it. Don’t let their toxicity taint you.’Cause you’ve got your own. Don’t drown in theirs.
Wipe it away. Don’t use the cheap stuff. Use the gold plated scraper and get that nasty stuff off. You’re worth it.
Breathe in and out with measured breaths. Relax. Loosen up. Let it go. If you are relaxed it will slide away. If you are tight and angry, that’s shits not gonna go anywhere. Try it. You will see that flower fragrant bloom in your mind as you spray away the remnants, leaving yourself scented sweetly and you will walk with your head high. You will smell like a rose. You CAN do it. Turn that switch, hit that handle and be done with it. You are too good for the outhouse of sadness. You deserve the throne of gold. You will feel amazing. You will feel beautiful. You will know that through it all you emerged unscathed. You will stand tall, suck in your tummy and say man, that was amazing. People will look at you like WHAT? But you will lose that stress. You will emerge victorious and once the battle has been won, you’ll wonder what all the fuss was about.
So next time you find yourself stressed think of this tale and decide how are you going to handle that nastiness. I think the choice might be a bit easier. You will feel lighter. You can picture the person causing you stress as a big piece of poop that isn’t going to get the better of you. Scrape ’em off, scoop them up and don’t look back as you take your little gray Baggie of thoughts and deposit them in the big can in your mind. Garbage day is coming soon. Just put the lid on tight so it doesn’t escape and spray the happy thoughts all over your divine self. Be the happy egg. Be the golden egg.

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Mirror Mirror on the….(oh just go away you feckin’ ass)

Hello beautiful friends. Welcome to a rather fine Tuesday. Okay, it’s not so fine but we know how to cope through that, right? It’s all about thinking happy positive thoughts she says through smiling teeth and eyes that betray the truth. This was my conversation with my mirror today. At 2 am when most of the world was sleeping and I sat there with rosy cheeks from being out in 10 degree weather yelling yet again for my goofy dogs. So what’s a girl/guy to do? I was in no mood to embrace the day. I just wanted to sleep. I looked in the mirror at the bags under my eyes, hair messed up, nose red and now running and thought WTF. Who wants to start a day like this? It’s supposed to be waking up all bright-eyed and happy right? Wrong. It doesn’t always go that way and my week was a perfect example. I can sit there and piss and moan about my life, stare at the mirror with an exhausted mind or I could do something else…but what else can I do, right? After blowing my nose I looked in the mirror some more and said to myself, Girl, get your mind out of the swamp of woe is me and give it a spin.
What you need is a good laugh. Yeah, you’re thinking who does this at two in the morning, right? Well, I guess that would be me. So I did what any overtired dog mom would do, I dropped my robe (with the door wide open for the no neighbors to see anything) and I started shaking my booty for me to see. I started to talk to the dogs in my best british accent that I learned recently from friends and told the two little intrigued beasties what fecking idgits they were and how is mommy the queen ever supposed to feel lovely and beautiful if they kept interrupting my sleep? I tried it in my mom’s voice too just for poops and giggles and you know what? It worked. The dogs stopped cowering and I was laughing at myself. I was flexing my muscles, shaking my bass and pretending I was the dancing queen of the bathroom.
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See, I improved my mood. I could look in that mirror that was telling me how much I looked like crap or I could have fun with it. Short of raiding my wardrobe for some snazzy disco wear, I worked with what I had. I didn’t think there was much…but there was so much more. There was happy in place of irritable anger, there was calm dogs instead of quaking nitwits afraid of my wrath (and no I’ve never beat them….just with held some biscuits as needed…after all, who wants to reward the disrupters? They’d keep doing it….or so Pavlov says).
No, I could be a superstar of the tile.
I could be Miss muscle universe and make “Ahnold” nod in awe.
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I could be naked and laughing and telling myself how much sleep is over rated when you are rocking that bathrobe like a fine woman. I laughed…I blew my nose some more and then it dawned on me, when we take the shrivelled lemons that life hands to us, the dried out useless ones, we just add some lemoncello and have a party. We make our thoughts into something different, something goofy that will help the situation, we become fun for a moment. We look into that mirror and call it out for the liar it can be. It only see’s what we tell it to see. When we put on the happy glasses even when we’re pissed off and mad as hell, something changes inside us, we find a little bit of childhood happy, that little pinch of peace.
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I finally decided to go back to bed and instead of the racing heart and anger I held peace in my mind. I didn’t think I would fall asleep but within minutes was invaded by the Sandman and he brought the most fun dreams. I had thrown the anger to the wolves and brought in the clowns. I awoke still calling the dogs names in the english accent and my husband just looked at me like I’d lost my mind but I found that funny too. After a few moments (of deciding not to call the men with the little white coats on his insane wife) he laughed too. See, who says you can’t have fun in the house of mirrors. You just need to show it what you see…trust me, it will look back at you and smile too. Thank goodness the bathroom is not a public place with the chance of cameras. I would be a YouTube sensation of viralness. Spread the happy folks, check out your own mirror wherever you are, shake it, dance, laugh and for gods sake if someone walks in, just tell ’em you have a leg cramp or something. Much easier to explain.
Peace and mirrored joy to you my beauties.
Kim