Tag Archives: help

The days of a fraud….turning the lie to truth.

Hello most amazing and beautiful people. I apologize for not being around much lately, as the reason will be part of this post today. I’ve been actually doing some heavy reading and soul-searching. I know to be truly happy and at peace you have to constantly strive to improve your life, whether it be health, love, addiction, etc…any areas that can be cleaned up a bit is a good thing. But once you clear out the cobwebs and really, I mean REALLY look below the surface and see what lies below, what happens when you realize it was a lie? It is ugly down there and closing your eyes and hiding is no longer an option. What happens when you finally realize that the ugliness no longer serves? What happens when every place you try to hide has become a little lighter and there are no more shadows to crawl into? What happens when you let yourself out of your box just a little bit and realize “This ain’t so bad after all”.
When you face that fear head on and say no matter what, you’re going to make it through because there is nothing to fear except the voices that keep telling you it is a crazy scary place and girl/boy, you don’t want to be poking your head in that place.
I always looked at my life-like how I visualize the ocean. when it is calm and peaceful and the sun sets after a very long day I can sit beside the water and just feel grounded for awhile, I can be a part of the whole. And then I rise up and have to head back home to the shadows of my fears and hide. I left a piece of myself behind in that soft wet water and now I don’t have that blissful feeling anymore. I left the treasure behind. Well truth is I really didn’t leave it behind, I just hid it away again. When I am not in that happy place I get so very angry with myself for not being there. I mean, I know how to get there but I let excuses lead me back to the darkness. I leave myself behind and become what everyone else wants me to be, or at least my perception of what they want me to be is. Man, that is the suckiest feeling. And it sucks because I let it. I eat to make myself feel better, leaving me feeling like crap afterwards and then I starve myself of the things I enjoy because I had too many calories….
I look in the mirror and still tell myself how beautiful I am and I truly believe it. Do you want to know why? Because once I ballooned up to 189 pounds (yeah, I’m putting it out there) I told myself that it was OK. Yep, hide the head in the sand some more. I started to play a trick with myself and by golly it worked. I cut out some things that I enjoyed immensely and if I get pissed off I drink water. I don’t eat a bowl of ice cream. If I feel sad I get up and shake my hips ’cause no one can be upset when a girl with no rhythm gets up and shakes it. It makes me smile. I CUT out the sugar. No more donuts on donut day, no more vending machine crap, just granola if I feel the need for the sweet snack, and if I want ice cream, I have a tiny bowl that I have at home that holds about 3 tablespoons full. Perfect. I have lost 12 pounds now and I still looked at myself this morning and felt beautiful. Naked in front of the mirror, stretchy marks and fading tattoos and all. But it doesn’t solve the underlying issue. I shouldn’t have to eat when I’m upset. So how to deal with what upsets me. Now when you’re at the ocean you will have quiet smooth waves days and then you will have “Oh shit, here comes the storm, grab the umbrella” days.
The wind is whipping the sand at your legs and the rain lashes you and the waves would suck you in if they had the chance. I see people out there swimming but I don’t dare as I am afraid. I don’t want to drown. I’m not strong enough, or maybe I’m just smart. Not sure to tell you the truth. But those waves come crashing down and those are like every little thing that comes along to upset me. Life, work, family, you name it. Anything can upset the apple cart. I want the smooth water but when I get those big assed waves what to do? It’s only nature, and it’s going to happen. Do I choose to be upset about something that is out of my control? Well, sometimes yes and that is where the problem arises. We have no control over circumstances for the most part but we can have control over how we react to it. I can get treated with a complete lack of respect and allow the situation to escalate or I can take my ball and walk off the court till things subside. If I am facing anger, I need to breathe. It is NOT about me. It is about the person who is pissing you off, but you don’t have to be pissed. Let it go. Let that big wave wash right back out to sea and you can go to the sand dune and watch it and maybe wave to it as it disappears. I don’t need to go to the ice cream shack. Not gonna do me any good after all except make me angry with myself. Now I am not saying that I have a perfect body, hell no but it is mine and I am finally beginning to embrace that woman goddess that I am. I am ME. I am the only one who has to be happy with ME. If someone else makes a comment about how I look, that is their opinion and has nothing to do with me. It is their perception. But in the meantime if it is a compliment, I will take it with a big happy smile because I am making the difference in my life. I have traded non stop BBQ meat party and invited myself to a lunch of jasmine rice with some steamed veggies of awesome colors and a wedge (just a little bit) of a fine cheese and maybe even a glass of red wine. Or not. And lots of water. Water is the new best friend. I stand up when I want to and dance, and I smile again. I cannot hide behind the Snickers and the Breyer’s any longer. I cannot try to please anyone else. I please myself. I am worthy and I am good enough and this body is responding like a rock star. I tried to hula hoop the other night with the girls and had a blast. Why have I not done this before? The way my muscles felt when I was done was amazing and it felt so very good. There was a calm happy feeling that washed over me and I realized I wasn’t by the beach and the calm water. It didn’t matter. I had found the treasure in being myself, looking like a fool and just having an amazing time being me. I wasn’t worried about my T-shirt sliding around or someone looking at my stomach and I knew that the missing piece was in loving myself. Being Me. Loving me.
I am sure there will be more waves to push me around but I’m willing to get out there in the water and face up to the storm. The worst that will happen is I may start to drown but I know the right words to save myself. I am beautiful and I believe in me. Calm water, rough water, I will float and be the mermaid goddess that I was meant to be.


Stress is Shit..aka…the route of all evil?

Hi beautiful people,
I have been away for awhile with obligations outside of the blog world (as in bought a new house and what a fun ride that is with paperwork) but I am back again and sooooo very happy to see you all. I hope you’ve been practicing the mirror beauty beauty on the wall, I am the most awesome of them all, or whatever mantras been working for you. If you’ve forgotten, I’m here to remind you, male or female, you are a magnificent creature and you need to remind yourself many times a day. A habit will be made and even if you don’t feel it some days (like when a new grey hair crops up like a corn stalk out of your eyebrow… oh wait, never mind…that’s me) if you keep saying it, it WILL make you feel better.
So todays topic is going to be stress. I’ve been learning alot on how to handle the latest and greatest life mood breakers and how to swerve around them, or at the minimum, hit them like the nasty little speedbumps that are put out like a pair of shoes in the dark that you trip over on the way to relieve yourself for the umpteenth time in the middle of the night because you drank too much champagne in celebration of your awesomeness the night before. Kick ’em out of your way, swear if necessary but you gotta get to where you’re meant to be and a lousy pair of loafers are not gonna slow you down. Hit that bathroom, or your life, run full speed ahead. Don’t look back, don’t look down and for Gods sake, only stop to look in the mirror to tell yourself yet again how beautiful and awesome you are. So where were we before the mental speedbump hit and stubbed our toes, our moods and sent us careening into a mood of pissiness? Stress. Yes, the equivalent of the four letter other word that begins with S and rhymes with hit. Because truly, stress IS shit. Pardon my non French.

Stress….that vile little six letter word. Should be banned from our vocabulary. Should be called what it really is at least:
That which ruins moods
That which should not be spoken aloud
That which will kill us
That which makes a great morning into a hellish afternoon
That which takes us away from being our full happy blissful little selves
That which makes us look old sooner
That which should from henceforth be bannished from your life.

I apologize in advance for the toilet humor today but that is what I think of when I think of stress. Going to the bathroom. Either you handle it like a rock star on a liquid fast or you handle it like a bound up two year old. How do you look at stress and the situations it arises from?

When thrown into a situation that has your insides tied in knots, red in the face and ready to cry, how do you handle it?
When you know darn well if you open your almighty pie hole and let loose it will get messy, you may ruin something (your career, a relationship, could be anything, really) do you pinch the throat sphincter and hold all the nastiness in? Do you say heck with it, poops gotta come out sooner rather than later? Or do you just stew awhile longer and go home to let loose there?

See the comparison? Stress is not a good thing at all. It needs to be set free and flushed from your life as soon as possible. Moments when you feel it on the brim do you start breathing faster and getting anxious? Or do you just take a moment and relax knowing that this too shall pass? Do you find once it has passed that it wasn’t what you thought at all? Maybe it was just a smattering of gas that dissipated quickly and not anything to get too worked up over. Maybe it was just needing a little kick to get itself into gear so that it could pass nicely without all the fuss. Maybe it’s held in until the point it hurts so much from being clogged in your mind that once it blows, well, you get the idea. Maybe it had some spice to it and now you’re afraid of the burn after. Cayenne anyone?

People, beautiful people, you have to learn the signs and see it for what it is. Laugh at it. Talk about it. Call it names if you must. Doo doo, nastiness, poop, shit. It is what it is and guess what?
Shhhhh….everyone has some. Everyone goes through the SAME EXACT THING!!!! Maybe their stress looks pretty and doesn’t seem as foul, but it’s there. Some people’s stress is particularly vile, trying to suck you down the pipe with it, dragging you into the sewer of unhappiness and misery. Get out, pull yourself up and out…don’t let them do it. Don’t let their toxicity taint you.’Cause you’ve got your own. Don’t drown in theirs.
Wipe it away. Don’t use the cheap stuff. Use the gold plated scraper and get that nasty stuff off. You’re worth it.
Breathe in and out with measured breaths. Relax. Loosen up. Let it go. If you are relaxed it will slide away. If you are tight and angry, that’s shits not gonna go anywhere. Try it. You will see that flower fragrant bloom in your mind as you spray away the remnants, leaving yourself scented sweetly and you will walk with your head high. You will smell like a rose. You CAN do it. Turn that switch, hit that handle and be done with it. You are too good for the outhouse of sadness. You deserve the throne of gold. You will feel amazing. You will feel beautiful. You will know that through it all you emerged unscathed. You will stand tall, suck in your tummy and say man, that was amazing. People will look at you like WHAT? But you will lose that stress. You will emerge victorious and once the battle has been won, you’ll wonder what all the fuss was about.
So next time you find yourself stressed think of this tale and decide how are you going to handle that nastiness. I think the choice might be a bit easier. You will feel lighter. You can picture the person causing you stress as a big piece of poop that isn’t going to get the better of you. Scrape ’em off, scoop them up and don’t look back as you take your little gray Baggie of thoughts and deposit them in the big can in your mind. Garbage day is coming soon. Just put the lid on tight so it doesn’t escape and spray the happy thoughts all over your divine self. Be the happy egg. Be the golden egg.

There’s nothing to fear, but what if ??

Hello again beautiful friends and I hope this second day of spring is finding you a little more in tune with warmer weather, chirping birds and all that is wonderful in this life.
I apologize for not being around lately but when life gets in the way, sometimes we need to take some time to regroup, focus and then take that next step forward.
I am writing today about a topic that does not sit well with me. FEAR. I like to think of it as a four letter word that should be banished but even I am susceptible to its intrusion.
We all have that little knob somewhere inside. I think mine has a mind of its own as it likes to turn itself on when least expected and when it rushes out full force I quake.
I am not afraid of a lot of things. Some people fear failure, some have a fear of trying and some just fear clowns or anything else that to some may be just plain silly, but fear is personal. It reaches into our inner recesses and pulls out the old heart thumping, life shattering, mind altering patterns. I recently lost a friend. This friend and I had not talked in a few years but she was at heart a gentle soul. She had demons she battled and I was always afraid of hearing of her life ending…She was a writer of poetry and her mind often spent times in very dark places. She reminded me of myself when I was younger and I think that’s how we became friends in the first place. We parted ways in the way that people come in and out of our lives…just kind of drifted away. I always thought of her and recently was notified of her passing. BAM….what I had always feared came true. Now she was young, dying before her 27th birthday and I just felt crushed. But with that crushing came back all of those old fears again…
What if our thoughts made things happen..
What if bad things were now going to start happening in my life?
What if…what if….I think you know what I’m saying.
I had felt so at peace, like all was right with the world and things were going to be fabulous. Now this. In my life things go in threes. Always happens. But the fear is now lingering and likes to show its ugly head to me when I least expect it and for me, that is when I sleep. I know it’s happening too as it goes on. I have become a pro at doing a flip on my thoughts even while asleep. I recognize the fear for what it is and I immediately change my thought to something positive. Images that are good or even downright silly. Last night it was images of soft baby bunnies. Must have been an Easter thought or something, and it worked. A moment later my mind changed direction again and more horrible fear filled images surfaced. Again I switched images…unicorns this time, shining in sunlight (did I tell you how white horses with shining horns looking so happy make me feel nice and fuzzy inside?). So good, now the fear is gone. I must have been restless as the hounds now woke me up, keeping in mind this is around 2 am and I was attempting to get a good night sleep. I trod down the stairs in my fuzzy pink energizer bunny bathrobe and threw on some shoes, grabbed the flashlight and proceeded to read the little idgits the riot act. Stay close, you wander off on my I’ll be pissed…and a few F bombs thrown in for good measure. That will strike the fear into them I thought. Hmmmm….striking the fear into them? Maybe not such a good plan in hindsight I thought. Out into the cold darkness they bolted. My first thoughts being, first day of spring and skunks have been around and going on a road trip of 21 hours in a week with skunked dogs will not be any fun what so ever. I yell into the darkness for them to get back here this instant (and at times like these remind myself of my mother) and nope, nothing. Not coming back. So now I am angry. I pull my earplugs out of my ears (I have to sleep with them as I can hear a cow pass wind 5 miles away on a clear night and every little thing wakes me up) and a sound I fear most of all reaches my ears.
Coyotes. Coyotes close by and from the sounds of it quite a few. Yipping and howling at the moon. My dogs are out there.
My heart is beating out of my chest like it needs to escape and I just scream out NO NO NO!!!! I was petrified. My poor dogs. What have I done. NO! Fear. It is not a fun thing. My hands shaking I wave the flashlight to the woods and the howling stops and I finally hear the jingle of the tags on the dogs. They came back safe. They were alright.
I am now wide awake and cursing myself and asking myself what to do now. Stay up and write or try to sleep. I felt that sleep was necessary and after a short time (half hour short?) I was able to fall back to sleep. I kept replaying the moments during that half hour. Like watching my life on the big screen in my mind and imagining the worst outcomes. I finally stopped myself. Why am I doing this? They are okay. Let it go. Find some peace and let it go. So I started flipping my thoughts as I did during sleep. Imagining our road trip, having fun? cooped up in a truck for 21 hours. Happy dogs going on the big adventure. It finally allowed myself to go back to sleep.
This is just a story to illustrate how my fears work and how I deal with them. I would love to hear about what helps you to cope when fears arise in your life?
I know what triggers mine. Loss. Then I imagine more loss because of the “happens in threes” syndrome. I am going to let that fear go of the three’s. I will process the one loss I have currently and change my thoughts that there will be no more.
I am not afraid of death. I am not afraid of dying. I am not going to let the fear of loss stop me from this journey I am on. When we let fear overwhelm us, we let the darkness in and I will be damned if I am going to let anything block the light in my life. I will embrace each moment as its own moment. I will not compound fear upon fear till all that remains is the fear.
I will rise against the fear carousel and jump off that damn dragon and ride the fun unicorn. I will stand up to it and in doing so, reclaim the peace and serenity that will set me free to take the next steps.
Reinvention is about change.
It is about changing our thoughts to become the person we want to be. It is about learning to overcome our fears of not being good enough, about seeing the beauty that we are, it is about standing up and finding the courage to do something new and not following the yesterday path of fears of “its always been this way so it always will be” thought patterns.
I close my eyes and see myself as a superhero. I will stand up in the darkness, fight off the things that go bump in the night and I will howl back to the moon that it will all be okay. That it all will be good and that I will make it so!
Thoughts become things so choose awesome ones and let the four letter word Fear go its own way….it never was any fun anyway.