Tag Archives: human

Through the darkness…and finding light

Hello my beautiful friends. Once again this blog has found me absent for quite awhile. I was on a journey, well still am actually if truth be told. Every day that finds us questioning, asking the wise tribe members advice, etc….then we are on a journey. I guess that means that if you’re reading this post, you are on your own journey of sorts too. Well first let me say thank you for joining me on mine.

This life has given me a whole lot of sacks lately to carry on my back and I’m sorry to say I wasn’t wise enough to actually stop and put them down when it became too much. I needed to let alot go. Feelings, changing thoughts and most importantly my need to be responsible for others feelings. I can only control what I do and if I do it in love and you react in some sort of negative way to it, then I need to stop myself from trying to carry you. I need to let your reaction be your reaction. If it is anger so be it. If it is love returned so be it. But I need to solely take resposibility for myself. No others. So I can’t sit here and tell you how to live, what to do, how you should feel, and on and on with the list. I’m a people pleaser….I try to hard to be liked, always insecure in the thought from childhood that no one would like me unless I said what they wanted to hear, do what they wanted me to do and so on. As my bestie and favorite wise woman told me….girl, you are drowning…..

She was right. I didn’t want to admit it at the time but she could see what I couldn’t, being too close to it all. Wow, talk about truth smacking you in the face. I could have denied it, ran in fear from it or faced it head on. I faced the demons. I looked in the mirror and said you know what, she is sooo very right. Humph….now what?

I’ve had the pleasure of having the last few days to myself. Being married that is a very hard thing in my life to have. After spending short of work, every waking moment around each other I found myself like a loose flapping sail. I kept trying to grab the rope to keep tethered but in the end just let myself drift with the tides. If i was hungry, I ate. If I wanted a nap, I took one. If I wanted to sit on my ass and do nothing, well my friends I’m happy to say that I did that too. I would normally look back and say “what the hell were you thinking?” but this time I said no. I need to be me, with me, doing me things.

The silence was deafening….so I caught up on a tv show I enjoy and drank a few glasses of water to hydrate and found myself still up at 10:30 at night as opposed to my normal yawning by 7. I went outside and just looked at the sky and walked with the dogs. I reconfigured my emails from blogs so that the stress of waking to 120 each morning wouldn’t be so overwhelming. New blogs I had followed and had followed me yet never popped in got segmented to a once a week email. I awoke this working day to 30. That felt good. I found as I was downsizing so to speak I would start questioning myself, “what if they get mad”, “what if they stop following me”, what if what if what if…..I took my wise womans advice and said I am doing this out of love….for me. I can’t open up an email to 10 posts from the same person every day. It was sinking me. I couldn’t get any of my own writing done. It felt like such a dark place to tell the truth.

I had been toying with a new style of writing. I want to delve into short stories but I know my faithful followers on my other blogs of poetry are just as overwhelmed and busy as I am and I don’t want to saddle them with having to like what I write, or even to read it for that matter. When you mostly read poetry, as a friend once said on writing, size matters. It is a form of short stories that aren’t about peace and love and happy things. It certainly isn’t something short that can be read in two minutes either. It is dark, sinister and very un-me like. I was afraid of what i would find by going to the dark side of things. My husband always told me writers are a crazy lot and many have to create stress and turmoil to write out their heart and soul. Maybe there’s a tiny bit of truth in there but then I looked at it from a different angle. Being a writer means to use your creativity to produce something, whether it be art, painting,writing,etc….it had to come from a mind that see’s a little differently. So I did it. I wrote my story. It was very intense the phase of making the characters talk and I put myself in their place, in that mood at that very moment and just wrote out what he or she would say. I lost complete track of time and couldn’t believe when I looked at the clock and two hours had gone by. Here I was in this dark creepy serial killer style story and I had become almost like an onlooker to the whole story. It was incredible. It was intense. It was something I created and I was and still am so very proud of it. But I found what upset me the most wasn’t in the writing of it, the part that hurt was realizing so much I haven’t done for the taking of responsibility of what others would think. I denied a big part of myself because I was afraid of how others would look at me.

Was I doing it out of love? Yes. I was doing it because I loved myself enough to overcome the fear and at least try. Was it dark and creepy? Yes. Did it make my heart soar to be able to create my first story and have it come out in form the way I wanted it to? Yes. Do I worry about what others will think when they see it? Maybe still a smidgy bit but I have to do it. It is a part of me. It is my creation. It is a story. It isn’t real life. Could I get some nasty feedback about being a monster? I suppose. But when it comes down to it, by jumping in with both feet and doing something I didn’t think I would ever be capable of I overcame what I feared the most. Rejection, Trolls, the things that go bump in the night….you know the list. I stood up to my fear and I made it into the light from the darkness. I didn’t become the boy from my story. I became a woman with a purpose to be true to the real me. When I finally post it I will make sure I put a link in here somewhere to lead you down the dark path to where my mind was residing for a few hours. It’s not a pretty place but if I do say so myself, it is a macabre read, kind of scary good actually. (said with evil menacing smile of course)

I thank my wise woman, if you’re reading this, you know who you are. I thank me for giving myself permission to do what I wanted to, needed to do and for standing up to the fear that being a writer and a human being entails. I am responsible for me and only me. I am not responsible for how you react to what I do if it was done in love and with no harm in mind. I thank you for still being here stopping in even though I take journeys from time to time and am not here very much. I come back. I always come back….and alot of the time, even stronger than when I left. Thanks for once again joinging me on my endless journey to reinvention of self.

Peace and blessings my friends.

Namaste, Kim

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Missing in action

The white dirty wires wiggled back and forth. The pressure gage remained low, wiggle the wires back and forth again….is there something wrong with the connection? Running fingers and grasping to push forward, connecting the metal screws as volts of energy run through the fingers round the body before the fingers could be pulled back. A scream of terror, of pain courses through as the dog runs frantically up the stairs to hide on the couch. Sitting there as breath moves quickly in and out, fingers red with a throbbing beat that matches the heartbeat. I’m not ready to die was all I could say. 

Electrocution was not on my agenda on Saturday but it all turned out ok. Lessons learned the hard way. I was not patient. I was in a hurry. I was not being present in the moment. I was still dwelling on conversations from the last few weeks with people that were replaying back in my mind like a broken record on 78 speed. The water pressure low because I had forgotten I had laundry going and it had nothing to do with the pump but I had to win the fight, had to get shit done…..had a house showing and felt the pressure building. I guess the jolt brought me back down to earth rather quickly. I walked out into the sun after cuddling the fearful shaking dog and just stood there. Wow….not fun but it was my call to stop and just let it go.

Appreciate the things that are going right, the earth is gonna move with or without me so I may as well stick around and enjoy the ride. This summer is flying by but maybe I can make it slow down, notice the trees as the leaves change color. Appreciate the people I have in my life even more while I have them. Appreciate myself too enough to slow the hell down and pay attention. I’ve been so tired lately and I think a lot of it is just the involvement in everything around me, but not ME. I am listening more to those around me and a lot of the time finding out that people can be mean. That while locked into their own insecurities it enables them to speak out against others faults. I know as I’ve been guilty too in the mean girl mentality, not oftenand rarely but once is enough, right? I hear words and I just want to float away and not be a party to it. But how do you handle someone who is being the mean party in a conversation? I changed the topic and it went away but it made me think of how many times I’ve talked to people and perhaps said something that could be construed as mean? Would I have wanted to know? Maybe I didn’t mean it the way it sounded? Communication can be a tricky thing and I am still learning everyday but in the meantime turning into bubble girl slipping away on the wind to avoid the talk that is needed. If I am going to slow down and enjoy this lovely life, I too must slow down my words and make sure I mean what I say and not say it mean. I want to be that person who will be remembered in a good light. So if we are talking and I’m not saying much, it is because I want to savor what I am hearing and interpret it correctly and not just assume you are being a jackass….just kidding, needed a light hearted moment there. Does it make sense? I often wonder myself as there is so much good in this world and I want to surround myself with goodness and truth and honest feelings, I need to walk away from the people bashing, the comments said light heartedly but That still ring in the ears with the ambulance shrill siren of truth. I hate walking away from a conversation and berating myself for not speaking up, even though the conversation was about someone I didn’t know….by not speaking up, did I just perpetuate the behavior? Let me know what you think I should have done.

So back to the of the  topic at hand, I want to savor each word because you never know when it will be the last, I want to really feel your thoughts, I want to hold hands with those I’m missing and love with each passing day. I want to wake up smiling because it is going to be a beautiful day, rain, snow or glorious sunshine. I want to slow down and take it all in as if today is my last day. I want to know I am thought of in a good way. I want to know I am loved. I am human. I am not perfect but I will keep trying at least to be a better me. If I can’t stay a part of your conversation that sits on my chest like a bolt of electricity, I apologize for the far away look in my eyes as I dream I turn into a shining bubble and float up a little higher than I am now. Someday I may speak out but not right at this second because really, I have too much good happy living to do and can’t be slowed down by the chain of negativity they are trying to tie me up in. 

I apologize for the rant my beautiful friends and if I said anything shocking. I am just tired of the petty meanness of gossip and backstabbing that seems to be taking over around me some days. Mean people suck is my favorite sticker I’ve ever seen and it holds so much truth. I don’t want to play a part of unfolding drama, I just want to live a happy peace life filled with joyous happy people. No downer Debbie’s or nasty Nellies need to apply, no vacancy. Sorry. Life is just too short, truly shocking I know….truly.
note….this is not for any specific person, just a culmination of many events in the last few weeks that have been draining my energy and happy life blood. I need to regain me and maybe by writing this out it is my read for reminding myself to step away from the dark and run like hell back to the light….and to quit playing with wires while distracted too.⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️ thanks for letting me carry on. Zip (not to ever be confused with Zap) peace and blessings beautiful ones. K