Tag Archives: journey

Through the darkness…and finding light

Hello my beautiful friends. Once again this blog has found me absent for quite awhile. I was on a journey, well still am actually if truth be told. Every day that finds us questioning, asking the wise tribe members advice, etc….then we are on a journey. I guess that means that if you’re reading this post, you are on your own journey of sorts too. Well first let me say thank you for joining me on mine.

This life has given me a whole lot of sacks lately to carry on my back and I’m sorry to say I wasn’t wise enough to actually stop and put them down when it became too much. I needed to let alot go. Feelings, changing thoughts and most importantly my need to be responsible for others feelings. I can only control what I do and if I do it in love and you react in some sort of negative way to it, then I need to stop myself from trying to carry you. I need to let your reaction be your reaction. If it is anger so be it. If it is love returned so be it. But I need to solely take resposibility for myself. No others. So I can’t sit here and tell you how to live, what to do, how you should feel, and on and on with the list. I’m a people pleaser….I try to hard to be liked, always insecure in the thought from childhood that no one would like me unless I said what they wanted to hear, do what they wanted me to do and so on. As my bestie and favorite wise woman told me….girl, you are drowning…..

She was right. I didn’t want to admit it at the time but she could see what I couldn’t, being too close to it all. Wow, talk about truth smacking you in the face. I could have denied it, ran in fear from it or faced it head on. I faced the demons. I looked in the mirror and said you know what, she is sooo very right. Humph….now what?

I’ve had the pleasure of having the last few days to myself. Being married that is a very hard thing in my life to have. After spending short of work, every waking moment around each other I found myself like a loose flapping sail. I kept trying to grab the rope to keep tethered but in the end just let myself drift with the tides. If i was hungry, I ate. If I wanted a nap, I took one. If I wanted to sit on my ass and do nothing, well my friends I’m happy to say that I did that too. I would normally look back and say “what the hell were you thinking?” but this time I said no. I need to be me, with me, doing me things.

The silence was deafening….so I caught up on a tv show I enjoy and drank a few glasses of water to hydrate and found myself still up at 10:30 at night as opposed to my normal yawning by 7. I went outside and just looked at the sky and walked with the dogs. I reconfigured my emails from blogs so that the stress of waking to 120 each morning wouldn’t be so overwhelming. New blogs I had followed and had followed me yet never popped in got segmented to a once a week email. I awoke this working day to 30. That felt good. I found as I was downsizing so to speak I would start questioning myself, “what if they get mad”, “what if they stop following me”, what if what if what if…..I took my wise womans advice and said I am doing this out of love….for me. I can’t open up an email to 10 posts from the same person every day. It was sinking me. I couldn’t get any of my own writing done. It felt like such a dark place to tell the truth.

I had been toying with a new style of writing. I want to delve into short stories but I know my faithful followers on my other blogs of poetry are just as overwhelmed and busy as I am and I don’t want to saddle them with having to like what I write, or even to read it for that matter. When you mostly read poetry, as a friend once said on writing, size matters. It is a form of short stories that aren’t about peace and love and happy things. It certainly isn’t something short that can be read in two minutes either. It is dark, sinister and very un-me like. I was afraid of what i would find by going to the dark side of things. My husband always told me writers are a crazy lot and many have to create stress and turmoil to write out their heart and soul. Maybe there’s a tiny bit of truth in there but then I looked at it from a different angle. Being a writer means to use your creativity to produce something, whether it be art, painting,writing,etc….it had to come from a mind that see’s a little differently. So I did it. I wrote my story. It was very intense the phase of making the characters talk and I put myself in their place, in that mood at that very moment and just wrote out what he or she would say. I lost complete track of time and couldn’t believe when I looked at the clock and two hours had gone by. Here I was in this dark creepy serial killer style story and I had become almost like an onlooker to the whole story. It was incredible. It was intense. It was something I created and I was and still am so very proud of it. But I found what upset me the most wasn’t in the writing of it, the part that hurt was realizing so much I haven’t done for the taking of responsibility of what others would think. I denied a big part of myself because I was afraid of how others would look at me.

Was I doing it out of love? Yes. I was doing it because I loved myself enough to overcome the fear and at least try. Was it dark and creepy? Yes. Did it make my heart soar to be able to create my first story and have it come out in form the way I wanted it to? Yes. Do I worry about what others will think when they see it? Maybe still a smidgy bit but I have to do it. It is a part of me. It is my creation. It is a story. It isn’t real life. Could I get some nasty feedback about being a monster? I suppose. But when it comes down to it, by jumping in with both feet and doing something I didn’t think I would ever be capable of I overcame what I feared the most. Rejection, Trolls, the things that go bump in the night….you know the list. I stood up to my fear and I made it into the light from the darkness. I didn’t become the boy from my story. I became a woman with a purpose to be true to the real me. When I finally post it I will make sure I put a link in here somewhere to lead you down the dark path to where my mind was residing for a few hours. It’s not a pretty place but if I do say so myself, it is a macabre read, kind of scary good actually. (said with evil menacing smile of course)

I thank my wise woman, if you’re reading this, you know who you are. I thank me for giving myself permission to do what I wanted to, needed to do and for standing up to the fear that being a writer and a human being entails. I am responsible for me and only me. I am not responsible for how you react to what I do if it was done in love and with no harm in mind. I thank you for still being here stopping in even though I take journeys from time to time and am not here very much. I come back. I always come back….and alot of the time, even stronger than when I left. Thanks for once again joinging me on my endless journey to reinvention of self.

Peace and blessings my friends.

Namaste, Kim


Once in a blue moon….moments of sublime joy

Hello my beautiful friends and welcome to another day in the life. I hope you had a chance where you live to check out the amazing blue moon we had the other night. I love a full moon and that night was no exception. I find my moods improve and I feel quite grounded. Usually the week leading up to it can be a bit trying with moods and emotion but once that big bright round orb sits in the sky above my head, well that is when the magic truly begins.
I had the chance to reunite with my father after an almost thirty year hiatus. It was through a slew of chance coincidences and manifesting the moment was truly one of the most inspiring things I can remember in quite a long time. I can’t say I have very many times in my life where people pop back into your life like a jack rabbit and now I long for more, not just for a father returning to orbit in my life, but of friends and anything else that was missing for awhile. It’s like finding something you thought you would never see again and then boom, there it is. A piece of jewelry, a book you had lent out and always had wondered what had become of it. The thought is always somewhere in the back of your mind but with the ongoing rush of life, it trickles slowly away until it becomes a dog eared page of memory somewhere in the mind.
Well the full moon brought up so many thoughts and truly I am still processing many of them but have also taken away alot of wisdom (at least for me) that I can carry forward on my journey to awesomeness. Please, use any and all that you want as I think they are important to remember and utilize to make life just that more special.

1. Laughter is the sweetest memory to carry with you. Remembering things said that made you laugh like a child again and pulling those thoughts out when you need them most. If nothing else a smile will be had and that always helps.

2. There are always two sides to every story and if you aren’t part of either side but somewhere in the middle like the Oreo cream, always stay there. Life wasn’t easy on the outside and with the passing of time perceptions change of who, what, where, he said, she said, etc….be the cream and stay in between.

3. Let go of any anger. It serves no one. Breathe in the moment and be happy for the now. You can’t change the past but you can move forward into the future with joy.

4. Forgive. It costs nothing except maybe an inner battle with yourself to keep hanging on to it, after all, it’s always known it to be this way so why change, right? Well to forgive and let go is like the anger above. You can’t hold grudges or create new ones to take the place of the old. It will drain you and leave you sad and angry and we all know that it isn’t a great place to be. To be happy and truly love, forgive.

5. Embrace the special times, like blue moons on high and reunions that finally happened. This moment will not come again in the same way. Go to sleep at night remembering the specialness of words that were said, hugs that were given, tears that were shed and all that is good.

6. Be grateful. You deserve all of the good in this world but to truly enjoy it and receive even more, you must be grateful of it all. It just is the way it has to be.

7. Believe in magic. Good things will happen if you move your thoughts into the mindset of what you truly want. Let the fears go and just let it happen. Don’t sweat the small stuff and wonder well, what if? Let it all go and just repeat in your mind what you want and it may not happen now or tomorrow, but you will set your life in motion to allow it to come into your life.

8. Be yourself. You can’t be anyone else so just be you. Maybe someone told you in the past how to act, how to live, etc….just be you. Don’t make excuses. If you want to laugh and be goofy, do that. If you want more joy, spread more around. But be who you are, who you were meant to be. If you fail at it, get up and keep trying.

9. Share your thoughts with those that matter. If they disregard or disrespect your feelings, well then you know that those are not the people who should be in your life. Adjust accordingly and set the sails and move on away from the anchor dragging you down.

10. Just enjoy each moment of your life as if it is your last. Talk to strangers on the bus, hug longer, cry when you feel sad, keep the memories fresh and alive and keep making more. Don’t wait for someday to do what you want to do, do it now. Tomorrow may be too late and living with regrets will never make a person joyful or happy. Do it. Get out there now and do it.

I lived the most inspiring and awesome days this past weekend, found an old friend (Dad) who has truly become “Dad” now, let go of an old friend (Zip) to the wind and earth of our home, saw a full blue moon, was given the most special gifts of the heart, and saw rain and sun and thunder all at the same time in the sky above me. I sat beside tranquil waters and truly laughed till it hurt. I forgave. I felt alive again and whole.
This life is truly amazing. I couldn’t ask for more but you know what? I will. I will rush headlong into the day and wrap my arms around the joy of my soul and say we’re not done till I say were done and that is that. Look out world, here I come. Come on, you can come too or if you’re not ready, will meet you on the way.
Peace and blessings X Infinity.

And about the photo: was showing Dad all the fun one can have on an ipad camera. This was just one of our silly stretch faces. Still laughing. Really, we look amazing in real life.

On the importace of honesty

Hello most beautiful souls and welcome to another day of your amazing life. I hope things have been going well for you and that all you want and desire is being manifested for you by this amazing universe. Today I am going to share some things I’ve been learning about the truest and most important gift you can bestow upon yourself. I am not talking chocolate or clothes or a fine trip or anything, that’s easy peasy stuff. I want to talk about honesty and truth. A friend of mine who I make a lunch date with each week to talk on the phone long distance for an hour about what we are discovering on our journeys to self, had a nice talk yesterday on just this topic. Being honest with yourself. Now if you’re like me you can put on your rosy tinted or purple tinted in my case glasses and look at life with what you think are amazing eyes and can usually talk  yourself into the most pleasant of moods by doing this, right? I mean when you get up in the morning and put your foot on the floor it’s you who start the day by deciding on how you are going to treat it, and maybe tell yourself how it’s going to treat you (not so good if you happen to step immediately into a pile of dog doody-(not that that’s ever happened) but you make choices in your life from the moment you get up till the moment you go to bed. It’s your choice. All of it. What to put in your pie hole to what snazzy outfit you are going to wear, to what route you’re going to take to work and morphs into how you are going to treat those around you. Well what happens when you wake up and you feel like crap? What happens when that alarm goes off and you realized you set it an hour too late. You get angry with yourself and if you’re like me,  you like to tell yourself that you can get beyond this stuff. You can let the drama go and get over it and life will be all sunshine and rainbows, right? Well what if it isn’t? What then? What if you know better but still get bogged down in the slime of life because you just don’t feel like dealing with this crap? Blame it on the moon in Cancer….blame it on what you want, but acknowledge how you feel. Sit down for a few minutes and just stop and think. Stop treating yourself so harshly for being human. You are allowed to have any feelings you want to and you can act any way you want to as long as it doesn’t affect someone else in a negative way….don’t be the one to piss on their cheerios……Be honest with yourself. Why are you feeling this way? Own your feelings. Talk to someone about your feelings, but be honest. I’ve been so busy lately and not following my own rules. I have my fingers in so many things I think at the time is what I want to do, but once the avalanche starts moving towards me I am finding alot of what I thought I wanted to do, isn’t making me happy. Signing up for this, that, and the other thing leaves me lately feeling overwhelmed. I don’t like myself when I am not at peace and I knew I had to do something about it, but first I had to be honest with myself. What is really important to me? What can be shelved for another date without upsetting me or someone else too terribly? I wake up to over 100+ emails and those aren’t including the ones I contend with when I get into work.  My brain goes 80 miles an hour when I wake up and doesn’t stop till I fall into bed exhausted when the sun is barely setting. Something had to change and for that to happen I needed to be honest with how I was feeling, what I am capable of doing and for that matter, what do I really need and want to do. Some were quite a shock to me to realize that I was doing something that was benefitting someone else but was not being true to what I feel and want. I’ve always been afraid of incurring the wrath of someone for not doing what they wanted or what I was supposed to. It’s funny but when it comes right down to it and you can be honest with yourself, others see that truth and most of the times are not angry. They may be hurt but honesty is so very important to everyone. I am moving lately towards spending my time in quality ways, with quality people and when I want to. If someone wants something and I am unwilling at the time to do it, I just say no. I don’t need to give an explanation and I don’t need to justify myself, just a simple no, I’m sorry but I can’t. If they raise a stink about it, then they’re not the kind of people that you need to bother too much with, plain and simple. Sometimes it has to be about you….for your sanity, for your happiness and most of all for your peace. Be honest. What can it hurt? It will most certainly help.

The days of a fraud….turning the lie to truth.

Hello most amazing and beautiful people. I apologize for not being around much lately, as the reason will be part of this post today. I’ve been actually doing some heavy reading and soul-searching. I know to be truly happy and at peace you have to constantly strive to improve your life, whether it be health, love, addiction, etc…any areas that can be cleaned up a bit is a good thing. But once you clear out the cobwebs and really, I mean REALLY look below the surface and see what lies below, what happens when you realize it was a lie? It is ugly down there and closing your eyes and hiding is no longer an option. What happens when you finally realize that the ugliness no longer serves? What happens when every place you try to hide has become a little lighter and there are no more shadows to crawl into? What happens when you let yourself out of your box just a little bit and realize “This ain’t so bad after all”.
When you face that fear head on and say no matter what, you’re going to make it through because there is nothing to fear except the voices that keep telling you it is a crazy scary place and girl/boy, you don’t want to be poking your head in that place.
I always looked at my life-like how I visualize the ocean. when it is calm and peaceful and the sun sets after a very long day I can sit beside the water and just feel grounded for awhile, I can be a part of the whole. And then I rise up and have to head back home to the shadows of my fears and hide. I left a piece of myself behind in that soft wet water and now I don’t have that blissful feeling anymore. I left the treasure behind. Well truth is I really didn’t leave it behind, I just hid it away again. When I am not in that happy place I get so very angry with myself for not being there. I mean, I know how to get there but I let excuses lead me back to the darkness. I leave myself behind and become what everyone else wants me to be, or at least my perception of what they want me to be is. Man, that is the suckiest feeling. And it sucks because I let it. I eat to make myself feel better, leaving me feeling like crap afterwards and then I starve myself of the things I enjoy because I had too many calories….
I look in the mirror and still tell myself how beautiful I am and I truly believe it. Do you want to know why? Because once I ballooned up to 189 pounds (yeah, I’m putting it out there) I told myself that it was OK. Yep, hide the head in the sand some more. I started to play a trick with myself and by golly it worked. I cut out some things that I enjoyed immensely and if I get pissed off I drink water. I don’t eat a bowl of ice cream. If I feel sad I get up and shake my hips ’cause no one can be upset when a girl with no rhythm gets up and shakes it. It makes me smile. I CUT out the sugar. No more donuts on donut day, no more vending machine crap, just granola if I feel the need for the sweet snack, and if I want ice cream, I have a tiny bowl that I have at home that holds about 3 tablespoons full. Perfect. I have lost 12 pounds now and I still looked at myself this morning and felt beautiful. Naked in front of the mirror, stretchy marks and fading tattoos and all. But it doesn’t solve the underlying issue. I shouldn’t have to eat when I’m upset. So how to deal with what upsets me. Now when you’re at the ocean you will have quiet smooth waves days and then you will have “Oh shit, here comes the storm, grab the umbrella” days.
The wind is whipping the sand at your legs and the rain lashes you and the waves would suck you in if they had the chance. I see people out there swimming but I don’t dare as I am afraid. I don’t want to drown. I’m not strong enough, or maybe I’m just smart. Not sure to tell you the truth. But those waves come crashing down and those are like every little thing that comes along to upset me. Life, work, family, you name it. Anything can upset the apple cart. I want the smooth water but when I get those big assed waves what to do? It’s only nature, and it’s going to happen. Do I choose to be upset about something that is out of my control? Well, sometimes yes and that is where the problem arises. We have no control over circumstances for the most part but we can have control over how we react to it. I can get treated with a complete lack of respect and allow the situation to escalate or I can take my ball and walk off the court till things subside. If I am facing anger, I need to breathe. It is NOT about me. It is about the person who is pissing you off, but you don’t have to be pissed. Let it go. Let that big wave wash right back out to sea and you can go to the sand dune and watch it and maybe wave to it as it disappears. I don’t need to go to the ice cream shack. Not gonna do me any good after all except make me angry with myself. Now I am not saying that I have a perfect body, hell no but it is mine and I am finally beginning to embrace that woman goddess that I am. I am ME. I am the only one who has to be happy with ME. If someone else makes a comment about how I look, that is their opinion and has nothing to do with me. It is their perception. But in the meantime if it is a compliment, I will take it with a big happy smile because I am making the difference in my life. I have traded non stop BBQ meat party and invited myself to a lunch of jasmine rice with some steamed veggies of awesome colors and a wedge (just a little bit) of a fine cheese and maybe even a glass of red wine. Or not. And lots of water. Water is the new best friend. I stand up when I want to and dance, and I smile again. I cannot hide behind the Snickers and the Breyer’s any longer. I cannot try to please anyone else. I please myself. I am worthy and I am good enough and this body is responding like a rock star. I tried to hula hoop the other night with the girls and had a blast. Why have I not done this before? The way my muscles felt when I was done was amazing and it felt so very good. There was a calm happy feeling that washed over me and I realized I wasn’t by the beach and the calm water. It didn’t matter. I had found the treasure in being myself, looking like a fool and just having an amazing time being me. I wasn’t worried about my T-shirt sliding around or someone looking at my stomach and I knew that the missing piece was in loving myself. Being Me. Loving me.
I am sure there will be more waves to push me around but I’m willing to get out there in the water and face up to the storm. The worst that will happen is I may start to drown but I know the right words to save myself. I am beautiful and I believe in me. Calm water, rough water, I will float and be the mermaid goddess that I was meant to be.

How I learned not to cry over an onion peel (lessons learned in layers)

Hello beautiful ones, thanks again for joining me on this little journey we call life. Like the big boat that sets us adrift, we find when we are in it together, life becomes just a bit easier. I thank you for being here with me. If you could see my big smile, you would smile too. Today, or should I say yesterday I learned something new. I think that is a great thing as one of my challenges to myself is to spend at least a minimum of 15 minutes each day learning something new. I picked up a highly recommended book and delved in with relish. Once I was able to focus and pay attention I was able to absorb alot from it. The tale I am about to tell you stems from a lesson I am learning and if you can relate, then that is just so very awesome.
So, I had quite the busy day, doing laundry, doing dishes not once, but twice. Cooked breakfast, folded a heck of alot of shirts that I will be selling at a garage sale and I felt good. I felt productive. I was the Queen of the world. Then I saw it. Right there on my very floor a few feet away from where I stood. I huge onion peel. Now I am not talking about a little sliver but it looked like an entire onion. So I think to myself, I know I wasn’t doing anything with onions today but I knew who was. So why was this onion peel challenging me on the floor like a snarling chihuahua? I did what any self respecting woman would do and I stepped over it. I was proving a point. I am not the mother who needs to pick up after anyone other than myself and I’ll be Gosh darned if I was about to pick it up. It sat there for an hour. Then another hour. People walked by it. NO ONE PICKED IT UP! Truly, it is so. And I got angry, carrying on this dialogue with myself in my head and then it happened.
I stopped. I-Just-Stopped. I told that little voice in my head “I hear you in there, you’re working me up over an onion peel. An ONION Peel…..really? Why?” and heard silence for a few moments and then that old voice went right back on it’s tirade. Why do I have to pick it up? Why am I expect to clean up the mess? And then I said it again out loud this time. Just STOP! I said it quite quietly too and then turned the dialogue around and asked myself Why? Why was I really getting upset over this HUGE piece of skin of an onion on my floor? and then it dawned on me like the most glorious sunrise. I was angry because I thought by someone else being irresponsible, it must mean that they must see me as the maid. They are above me, they are too good to pick it up themselves. You see, I’ve always done it, been the one to bend over and pick that shit up. They want the maid to do it. But I’m not the maid and I need to stop treating myself in my head like I am. I make a choice because I can. I will not be swayed by my perception of what anyone else thinks, which is often not the case, I just felt that way in my head and turned that chattter box off. And it made me feel so strong to realize that it was because I was telling myself in my own head that, go ahead, it’s what you do, it’s always this way. I am not being respected. Yet in that moment I respected myself, and then I did something even more amazing. I Let It Go. Yep, just reached down and picked it up and when throwing it in the trash said “I am not going to let my perceptions of what others think mar my enjoyment of my day”. I know you’re probably thinking why did you pick it up then? I picked it up because I told myself that I am the better person for doing so. I told my inner critic that this in the big scheme of things mean nothing if I don’t let those nagging voices nag me anymore. I felt calm. I smiled inside. I was just a person doing what she’s choosing to do and that’s what is different. I am not going to belittle myself anymore. I am not going to mentally cower over someone else being a jerk ass. I am strong. I can stand up to myself and I can stand up to anything this world throws at me. I won’t be mean to me anymore. Life is going to be filled with challenges and another was thrown at me again this morning and you know what? I started to feel my heart beat faster, I started to get edgy over a roll of the eyes and a snarky comment. I turned it off. I DID NOT CARE. It didn’t have anything to do with me. I can only control my own reactions to things and my reaction was to just stop that voice that was rushing around like a squirrel after a shiny marble and I let the calm wash over me. I am having an amazing day. I am noticing more things that before would have gotten me to feeling insecure. It isn’t about me. It’s about the voice that wants me to feel a certain way by giving in and I’m not going to. Shut the F up you little voice, ’cause I’ve got your number and things are gonna be a lot quieter around here now. There’s a new sheriff in town and she is Wonder Woman so don’t mess with her ’cause she knows who’s in charge. She saw her in the mirror just this morning and I heard her say, “Hellllooooo there gorgeous” and I am.
Lessons learned in case you were wondering was from an amazing life transforming book called the Untethered Soul and it was written by Michael A. Singer. I recommend it and I am only on chapter three but man, is it ever working and I can’t wait for chapter four. Peace and love to you my friends, and don’t forget, spend some time each day learning something new. Maybe you’ll even learn something new about yourself and that would be most awesome.

Mirror Mirror on the….(oh just go away you feckin’ ass)

Hello beautiful friends. Welcome to a rather fine Tuesday. Okay, it’s not so fine but we know how to cope through that, right? It’s all about thinking happy positive thoughts she says through smiling teeth and eyes that betray the truth. This was my conversation with my mirror today. At 2 am when most of the world was sleeping and I sat there with rosy cheeks from being out in 10 degree weather yelling yet again for my goofy dogs. So what’s a girl/guy to do? I was in no mood to embrace the day. I just wanted to sleep. I looked in the mirror at the bags under my eyes, hair messed up, nose red and now running and thought WTF. Who wants to start a day like this? It’s supposed to be waking up all bright-eyed and happy right? Wrong. It doesn’t always go that way and my week was a perfect example. I can sit there and piss and moan about my life, stare at the mirror with an exhausted mind or I could do something else…but what else can I do, right? After blowing my nose I looked in the mirror some more and said to myself, Girl, get your mind out of the swamp of woe is me and give it a spin.
What you need is a good laugh. Yeah, you’re thinking who does this at two in the morning, right? Well, I guess that would be me. So I did what any overtired dog mom would do, I dropped my robe (with the door wide open for the no neighbors to see anything) and I started shaking my booty for me to see. I started to talk to the dogs in my best british accent that I learned recently from friends and told the two little intrigued beasties what fecking idgits they were and how is mommy the queen ever supposed to feel lovely and beautiful if they kept interrupting my sleep? I tried it in my mom’s voice too just for poops and giggles and you know what? It worked. The dogs stopped cowering and I was laughing at myself. I was flexing my muscles, shaking my bass and pretending I was the dancing queen of the bathroom.
See, I improved my mood. I could look in that mirror that was telling me how much I looked like crap or I could have fun with it. Short of raiding my wardrobe for some snazzy disco wear, I worked with what I had. I didn’t think there was much…but there was so much more. There was happy in place of irritable anger, there was calm dogs instead of quaking nitwits afraid of my wrath (and no I’ve never beat them….just with held some biscuits as needed…after all, who wants to reward the disrupters? They’d keep doing it….or so Pavlov says).
No, I could be a superstar of the tile.
I could be Miss muscle universe and make “Ahnold” nod in awe.
I could be naked and laughing and telling myself how much sleep is over rated when you are rocking that bathrobe like a fine woman. I laughed…I blew my nose some more and then it dawned on me, when we take the shrivelled lemons that life hands to us, the dried out useless ones, we just add some lemoncello and have a party. We make our thoughts into something different, something goofy that will help the situation, we become fun for a moment. We look into that mirror and call it out for the liar it can be. It only see’s what we tell it to see. When we put on the happy glasses even when we’re pissed off and mad as hell, something changes inside us, we find a little bit of childhood happy, that little pinch of peace.
I finally decided to go back to bed and instead of the racing heart and anger I held peace in my mind. I didn’t think I would fall asleep but within minutes was invaded by the Sandman and he brought the most fun dreams. I had thrown the anger to the wolves and brought in the clowns. I awoke still calling the dogs names in the english accent and my husband just looked at me like I’d lost my mind but I found that funny too. After a few moments (of deciding not to call the men with the little white coats on his insane wife) he laughed too. See, who says you can’t have fun in the house of mirrors. You just need to show it what you see…trust me, it will look back at you and smile too. Thank goodness the bathroom is not a public place with the chance of cameras. I would be a YouTube sensation of viralness. Spread the happy folks, check out your own mirror wherever you are, shake it, dance, laugh and for gods sake if someone walks in, just tell ’em you have a leg cramp or something. Much easier to explain.
Peace and mirrored joy to you my beauties.

There’s nothing to fear, but what if ??

Hello again beautiful friends and I hope this second day of spring is finding you a little more in tune with warmer weather, chirping birds and all that is wonderful in this life.
I apologize for not being around lately but when life gets in the way, sometimes we need to take some time to regroup, focus and then take that next step forward.
I am writing today about a topic that does not sit well with me. FEAR. I like to think of it as a four letter word that should be banished but even I am susceptible to its intrusion.
We all have that little knob somewhere inside. I think mine has a mind of its own as it likes to turn itself on when least expected and when it rushes out full force I quake.
I am not afraid of a lot of things. Some people fear failure, some have a fear of trying and some just fear clowns or anything else that to some may be just plain silly, but fear is personal. It reaches into our inner recesses and pulls out the old heart thumping, life shattering, mind altering patterns. I recently lost a friend. This friend and I had not talked in a few years but she was at heart a gentle soul. She had demons she battled and I was always afraid of hearing of her life ending…She was a writer of poetry and her mind often spent times in very dark places. She reminded me of myself when I was younger and I think that’s how we became friends in the first place. We parted ways in the way that people come in and out of our lives…just kind of drifted away. I always thought of her and recently was notified of her passing. BAM….what I had always feared came true. Now she was young, dying before her 27th birthday and I just felt crushed. But with that crushing came back all of those old fears again…
What if our thoughts made things happen..
What if bad things were now going to start happening in my life?
What if…what if….I think you know what I’m saying.
I had felt so at peace, like all was right with the world and things were going to be fabulous. Now this. In my life things go in threes. Always happens. But the fear is now lingering and likes to show its ugly head to me when I least expect it and for me, that is when I sleep. I know it’s happening too as it goes on. I have become a pro at doing a flip on my thoughts even while asleep. I recognize the fear for what it is and I immediately change my thought to something positive. Images that are good or even downright silly. Last night it was images of soft baby bunnies. Must have been an Easter thought or something, and it worked. A moment later my mind changed direction again and more horrible fear filled images surfaced. Again I switched images…unicorns this time, shining in sunlight (did I tell you how white horses with shining horns looking so happy make me feel nice and fuzzy inside?). So good, now the fear is gone. I must have been restless as the hounds now woke me up, keeping in mind this is around 2 am and I was attempting to get a good night sleep. I trod down the stairs in my fuzzy pink energizer bunny bathrobe and threw on some shoes, grabbed the flashlight and proceeded to read the little idgits the riot act. Stay close, you wander off on my I’ll be pissed…and a few F bombs thrown in for good measure. That will strike the fear into them I thought. Hmmmm….striking the fear into them? Maybe not such a good plan in hindsight I thought. Out into the cold darkness they bolted. My first thoughts being, first day of spring and skunks have been around and going on a road trip of 21 hours in a week with skunked dogs will not be any fun what so ever. I yell into the darkness for them to get back here this instant (and at times like these remind myself of my mother) and nope, nothing. Not coming back. So now I am angry. I pull my earplugs out of my ears (I have to sleep with them as I can hear a cow pass wind 5 miles away on a clear night and every little thing wakes me up) and a sound I fear most of all reaches my ears.
Coyotes. Coyotes close by and from the sounds of it quite a few. Yipping and howling at the moon. My dogs are out there.
My heart is beating out of my chest like it needs to escape and I just scream out NO NO NO!!!! I was petrified. My poor dogs. What have I done. NO! Fear. It is not a fun thing. My hands shaking I wave the flashlight to the woods and the howling stops and I finally hear the jingle of the tags on the dogs. They came back safe. They were alright.
I am now wide awake and cursing myself and asking myself what to do now. Stay up and write or try to sleep. I felt that sleep was necessary and after a short time (half hour short?) I was able to fall back to sleep. I kept replaying the moments during that half hour. Like watching my life on the big screen in my mind and imagining the worst outcomes. I finally stopped myself. Why am I doing this? They are okay. Let it go. Find some peace and let it go. So I started flipping my thoughts as I did during sleep. Imagining our road trip, having fun? cooped up in a truck for 21 hours. Happy dogs going on the big adventure. It finally allowed myself to go back to sleep.
This is just a story to illustrate how my fears work and how I deal with them. I would love to hear about what helps you to cope when fears arise in your life?
I know what triggers mine. Loss. Then I imagine more loss because of the “happens in threes” syndrome. I am going to let that fear go of the three’s. I will process the one loss I have currently and change my thoughts that there will be no more.
I am not afraid of death. I am not afraid of dying. I am not going to let the fear of loss stop me from this journey I am on. When we let fear overwhelm us, we let the darkness in and I will be damned if I am going to let anything block the light in my life. I will embrace each moment as its own moment. I will not compound fear upon fear till all that remains is the fear.
I will rise against the fear carousel and jump off that damn dragon and ride the fun unicorn. I will stand up to it and in doing so, reclaim the peace and serenity that will set me free to take the next steps.
Reinvention is about change.
It is about changing our thoughts to become the person we want to be. It is about learning to overcome our fears of not being good enough, about seeing the beauty that we are, it is about standing up and finding the courage to do something new and not following the yesterday path of fears of “its always been this way so it always will be” thought patterns.
I close my eyes and see myself as a superhero. I will stand up in the darkness, fight off the things that go bump in the night and I will howl back to the moon that it will all be okay. That it all will be good and that I will make it so!
Thoughts become things so choose awesome ones and let the four letter word Fear go its own way….it never was any fun anyway.