Tag Archives: nature

Through the darkness…and finding light

Hello my beautiful friends. Once again this blog has found me absent for quite awhile. I was on a journey, well still am actually if truth be told. Every day that finds us questioning, asking the wise tribe members advice, etc….then we are on a journey. I guess that means that if you’re reading this post, you are on your own journey of sorts too. Well first let me say thank you for joining me on mine.

This life has given me a whole lot of sacks lately to carry on my back and I’m sorry to say I wasn’t wise enough to actually stop and put them down when it became too much. I needed to let alot go. Feelings, changing thoughts and most importantly my need to be responsible for others feelings. I can only control what I do and if I do it in love and you react in some sort of negative way to it, then I need to stop myself from trying to carry you. I need to let your reaction be your reaction. If it is anger so be it. If it is love returned so be it. But I need to solely take resposibility for myself. No others. So I can’t sit here and tell you how to live, what to do, how you should feel, and on and on with the list. I’m a people pleaser….I try to hard to be liked, always insecure in the thought from childhood that no one would like me unless I said what they wanted to hear, do what they wanted me to do and so on. As my bestie and favorite wise woman told me….girl, you are drowning…..

She was right. I didn’t want to admit it at the time but she could see what I couldn’t, being too close to it all. Wow, talk about truth smacking you in the face. I could have denied it, ran in fear from it or faced it head on. I faced the demons. I looked in the mirror and said you know what, she is sooo very right. Humph….now what?

I’ve had the pleasure of having the last few days to myself. Being married that is a very hard thing in my life to have. After spending short of work, every waking moment around each other I found myself like a loose flapping sail. I kept trying to grab the rope to keep tethered but in the end just let myself drift with the tides. If i was hungry, I ate. If I wanted a nap, I took one. If I wanted to sit on my ass and do nothing, well my friends I’m happy to say that I did that too. I would normally look back and say “what the hell were you thinking?” but this time I said no. I need to be me, with me, doing me things.

The silence was deafening….so I caught up on a tv show I enjoy and drank a few glasses of water to hydrate and found myself still up at 10:30 at night as opposed to my normal yawning by 7. I went outside and just looked at the sky and walked with the dogs. I reconfigured my emails from blogs so that the stress of waking to 120 each morning wouldn’t be so overwhelming. New blogs I had followed and had followed me yet never popped in got segmented to a once a week email. I awoke this working day to 30. That felt good. I found as I was downsizing so to speak I would start questioning myself, “what if they get mad”, “what if they stop following me”, what if what if what if…..I took my wise womans advice and said I am doing this out of love….for me. I can’t open up an email to 10 posts from the same person every day. It was sinking me. I couldn’t get any of my own writing done. It felt like such a dark place to tell the truth.

I had been toying with a new style of writing. I want to delve into short stories but I know my faithful followers on my other blogs of poetry are just as overwhelmed and busy as I am and I don’t want to saddle them with having to like what I write, or even to read it for that matter. When you mostly read poetry, as a friend once said on writing, size matters. It is a form of short stories that aren’t about peace and love and happy things. It certainly isn’t something short that can be read in two minutes either. It is dark, sinister and very un-me like. I was afraid of what i would find by going to the dark side of things. My husband always told me writers are a crazy lot and many have to create stress and turmoil to write out their heart and soul. Maybe there’s a tiny bit of truth in there but then I looked at it from a different angle. Being a writer means to use your creativity to produce something, whether it be art, painting,writing,etc….it had to come from a mind that see’s a little differently. So I did it. I wrote my story. It was very intense the phase of making the characters talk and I put myself in their place, in that mood at that very moment and just wrote out what he or she would say. I lost complete track of time and couldn’t believe when I looked at the clock and two hours had gone by. Here I was in this dark creepy serial killer style story and I had become almost like an onlooker to the whole story. It was incredible. It was intense. It was something I created and I was and still am so very proud of it. But I found what upset me the most wasn’t in the writing of it, the part that hurt was realizing so much I haven’t done for the taking of responsibility of what others would think. I denied a big part of myself because I was afraid of how others would look at me.

Was I doing it out of love? Yes. I was doing it because I loved myself enough to overcome the fear and at least try. Was it dark and creepy? Yes. Did it make my heart soar to be able to create my first story and have it come out in form the way I wanted it to? Yes. Do I worry about what others will think when they see it? Maybe still a smidgy bit but I have to do it. It is a part of me. It is my creation. It is a story. It isn’t real life. Could I get some nasty feedback about being a monster? I suppose. But when it comes down to it, by jumping in with both feet and doing something I didn’t think I would ever be capable of I overcame what I feared the most. Rejection, Trolls, the things that go bump in the night….you know the list. I stood up to my fear and I made it into the light from the darkness. I didn’t become the boy from my story. I became a woman with a purpose to be true to the real me. When I finally post it I will make sure I put a link in here somewhere to lead you down the dark path to where my mind was residing for a few hours. It’s not a pretty place but if I do say so myself, it is a macabre read, kind of scary good actually. (said with evil menacing smile of course)

I thank my wise woman, if you’re reading this, you know who you are. I thank me for giving myself permission to do what I wanted to, needed to do and for standing up to the fear that being a writer and a human being entails. I am responsible for me and only me. I am not responsible for how you react to what I do if it was done in love and with no harm in mind. I thank you for still being here stopping in even though I take journeys from time to time and am not here very much. I come back. I always come back….and alot of the time, even stronger than when I left. Thanks for once again joinging me on my endless journey to reinvention of self.

Peace and blessings my friends.

Namaste, Kim

Missing in action

The white dirty wires wiggled back and forth. The pressure gage remained low, wiggle the wires back and forth again….is there something wrong with the connection? Running fingers and grasping to push forward, connecting the metal screws as volts of energy run through the fingers round the body before the fingers could be pulled back. A scream of terror, of pain courses through as the dog runs frantically up the stairs to hide on the couch. Sitting there as breath moves quickly in and out, fingers red with a throbbing beat that matches the heartbeat. I’m not ready to die was all I could say. 

Electrocution was not on my agenda on Saturday but it all turned out ok. Lessons learned the hard way. I was not patient. I was in a hurry. I was not being present in the moment. I was still dwelling on conversations from the last few weeks with people that were replaying back in my mind like a broken record on 78 speed. The water pressure low because I had forgotten I had laundry going and it had nothing to do with the pump but I had to win the fight, had to get shit done…..had a house showing and felt the pressure building. I guess the jolt brought me back down to earth rather quickly. I walked out into the sun after cuddling the fearful shaking dog and just stood there. Wow….not fun but it was my call to stop and just let it go.

Appreciate the things that are going right, the earth is gonna move with or without me so I may as well stick around and enjoy the ride. This summer is flying by but maybe I can make it slow down, notice the trees as the leaves change color. Appreciate the people I have in my life even more while I have them. Appreciate myself too enough to slow the hell down and pay attention. I’ve been so tired lately and I think a lot of it is just the involvement in everything around me, but not ME. I am listening more to those around me and a lot of the time finding out that people can be mean. That while locked into their own insecurities it enables them to speak out against others faults. I know as I’ve been guilty too in the mean girl mentality, not oftenand rarely but once is enough, right? I hear words and I just want to float away and not be a party to it. But how do you handle someone who is being the mean party in a conversation? I changed the topic and it went away but it made me think of how many times I’ve talked to people and perhaps said something that could be construed as mean? Would I have wanted to know? Maybe I didn’t mean it the way it sounded? Communication can be a tricky thing and I am still learning everyday but in the meantime turning into bubble girl slipping away on the wind to avoid the talk that is needed. If I am going to slow down and enjoy this lovely life, I too must slow down my words and make sure I mean what I say and not say it mean. I want to be that person who will be remembered in a good light. So if we are talking and I’m not saying much, it is because I want to savor what I am hearing and interpret it correctly and not just assume you are being a jackass….just kidding, needed a light hearted moment there. Does it make sense? I often wonder myself as there is so much good in this world and I want to surround myself with goodness and truth and honest feelings, I need to walk away from the people bashing, the comments said light heartedly but That still ring in the ears with the ambulance shrill siren of truth. I hate walking away from a conversation and berating myself for not speaking up, even though the conversation was about someone I didn’t know….by not speaking up, did I just perpetuate the behavior? Let me know what you think I should have done.

So back to the of the  topic at hand, I want to savor each word because you never know when it will be the last, I want to really feel your thoughts, I want to hold hands with those I’m missing and love with each passing day. I want to wake up smiling because it is going to be a beautiful day, rain, snow or glorious sunshine. I want to slow down and take it all in as if today is my last day. I want to know I am thought of in a good way. I want to know I am loved. I am human. I am not perfect but I will keep trying at least to be a better me. If I can’t stay a part of your conversation that sits on my chest like a bolt of electricity, I apologize for the far away look in my eyes as I dream I turn into a shining bubble and float up a little higher than I am now. Someday I may speak out but not right at this second because really, I have too much good happy living to do and can’t be slowed down by the chain of negativity they are trying to tie me up in. 

I apologize for the rant my beautiful friends and if I said anything shocking. I am just tired of the petty meanness of gossip and backstabbing that seems to be taking over around me some days. Mean people suck is my favorite sticker I’ve ever seen and it holds so much truth. I don’t want to play a part of unfolding drama, I just want to live a happy peace life filled with joyous happy people. No downer Debbie’s or nasty Nellies need to apply, no vacancy. Sorry. Life is just too short, truly shocking I know….truly.
note….this is not for any specific person, just a culmination of many events in the last few weeks that have been draining my energy and happy life blood. I need to regain me and maybe by writing this out it is my read for reminding myself to step away from the dark and run like hell back to the light….and to quit playing with wires while distracted too.⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️ thanks for letting me carry on. Zip (not to ever be confused with Zap) peace and blessings beautiful ones. K

How to get some inner peace….and get rid of the crap too.

Happy Tuesday beautiful and amazing specimens of gorgeousness. That goes for the guys too in case you wondered. I am going crazy…but, you wouldn’t know it. What does “crazy” look like to you? Is it the manic personality flailing out with bitchy tones and attitude? Is it the “wild eyed she’s finally lost it” stare that the husband gives you when you make a strange and unexpected request? Or can it be as peaceful as a body of water with no ripples. It is dark and you know there’s a bunch of stuff down below but it looks so very nice. Is it a place like that do you think? Inviting on a hot summer day, beautiful reflection of the surrounding trees and lest we forget the gorgeous blue skies with the big poofy marshmallow type clouds that hover over your head like whipped cream on a sundae?
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Maybe you just want to dip your toes in just to see, after all, it is so calm and peaceful and you slowly are loosening up your muscles as you sit on the bank and take off your shoes, slowly stretching the tootsies out to test that water pool. You see the fish move off as you slide your feet and maybe your ankles too into this cool bliss, you wiggle your feet as you swish the water back and forth and you even smile. Ripples flow out from where you went in and then as you lean back in a zen yoga pose and big snapping turtle comes up and tries to treat your toe like a little hot dog in a bun. Move pretty fast, don’t you? You didn’t expect that nasty thing to be in there. It was so peaceful and now your heart is beating like a group at a drum circle. Well folks, that’s how life is. Just when you think it is safe to relax and let your guard down something jumps into your life to make you absolutely freak. I mean come on, you could have lost a toe or worse, right? (and you can still work with a missing toe so don’t even go there). The point is that alot of the time when things seem to be going to smooth and we are in that happy place, there is always going to be something thats going to come in and damage your fun.
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Maybe a person with a piss poor attitude, maybe another endless car repair after you JUST got it out of the shop, or maybe the dog pooped on the rug again. It can be anything after all and isn’t this universe just totally setup to shit on your day?
NO, NO, and NO. Things are gonna happen. You may not like it, and even try to rationalize it away but that is life my friends. Shit happens. But, how you deal with these things that happen is what is going to turn you into a warrior of peace. You will wear your teflon armor of a mood and let that crap slide right off.
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If you go back to the turtle now that your heart is settled you may realize that you let the fear in. Now you’re never going to put your feet in a pond again because what if….yup, things that scare you are going to make you second guess yourself next time and then you will never know joy. You need to face this head on. Maybe it was only a painted box turtle and he thought your pinkie toe was a worm or something. You can’t let one little hiccup stop you from getting back in there and doing something you want to do. I find in life there is always a peaceful yoga like bliss right before something horrid happens. Yes, everything good always has bad, right? Nope again dear ones. You need to get between the good and the bad and find that happy middle ground. You let go and relax. You jump in with both feet and if you get bitten, well, it was going to happen anyway. If you never tried, you would have never known. Life is here to teach us to live it fully and completely. Good and bad but the middle has a bit of it all. Each and every moment to live feeling alive is what we are here for. When you have that balance in your life and you feel things start to go off kilter, just let it go. Move with and through the feelings it makes you feel and let it go. You are like a duck in water, now just let those gorgeous wings shake off that water (or stress) as it if it is supposed to, because it is. Let the ripples flow to the ground.
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You are not a sponge. Do not hold it all up till you are too full to hold anymore, squeeze it out people. Sit quietly and think for a moment. When were you the most excited? Was it when you tried something new? Was it when you stood firm your ground on something negative someone said to you, or the way they made you feel and then you realized that it really wasn’t about you at all. When people are hurt, they lash out. You know this as that is why they say nasty negative things when you are around. Don’t be the sponge that sucks it all up, squeeze it out and move on because it is not about you. Think, and then think some more and you may realize that the times when you most felt alive was when you experienced something exciting and new or you felt so powerful. You did something and guess what? It didn’t kill you. You took that baby step and dipped your toes in the water…who knew there was a viscous turtle down below? But the point is, you did it in the first place.
What is there in this world that you want to do? Do you want more happiness? More joy? Stop and take the time in your life to just think. If you feel fear, own it and then face it and keep moving forward. Leave the crap behind, the negative feelings, the insecurities, etc….leave it on the ground and just walk away as fast as you can.
We only have one life to live and I know I don’t want to let fear stop me from the what-ifs.
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If I lose an arm to a shark while swimming in the ocean with the happy seals, well I will just have to hunt and peck on the keys with one hand won’t I? The point is if I sit on the beach and fry like a dead fish while everyone else is out cooling down and having fun, who is really losing here? Me. I don’t want to not try. I want to run in like a screaming toddler at the top of my lungs with my laughter carried on the wind. By letting the crap go, that is where you will find that inner peace. When you love yourself enough and want the best for your life, when you want to experience the thrills of something new and meet new people that you always felt apart from, that is when you will feel that inner calm of pure joy and happiness. Go on, just kick that old turtle in the shell and say back off man, this is my zen moment and you’re harshing my happy buzz….but first you have to get your feet wet.

The light within…a letter to self

A short time ago I was given the challenge on a lovely trip with some new friends. Walking through a butterfly conservatory we were tasked with taking a photo of something in the room that was filled with so much beauty that we could use to describe ourselves or what we wanted to be in our lives. I watched the lovely butterflies moving about the room, dining on fruit and just being their amazing little winged selves. I looked up at the ceiling and was dismayed to see trapped carcasses of dead winged butterflies. Why in this place of beauty was I focusing on the saddest aspect, the death of beauty? I felt a warmth on my shoulder and through a space there shone a light. The sun as it was moving down on its nightly trek was touching my shoulder softly. I didn’t want to see the darkness and it was at that moment I decided what the most important thing I saw and the piece I took away from in that moment was that I wanted to be a light. I wanted to be a light in someone’s darkness.
Once I returned home from that trip those words kept coming back to me. I would find the moon peering in at me through cracks in the shades to wake me up for a week straight, and the other day as spring was slowly moving its way into our area I stood out in the sunshine and looking up saw a cloud that was rainbow-colored. Not a full rainbow, but just what must have been a wet cloud acting like a prism as the sun fell through. I rushed in to get a camera to capture the moment to share but most of it had dissipated by the time I got back out there. This left me a little sad. I had a tough day at work and here is this bright spot and I can’t keep it forever. I can’t share it. In hindsight, special moments like these are what I find to be the sweetest parts of life. I needed to say something to myself, something that would last and so I wrote a letter to myself.
Dear beautiful,
Some days I still laugh a bit when I say those words but I know it is necessary to you to hear it and believe. I know how you felt when the words fell on you with that sun, to be that light and I know some days when it seems so very dark that you forget and that’s why I’m here. There are so many times in life that bring you joy and happiness and like the rest of the world you want them to last forever. It cannot. They cannot. Things evolve and change and if it was always sunny you would tire of it, if everything was always great you’d be waiting for something bad to happen to break up the monotony of it all. You have memories to remind you and someday they too shall fade away leaving you wondering if they ever really existed at all. That too shall be sad but that is life. The important thing is the quest. So many give up waiting for good things and beautiful moments to happen and they get so let down when it doesn’t fall in their laps. You keep searching though. You look to the sky and see beauty, even if only fleeting you continue to look. You share words with the world and you show your visions with glee. You are the light that you wanted to be, you just didn’t see it but others did. Don’t forget to give the gifts of yourself, to listen, to share, to love. The dark days don’t last forever because somewhere there is light. Look within and unwrap your wings and fly into that blue, fly high and live in the light. You deserve what we all deserve. To be happy, to smile, to dance, to love, to live. Be that light and never fear the occasional flicker, that’s just me reminding you to charge those batteries and shine brighter. We will do it. We will find that crack in the fabric of any darkness and we will shine and we shall be blinding in our joy. We are the beauty of a rainbow, we are the peace of a gentle rain and we are the pieces of this world that will shine through.

I read this on days when I feel drained. When the world leaves me weary and I need to feel the light. Have you ever written to yourself? If you haven’t, what would you say? Try it some time and you will find that you know yourself best and know what you need to hear the most.
It will make you feel better and I thank you for letting me share my light with you.