Tag Archives: peace

Through the darkness…and finding light

Hello my beautiful friends. Once again this blog has found me absent for quite awhile. I was on a journey, well still am actually if truth be told. Every day that finds us questioning, asking the wise tribe members advice, etc….then we are on a journey. I guess that means that if you’re reading this post, you are on your own journey of sorts too. Well first let me say thank you for joining me on mine.

This life has given me a whole lot of sacks lately to carry on my back and I’m sorry to say I wasn’t wise enough to actually stop and put them down when it became too much. I needed to let alot go. Feelings, changing thoughts and most importantly my need to be responsible for others feelings. I can only control what I do and if I do it in love and you react in some sort of negative way to it, then I need to stop myself from trying to carry you. I need to let your reaction be your reaction. If it is anger so be it. If it is love returned so be it. But I need to solely take resposibility for myself. No others. So I can’t sit here and tell you how to live, what to do, how you should feel, and on and on with the list. I’m a people pleaser….I try to hard to be liked, always insecure in the thought from childhood that no one would like me unless I said what they wanted to hear, do what they wanted me to do and so on. As my bestie and favorite wise woman told me….girl, you are drowning…..

She was right. I didn’t want to admit it at the time but she could see what I couldn’t, being too close to it all. Wow, talk about truth smacking you in the face. I could have denied it, ran in fear from it or faced it head on. I faced the demons. I looked in the mirror and said you know what, she is sooo very right. Humph….now what?

I’ve had the pleasure of having the last few days to myself. Being married that is a very hard thing in my life to have. After spending short of work, every waking moment around each other I found myself like a loose flapping sail. I kept trying to grab the rope to keep tethered but in the end just let myself drift with the tides. If i was hungry, I ate. If I wanted a nap, I took one. If I wanted to sit on my ass and do nothing, well my friends I’m happy to say that I did that too. I would normally look back and say “what the hell were you thinking?” but this time I said no. I need to be me, with me, doing me things.

The silence was deafening….so I caught up on a tv show I enjoy and drank a few glasses of water to hydrate and found myself still up at 10:30 at night as opposed to my normal yawning by 7. I went outside and just looked at the sky and walked with the dogs. I reconfigured my emails from blogs so that the stress of waking to 120 each morning wouldn’t be so overwhelming. New blogs I had followed and had followed me yet never popped in got segmented to a once a week email. I awoke this working day to 30. That felt good. I found as I was downsizing so to speak I would start questioning myself, “what if they get mad”, “what if they stop following me”, what if what if what if…..I took my wise womans advice and said I am doing this out of love….for me. I can’t open up an email to 10 posts from the same person every day. It was sinking me. I couldn’t get any of my own writing done. It felt like such a dark place to tell the truth.

I had been toying with a new style of writing. I want to delve into short stories but I know my faithful followers on my other blogs of poetry are just as overwhelmed and busy as I am and I don’t want to saddle them with having to like what I write, or even to read it for that matter. When you mostly read poetry, as a friend once said on writing, size matters. It is a form of short stories that aren’t about peace and love and happy things. It certainly isn’t something short that can be read in two minutes either. It is dark, sinister and very un-me like. I was afraid of what i would find by going to the dark side of things. My husband always told me writers are a crazy lot and many have to create stress and turmoil to write out their heart and soul. Maybe there’s a tiny bit of truth in there but then I looked at it from a different angle. Being a writer means to use your creativity to produce something, whether it be art, painting,writing,etc….it had to come from a mind that see’s a little differently. So I did it. I wrote my story. It was very intense the phase of making the characters talk and I put myself in their place, in that mood at that very moment and just wrote out what he or she would say. I lost complete track of time and couldn’t believe when I looked at the clock and two hours had gone by. Here I was in this dark creepy serial killer style story and I had become almost like an onlooker to the whole story. It was incredible. It was intense. It was something I created and I was and still am so very proud of it. But I found what upset me the most wasn’t in the writing of it, the part that hurt was realizing so much I haven’t done for the taking of responsibility of what others would think. I denied a big part of myself because I was afraid of how others would look at me.

Was I doing it out of love? Yes. I was doing it because I loved myself enough to overcome the fear and at least try. Was it dark and creepy? Yes. Did it make my heart soar to be able to create my first story and have it come out in form the way I wanted it to? Yes. Do I worry about what others will think when they see it? Maybe still a smidgy bit but I have to do it. It is a part of me. It is my creation. It is a story. It isn’t real life. Could I get some nasty feedback about being a monster? I suppose. But when it comes down to it, by jumping in with both feet and doing something I didn’t think I would ever be capable of I overcame what I feared the most. Rejection, Trolls, the things that go bump in the night….you know the list. I stood up to my fear and I made it into the light from the darkness. I didn’t become the boy from my story. I became a woman with a purpose to be true to the real me. When I finally post it I will make sure I put a link in here somewhere to lead you down the dark path to where my mind was residing for a few hours. It’s not a pretty place but if I do say so myself, it is a macabre read, kind of scary good actually. (said with evil menacing smile of course)

I thank my wise woman, if you’re reading this, you know who you are. I thank me for giving myself permission to do what I wanted to, needed to do and for standing up to the fear that being a writer and a human being entails. I am responsible for me and only me. I am not responsible for how you react to what I do if it was done in love and with no harm in mind. I thank you for still being here stopping in even though I take journeys from time to time and am not here very much. I come back. I always come back….and alot of the time, even stronger than when I left. Thanks for once again joinging me on my endless journey to reinvention of self.

Peace and blessings my friends.

Namaste, Kim

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How to enjoy life….(step away from that device)

Hello most amazing people. You are all looking so very beautiful and fit and tanned today. The summer is upon us full throttle and I saw the weather forcast this morning and thought life had ended and we were all in hell. I mean 90+ degrees, really? Now here I am trying to sell our house and hot, sweltering, and I get the “why can’t I be swimming in the pond instead of next door in the shade at the neighbors cabin trying to keep the dogs in check?” attitude. Oh, and they have only an outhouse at the cottage…and no running water….and the realtors never call us when they’re done so two days of showings later spending an hour and a half each showing and waiting patiently when I could be floating like a scoop of ice cream in rootbeer but in a pond. They never call to tell us they’re done….kind of rude I thought even after we told them to. But such as life and I get over it and I am actually enjoying this hot balmy weather and with the ultimate move to Florida, that is a great feeling. I am embracing it. I am giving myself a big damp hug and saying “baby, this is just the start”, and then I visualize Buffalo in the winter and if I am in Florida by then, WOW. From hell to the arctic and back. Ok, it’s not really hell and I was just kidding that it was….hell is when I’m stuck in a group environment and no one is talking to each other….if sitting around the campfire, the flickering flames cast an eerie glow, leaving our faces in shadow…but what’s that I see? The glow of a phone, or two, or five…..What ever happened to conversation? The stuff you have with the person sitting next to you….the tales you weave, the songs you may sing (kumbaya comes to mind for campfires for some reason). Hey, how’s your day? Let’s start there….and you get the mumbled response. They are looking down, not at you and their mind is somewhere but certainly not here at this moment. Now I think that is just the saddest thing. Really, we are supposed to be connected by the universal invisible string (picture super big ginormous piece of tooth floss) tying us all in together in this big amazing world and you want to sit and text your friend who is sitting next to you?
Wow, now that is just sad.
Have you ever sat next to someone and looked into their eyes for an extended amount of time and just marveled at the thoughts that ran through your head? Maybe wondered what they are thinking at the same exact moment? It is an incredible feeling and it connects you to others in such a simple way.
Take for example my bestie…
My bestie is in California? camping (well, she lives in Cali but I’m not sure if she is camping in the state) but anyway, we met at a conference of sorts on infinite possibilities in Key West six months ago. She was older than me and kind of took me in like a mother duck. Well one of the exercises we had was to pick the person next to us and just sit there and stare into each others eyes and connect. We had to wish something for them or describe what we saw when we looked inward so deeply. Well her and I have become the best of buds, and she is camping. Away from technology and the world at large…old school camping pretty much with a group but alone ultimately. I am so very jealous in a way but so very happy for her opportunity to prove that she can do it…unless there’s an earthquake which I hope not. But to do something like that, getting completely away and not at a hotel with a tv or radio or endless distraction. So I did a little experiment the other day and went off the grid for three days. I didn’t even open my ipad which is my email/FB/everything connection to the world. I would walk by it and reach out to flip the cover and gently remind myself that ‘NOPE”, you are not to touch it. I spent time outside, I hugged a tree, I danced in the garage with the dogs when no one was watching. I TALKED to real life people. I put the gadgets away and you know what I found? Peace. Yes, Peace and damn did it feel good. I felt centered. I felt alive and at one. I took in the sights and scents of fresh air, I sat by the pond and watched the fish swish around and got downright giddy when I heard an owl one morning making its hooty sounds. I smiled, and it was enough. I was where I needed to be, present in the moment and aware of it.
Sadly day four and back to reality with 264 emails to respond to. I knocked those off, rearranged my priorities and got rid of somethings I thought I wanted to deal with but ultimately measured against would it make me happy to continue down that path, if I answered no, I gently pressed the delete button. I love this life I am given and these days are rushing by so very quickly. I don’t want to be the one in the end wondering what kind of quality life did I leave? Was I creative, putting something beautiful and inspiring out into this world or did I carelessly fritter it away on what in the end would amount to nothing? I chose quality over distraction and feel much better for it. If I had one take away from it, it brought into my memory my friend who died a few months ago short of her 28th birthday (or possibly 29th). The last time she came to dinner as we sat discussing our days (her, myself and hubs) I remember feeling so let down as she held the phone in her hand throughout the meal and spent most of it looking into her lap texting. I hope it was important but I would have instead liked to have had the words from her lips that will now no longer ever be. Wasted time is lost time and I’m tired of losing it needlessly. I will set aside one day a week now and go off the grid. I will turn off the phone, the ipad and I will live. I will sing, and laugh and perhaps even swim in that pond on a gorgeous sunny hell hot day and I will relish in the memories I will make. I don’t need a selfie of my life. It lives in my mind and will till I die.
Give it a try my friends. It will be hard for sure, but once you do it and you listen to the whisper of the wind through the trees or hear an apple fall and that dull thunking sound it makes as it hits the ground, or the drone of the big bulky bumblebee humming in a flower, then you know you are tuned into the greatest frequency. The frequency of life. Let me know if you do and if you feel more at peace. Be alive and in the meantime, see you on the peaceful side.
Peace and blessings,
K

PS. not sure what day I may pick to go off the grid, we have some rain coming in the next few days and I’m thinking of porch rocking (under protected roof of course) in a lightning storm may just be what the peace doctor ordered. Care to join in? I’ll set out an extra chair. photo is my happy messy desk at home….lots of fun and color. Set loose the inner child.

The days of a fraud….turning the lie to truth.

Hello most amazing and beautiful people. I apologize for not being around much lately, as the reason will be part of this post today. I’ve been actually doing some heavy reading and soul-searching. I know to be truly happy and at peace you have to constantly strive to improve your life, whether it be health, love, addiction, etc…any areas that can be cleaned up a bit is a good thing. But once you clear out the cobwebs and really, I mean REALLY look below the surface and see what lies below, what happens when you realize it was a lie? It is ugly down there and closing your eyes and hiding is no longer an option. What happens when you finally realize that the ugliness no longer serves? What happens when every place you try to hide has become a little lighter and there are no more shadows to crawl into? What happens when you let yourself out of your box just a little bit and realize “This ain’t so bad after all”.
When you face that fear head on and say no matter what, you’re going to make it through because there is nothing to fear except the voices that keep telling you it is a crazy scary place and girl/boy, you don’t want to be poking your head in that place.
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I always looked at my life-like how I visualize the ocean. when it is calm and peaceful and the sun sets after a very long day I can sit beside the water and just feel grounded for awhile, I can be a part of the whole. And then I rise up and have to head back home to the shadows of my fears and hide. I left a piece of myself behind in that soft wet water and now I don’t have that blissful feeling anymore. I left the treasure behind. Well truth is I really didn’t leave it behind, I just hid it away again. When I am not in that happy place I get so very angry with myself for not being there. I mean, I know how to get there but I let excuses lead me back to the darkness. I leave myself behind and become what everyone else wants me to be, or at least my perception of what they want me to be is. Man, that is the suckiest feeling. And it sucks because I let it. I eat to make myself feel better, leaving me feeling like crap afterwards and then I starve myself of the things I enjoy because I had too many calories….
I look in the mirror and still tell myself how beautiful I am and I truly believe it. Do you want to know why? Because once I ballooned up to 189 pounds (yeah, I’m putting it out there) I told myself that it was OK. Yep, hide the head in the sand some more. I started to play a trick with myself and by golly it worked. I cut out some things that I enjoyed immensely and if I get pissed off I drink water. I don’t eat a bowl of ice cream. If I feel sad I get up and shake my hips ’cause no one can be upset when a girl with no rhythm gets up and shakes it. It makes me smile. I CUT out the sugar. No more donuts on donut day, no more vending machine crap, just granola if I feel the need for the sweet snack, and if I want ice cream, I have a tiny bowl that I have at home that holds about 3 tablespoons full. Perfect. I have lost 12 pounds now and I still looked at myself this morning and felt beautiful. Naked in front of the mirror, stretchy marks and fading tattoos and all. But it doesn’t solve the underlying issue. I shouldn’t have to eat when I’m upset. So how to deal with what upsets me. Now when you’re at the ocean you will have quiet smooth waves days and then you will have “Oh shit, here comes the storm, grab the umbrella” days.
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The wind is whipping the sand at your legs and the rain lashes you and the waves would suck you in if they had the chance. I see people out there swimming but I don’t dare as I am afraid. I don’t want to drown. I’m not strong enough, or maybe I’m just smart. Not sure to tell you the truth. But those waves come crashing down and those are like every little thing that comes along to upset me. Life, work, family, you name it. Anything can upset the apple cart. I want the smooth water but when I get those big assed waves what to do? It’s only nature, and it’s going to happen. Do I choose to be upset about something that is out of my control? Well, sometimes yes and that is where the problem arises. We have no control over circumstances for the most part but we can have control over how we react to it. I can get treated with a complete lack of respect and allow the situation to escalate or I can take my ball and walk off the court till things subside. If I am facing anger, I need to breathe. It is NOT about me. It is about the person who is pissing you off, but you don’t have to be pissed. Let it go. Let that big wave wash right back out to sea and you can go to the sand dune and watch it and maybe wave to it as it disappears. I don’t need to go to the ice cream shack. Not gonna do me any good after all except make me angry with myself. Now I am not saying that I have a perfect body, hell no but it is mine and I am finally beginning to embrace that woman goddess that I am. I am ME. I am the only one who has to be happy with ME. If someone else makes a comment about how I look, that is their opinion and has nothing to do with me. It is their perception. But in the meantime if it is a compliment, I will take it with a big happy smile because I am making the difference in my life. I have traded non stop BBQ meat party and invited myself to a lunch of jasmine rice with some steamed veggies of awesome colors and a wedge (just a little bit) of a fine cheese and maybe even a glass of red wine. Or not. And lots of water. Water is the new best friend. I stand up when I want to and dance, and I smile again. I cannot hide behind the Snickers and the Breyer’s any longer. I cannot try to please anyone else. I please myself. I am worthy and I am good enough and this body is responding like a rock star. I tried to hula hoop the other night with the girls and had a blast. Why have I not done this before? The way my muscles felt when I was done was amazing and it felt so very good. There was a calm happy feeling that washed over me and I realized I wasn’t by the beach and the calm water. It didn’t matter. I had found the treasure in being myself, looking like a fool and just having an amazing time being me. I wasn’t worried about my T-shirt sliding around or someone looking at my stomach and I knew that the missing piece was in loving myself. Being Me. Loving me.
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I am sure there will be more waves to push me around but I’m willing to get out there in the water and face up to the storm. The worst that will happen is I may start to drown but I know the right words to save myself. I am beautiful and I believe in me. Calm water, rough water, I will float and be the mermaid goddess that I was meant to be.
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How to get some inner peace….and get rid of the crap too.

Happy Tuesday beautiful and amazing specimens of gorgeousness. That goes for the guys too in case you wondered. I am going crazy…but, you wouldn’t know it. What does “crazy” look like to you? Is it the manic personality flailing out with bitchy tones and attitude? Is it the “wild eyed she’s finally lost it” stare that the husband gives you when you make a strange and unexpected request? Or can it be as peaceful as a body of water with no ripples. It is dark and you know there’s a bunch of stuff down below but it looks so very nice. Is it a place like that do you think? Inviting on a hot summer day, beautiful reflection of the surrounding trees and lest we forget the gorgeous blue skies with the big poofy marshmallow type clouds that hover over your head like whipped cream on a sundae?
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Maybe you just want to dip your toes in just to see, after all, it is so calm and peaceful and you slowly are loosening up your muscles as you sit on the bank and take off your shoes, slowly stretching the tootsies out to test that water pool. You see the fish move off as you slide your feet and maybe your ankles too into this cool bliss, you wiggle your feet as you swish the water back and forth and you even smile. Ripples flow out from where you went in and then as you lean back in a zen yoga pose and big snapping turtle comes up and tries to treat your toe like a little hot dog in a bun. Move pretty fast, don’t you? You didn’t expect that nasty thing to be in there. It was so peaceful and now your heart is beating like a group at a drum circle. Well folks, that’s how life is. Just when you think it is safe to relax and let your guard down something jumps into your life to make you absolutely freak. I mean come on, you could have lost a toe or worse, right? (and you can still work with a missing toe so don’t even go there). The point is that alot of the time when things seem to be going to smooth and we are in that happy place, there is always going to be something thats going to come in and damage your fun.
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Maybe a person with a piss poor attitude, maybe another endless car repair after you JUST got it out of the shop, or maybe the dog pooped on the rug again. It can be anything after all and isn’t this universe just totally setup to shit on your day?
NO, NO, and NO. Things are gonna happen. You may not like it, and even try to rationalize it away but that is life my friends. Shit happens. But, how you deal with these things that happen is what is going to turn you into a warrior of peace. You will wear your teflon armor of a mood and let that crap slide right off.
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If you go back to the turtle now that your heart is settled you may realize that you let the fear in. Now you’re never going to put your feet in a pond again because what if….yup, things that scare you are going to make you second guess yourself next time and then you will never know joy. You need to face this head on. Maybe it was only a painted box turtle and he thought your pinkie toe was a worm or something. You can’t let one little hiccup stop you from getting back in there and doing something you want to do. I find in life there is always a peaceful yoga like bliss right before something horrid happens. Yes, everything good always has bad, right? Nope again dear ones. You need to get between the good and the bad and find that happy middle ground. You let go and relax. You jump in with both feet and if you get bitten, well, it was going to happen anyway. If you never tried, you would have never known. Life is here to teach us to live it fully and completely. Good and bad but the middle has a bit of it all. Each and every moment to live feeling alive is what we are here for. When you have that balance in your life and you feel things start to go off kilter, just let it go. Move with and through the feelings it makes you feel and let it go. You are like a duck in water, now just let those gorgeous wings shake off that water (or stress) as it if it is supposed to, because it is. Let the ripples flow to the ground.
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You are not a sponge. Do not hold it all up till you are too full to hold anymore, squeeze it out people. Sit quietly and think for a moment. When were you the most excited? Was it when you tried something new? Was it when you stood firm your ground on something negative someone said to you, or the way they made you feel and then you realized that it really wasn’t about you at all. When people are hurt, they lash out. You know this as that is why they say nasty negative things when you are around. Don’t be the sponge that sucks it all up, squeeze it out and move on because it is not about you. Think, and then think some more and you may realize that the times when you most felt alive was when you experienced something exciting and new or you felt so powerful. You did something and guess what? It didn’t kill you. You took that baby step and dipped your toes in the water…who knew there was a viscous turtle down below? But the point is, you did it in the first place.
What is there in this world that you want to do? Do you want more happiness? More joy? Stop and take the time in your life to just think. If you feel fear, own it and then face it and keep moving forward. Leave the crap behind, the negative feelings, the insecurities, etc….leave it on the ground and just walk away as fast as you can.
We only have one life to live and I know I don’t want to let fear stop me from the what-ifs.
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If I lose an arm to a shark while swimming in the ocean with the happy seals, well I will just have to hunt and peck on the keys with one hand won’t I? The point is if I sit on the beach and fry like a dead fish while everyone else is out cooling down and having fun, who is really losing here? Me. I don’t want to not try. I want to run in like a screaming toddler at the top of my lungs with my laughter carried on the wind. By letting the crap go, that is where you will find that inner peace. When you love yourself enough and want the best for your life, when you want to experience the thrills of something new and meet new people that you always felt apart from, that is when you will feel that inner calm of pure joy and happiness. Go on, just kick that old turtle in the shell and say back off man, this is my zen moment and you’re harshing my happy buzz….but first you have to get your feet wet.

Happy? Holidays…and how to keep yourself happy.

This is a tale of being happy during that time of the year called the holiday season , or in some folks cases, not so very happy. Each of us was gifted with a covering called skin. They come in a variety of shades, some with freckles, some with scars, and some with what seems to be varying thickness. Mine is somewhere in the middle on the thickness scale. The times that test that thickness I find seems to be everyone’s favorite? time of the year. Those Hallmark moments called Holidays. Most come with a merry or a happy as a prefix but the more people I encounter, the more I see for a lot of us it may not necessarily be true. It’s not always the most wonderful time of the year. I remember an Easter years ago that I spent painting my apartment. It was a great day. I was productive. I was covered with paint but getting something done that I didn’t have any other time to do it. Then the phone calls came and I was reprimanded which then lead to feeling guilty. I was being made to feel something that had nothing to do with me but had to do with everyone else. I was content being creative. I was happy. I was alone and I was good with that. Nothing screams peace, or should I say whispers peace like the sound of silence around you.
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Obligations can drive some crazy. Driving here, driving there, eating too much at the family table and hours away doing something you may not want to be doing. When we were kids it was over the river and through the woods to grandmothers house we’d go. It was fun and we were happy, at least until our teenage years when life intervened and then we had better things to do, friends to hang with, and not lame relatives. Remember that? How attitudes change through our lives and as we get older and the old folks population kept decreasing we realized that maybe we should be happy to spend some holiday time with them. Or maybe we were even guilted into it perhaps. So what to do with this quandary? How do you try to be happy about something that any other day would be fine to do but maybe today you just don’t feel like it. You’ve got a project to do and no time, the kids are sick and miserable, and this is your one day to get it done. What do you do???
I have a lot of friends who are divorced and the holidays are a very tough time and if they have kids, even worse. Dividing your time so that everyone gets a piece of the childhood to share, a day for you and a day for me. It does not make people happy. Sooooo….how do you change your attitude and embrace the necessary? Boundaries….set them. If you cannot devote an entire day at Grandma Lou’s, set aside a few hours. There is no law that says you have to be there at the crack of dawn and drive home asleep after dark. Just because things were always done a certain way does NOT mean that those things can’t change. Have discussions on what works for you and re arrange the set in stone tradition. Create new traditions. Nothing pisses people off more (and a lot of people I know can carry grudges all of their days) than being told you HAVE to do something you don’t want to do JUST BECAUSE that’s the way it always was. Let folks know what you want. Stand up, speak up because if you do not, that little mean voice within you is only going to throw a tantrum later on anyone who happens to be around because you are once again mad at yourself. Set clear and concise boundaries…What is acceptable to you and stand your ground on it. If it pisses people off, too bad. It’s not all about them. It is about compromise. It is about staying happy on the Happy Holiday. Your time is valuable, just as your thoughts about yourself are valuable. Make the changes that will work for you.
It doesn’t mean blow off every family event so do not think I am saying that (but if that is your choice it is all on you) but live your life the way you want.
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You are living your play, living your Broadway showstopper life and you are the director. The actors around are there to support your dream but they have their expectations too. That you will play fair and find some enjoyment in what they do. Now there may not be a Tony for your directing skills but that’s ok. There’s always the Oscar to reach for. Go big or go home, right?
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You can have happy holidays, or any happy days in general. Just make sure you are spending the time doing what you want to be doing and not just forced into doing. Baby steps to happy begin with change and boundaries are just another step to getting there. Now, back to Grandma’s house….I think 3 till 7 works out just fine, cards with the old folks ain’t my thing and the dog at home needs attention too…and so do I, in a little quieter environment with my blanket and glass of wine.
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