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Missing in action

The white dirty wires wiggled back and forth. The pressure gage remained low, wiggle the wires back and forth again….is there something wrong with the connection? Running fingers and grasping to push forward, connecting the metal screws as volts of energy run through the fingers round the body before the fingers could be pulled back. A scream of terror, of pain courses through as the dog runs frantically up the stairs to hide on the couch. Sitting there as breath moves quickly in and out, fingers red with a throbbing beat that matches the heartbeat. I’m not ready to die was all I could say. 

Electrocution was not on my agenda on Saturday but it all turned out ok. Lessons learned the hard way. I was not patient. I was in a hurry. I was not being present in the moment. I was still dwelling on conversations from the last few weeks with people that were replaying back in my mind like a broken record on 78 speed. The water pressure low because I had forgotten I had laundry going and it had nothing to do with the pump but I had to win the fight, had to get shit done…..had a house showing and felt the pressure building. I guess the jolt brought me back down to earth rather quickly. I walked out into the sun after cuddling the fearful shaking dog and just stood there. Wow….not fun but it was my call to stop and just let it go.

Appreciate the things that are going right, the earth is gonna move with or without me so I may as well stick around and enjoy the ride. This summer is flying by but maybe I can make it slow down, notice the trees as the leaves change color. Appreciate the people I have in my life even more while I have them. Appreciate myself too enough to slow the hell down and pay attention. I’ve been so tired lately and I think a lot of it is just the involvement in everything around me, but not ME. I am listening more to those around me and a lot of the time finding out that people can be mean. That while locked into their own insecurities it enables them to speak out against others faults. I know as I’ve been guilty too in the mean girl mentality, not oftenand rarely but once is enough, right? I hear words and I just want to float away and not be a party to it. But how do you handle someone who is being the mean party in a conversation? I changed the topic and it went away but it made me think of how many times I’ve talked to people and perhaps said something that could be construed as mean? Would I have wanted to know? Maybe I didn’t mean it the way it sounded? Communication can be a tricky thing and I am still learning everyday but in the meantime turning into bubble girl slipping away on the wind to avoid the talk that is needed. If I am going to slow down and enjoy this lovely life, I too must slow down my words and make sure I mean what I say and not say it mean. I want to be that person who will be remembered in a good light. So if we are talking and I’m not saying much, it is because I want to savor what I am hearing and interpret it correctly and not just assume you are being a jackass….just kidding, needed a light hearted moment there. Does it make sense? I often wonder myself as there is so much good in this world and I want to surround myself with goodness and truth and honest feelings, I need to walk away from the people bashing, the comments said light heartedly but That still ring in the ears with the ambulance shrill siren of truth. I hate walking away from a conversation and berating myself for not speaking up, even though the conversation was about someone I didn’t know….by not speaking up, did I just perpetuate the behavior? Let me know what you think I should have done.

So back to the of the  topic at hand, I want to savor each word because you never know when it will be the last, I want to really feel your thoughts, I want to hold hands with those I’m missing and love with each passing day. I want to wake up smiling because it is going to be a beautiful day, rain, snow or glorious sunshine. I want to slow down and take it all in as if today is my last day. I want to know I am thought of in a good way. I want to know I am loved. I am human. I am not perfect but I will keep trying at least to be a better me. If I can’t stay a part of your conversation that sits on my chest like a bolt of electricity, I apologize for the far away look in my eyes as I dream I turn into a shining bubble and float up a little higher than I am now. Someday I may speak out but not right at this second because really, I have too much good happy living to do and can’t be slowed down by the chain of negativity they are trying to tie me up in. 

I apologize for the rant my beautiful friends and if I said anything shocking. I am just tired of the petty meanness of gossip and backstabbing that seems to be taking over around me some days. Mean people suck is my favorite sticker I’ve ever seen and it holds so much truth. I don’t want to play a part of unfolding drama, I just want to live a happy peace life filled with joyous happy people. No downer Debbie’s or nasty Nellies need to apply, no vacancy. Sorry. Life is just too short, truly shocking I know….truly.
note….this is not for any specific person, just a culmination of many events in the last few weeks that have been draining my energy and happy life blood. I need to regain me and maybe by writing this out it is my read for reminding myself to step away from the dark and run like hell back to the light….and to quit playing with wires while distracted too.⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️ thanks for letting me carry on. Zip (not to ever be confused with Zap) peace and blessings beautiful ones. K

Mirror Mirror on the….(oh just go away you feckin’ ass)

Hello beautiful friends. Welcome to a rather fine Tuesday. Okay, it’s not so fine but we know how to cope through that, right? It’s all about thinking happy positive thoughts she says through smiling teeth and eyes that betray the truth. This was my conversation with my mirror today. At 2 am when most of the world was sleeping and I sat there with rosy cheeks from being out in 10 degree weather yelling yet again for my goofy dogs. So what’s a girl/guy to do? I was in no mood to embrace the day. I just wanted to sleep. I looked in the mirror at the bags under my eyes, hair messed up, nose red and now running and thought WTF. Who wants to start a day like this? It’s supposed to be waking up all bright-eyed and happy right? Wrong. It doesn’t always go that way and my week was a perfect example. I can sit there and piss and moan about my life, stare at the mirror with an exhausted mind or I could do something else…but what else can I do, right? After blowing my nose I looked in the mirror some more and said to myself, Girl, get your mind out of the swamp of woe is me and give it a spin.
What you need is a good laugh. Yeah, you’re thinking who does this at two in the morning, right? Well, I guess that would be me. So I did what any overtired dog mom would do, I dropped my robe (with the door wide open for the no neighbors to see anything) and I started shaking my booty for me to see. I started to talk to the dogs in my best british accent that I learned recently from friends and told the two little intrigued beasties what fecking idgits they were and how is mommy the queen ever supposed to feel lovely and beautiful if they kept interrupting my sleep? I tried it in my mom’s voice too just for poops and giggles and you know what? It worked. The dogs stopped cowering and I was laughing at myself. I was flexing my muscles, shaking my bass and pretending I was the dancing queen of the bathroom.
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See, I improved my mood. I could look in that mirror that was telling me how much I looked like crap or I could have fun with it. Short of raiding my wardrobe for some snazzy disco wear, I worked with what I had. I didn’t think there was much…but there was so much more. There was happy in place of irritable anger, there was calm dogs instead of quaking nitwits afraid of my wrath (and no I’ve never beat them….just with held some biscuits as needed…after all, who wants to reward the disrupters? They’d keep doing it….or so Pavlov says).
No, I could be a superstar of the tile.
I could be Miss muscle universe and make “Ahnold” nod in awe.
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I could be naked and laughing and telling myself how much sleep is over rated when you are rocking that bathrobe like a fine woman. I laughed…I blew my nose some more and then it dawned on me, when we take the shrivelled lemons that life hands to us, the dried out useless ones, we just add some lemoncello and have a party. We make our thoughts into something different, something goofy that will help the situation, we become fun for a moment. We look into that mirror and call it out for the liar it can be. It only see’s what we tell it to see. When we put on the happy glasses even when we’re pissed off and mad as hell, something changes inside us, we find a little bit of childhood happy, that little pinch of peace.
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I finally decided to go back to bed and instead of the racing heart and anger I held peace in my mind. I didn’t think I would fall asleep but within minutes was invaded by the Sandman and he brought the most fun dreams. I had thrown the anger to the wolves and brought in the clowns. I awoke still calling the dogs names in the english accent and my husband just looked at me like I’d lost my mind but I found that funny too. After a few moments (of deciding not to call the men with the little white coats on his insane wife) he laughed too. See, who says you can’t have fun in the house of mirrors. You just need to show it what you see…trust me, it will look back at you and smile too. Thank goodness the bathroom is not a public place with the chance of cameras. I would be a YouTube sensation of viralness. Spread the happy folks, check out your own mirror wherever you are, shake it, dance, laugh and for gods sake if someone walks in, just tell ’em you have a leg cramp or something. Much easier to explain.
Peace and mirrored joy to you my beauties.
Kim

The light within…a letter to self

A short time ago I was given the challenge on a lovely trip with some new friends. Walking through a butterfly conservatory we were tasked with taking a photo of something in the room that was filled with so much beauty that we could use to describe ourselves or what we wanted to be in our lives. I watched the lovely butterflies moving about the room, dining on fruit and just being their amazing little winged selves. I looked up at the ceiling and was dismayed to see trapped carcasses of dead winged butterflies. Why in this place of beauty was I focusing on the saddest aspect, the death of beauty? I felt a warmth on my shoulder and through a space there shone a light. The sun as it was moving down on its nightly trek was touching my shoulder softly. I didn’t want to see the darkness and it was at that moment I decided what the most important thing I saw and the piece I took away from in that moment was that I wanted to be a light. I wanted to be a light in someone’s darkness.
Once I returned home from that trip those words kept coming back to me. I would find the moon peering in at me through cracks in the shades to wake me up for a week straight, and the other day as spring was slowly moving its way into our area I stood out in the sunshine and looking up saw a cloud that was rainbow-colored. Not a full rainbow, but just what must have been a wet cloud acting like a prism as the sun fell through. I rushed in to get a camera to capture the moment to share but most of it had dissipated by the time I got back out there. This left me a little sad. I had a tough day at work and here is this bright spot and I can’t keep it forever. I can’t share it. In hindsight, special moments like these are what I find to be the sweetest parts of life. I needed to say something to myself, something that would last and so I wrote a letter to myself.
Dear beautiful,
Some days I still laugh a bit when I say those words but I know it is necessary to you to hear it and believe. I know how you felt when the words fell on you with that sun, to be that light and I know some days when it seems so very dark that you forget and that’s why I’m here. There are so many times in life that bring you joy and happiness and like the rest of the world you want them to last forever. It cannot. They cannot. Things evolve and change and if it was always sunny you would tire of it, if everything was always great you’d be waiting for something bad to happen to break up the monotony of it all. You have memories to remind you and someday they too shall fade away leaving you wondering if they ever really existed at all. That too shall be sad but that is life. The important thing is the quest. So many give up waiting for good things and beautiful moments to happen and they get so let down when it doesn’t fall in their laps. You keep searching though. You look to the sky and see beauty, even if only fleeting you continue to look. You share words with the world and you show your visions with glee. You are the light that you wanted to be, you just didn’t see it but others did. Don’t forget to give the gifts of yourself, to listen, to share, to love. The dark days don’t last forever because somewhere there is light. Look within and unwrap your wings and fly into that blue, fly high and live in the light. You deserve what we all deserve. To be happy, to smile, to dance, to love, to live. Be that light and never fear the occasional flicker, that’s just me reminding you to charge those batteries and shine brighter. We will do it. We will find that crack in the fabric of any darkness and we will shine and we shall be blinding in our joy. We are the beauty of a rainbow, we are the peace of a gentle rain and we are the pieces of this world that will shine through.

I read this on days when I feel drained. When the world leaves me weary and I need to feel the light. Have you ever written to yourself? If you haven’t, what would you say? Try it some time and you will find that you know yourself best and know what you need to hear the most.
It will make you feel better and I thank you for letting me share my light with you.