Tag Archives: thereinventionintention

The tears of a clown….more lies to truth.

Good day and hello my beautiful friends. Another Saturday finds me listening to the new roof being hammered into place by the guys who are inspiring me once again to take down the old and put up the new. Years have gone by and the roof has stood up to the pounding effects of Western New York snow, wind and rain and even sometimes sun. The time has come for refreshment/repair. Just like us. You and me. We have gone through years of everything under the sun and we have spent years building layers, masks so to speak, and after awhile that mask gets a bit saggy and tired. Heck, it weighs so much and we may think under all of those layers lies such ugliness that we don’t DARE take it off. Maybe even with loved ones we hold that sucker firmly in place, we are ordinary beings and nothing special, right? Aw come on, you and I know better than that. We are awesome. We are rock stars. But if you are like me, you often forget it. You get caught up behind that mask and when the tears fall and slip out from below we feel so very vulnerable and we often run away and hide so that no one can see that we too can slip. Oh No, they can see that we aren’t perfect. They pity us. They are people who have all of their shit together and we are just make believe selves hiding.

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We may have the most beautiful facade but we are afraid. We are so worried about what others think of us and truth be known, people most often think only of themselves. You worry for nothing. Yet still we keep up that mask. We hide the sorrow behind the happy clown smile as if it is shameful just to be ourselves. Why? What would happen if we stripped off that mask and just let the warts show once and for all? What if we aren’t perfect? Well, then we’d find out the truth. The fact that we are just like everyone else. Everyone wears masks. It’s just that no one wants to admit it. How many of you enjoy Halloween? As a kid I think it was my favorite holiday. Why you may ask? Because it was the one day out of the year I could be anyone I wanted. I could be amazing. I could be a superhero, a princess or something else equally as amazing. But it was only for one day. Once I got home with my loot (the big bag of candy) the laughter kind of drifted away and I became plain old me again. It made me sad. I was just me again. I couldn’t pretend anymore to be something I wasn’t. What if we could be what we wanted? What if we could be amazing? Well contrary to popular belief we can. It is a little thing called self confidence. It is a word called honesty. It is a belief in ourselves and it involves taking off the fake mask and replacing it with a miraculous shining happy face that lies beneath.

 

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It is there, we’ve just forgotten what it looks like. We are just afraid of what we may find. When we become honest with ourselves we find that things begin to change. The mask slips a little, we connect on a deeper level with ourselves and others. When we are honest we have courage. It’s really not so bad. No one is laughing. No one is pointing fingers saying “look at her, who does she think she is? She has problems, she isn’t perfect either” because no one is and deep within we all know it. Be yourself. Think of yourself any way you want, just make sure it is honest. If you are a rock star super goddess, then that is what you are! But be real, and be you. Shine like the sun and go deep inside and heal that little child who is afraid. Be the lion and ask for courage and you will find you already have it, you have just hidden it away for far too long. A beautiful person is one who can be REAL by being honest with others and themselves. You know these people when you meet them. They connect because they have such happy energy surrounding them. They are the ones who may have a zit on their nose that they don’t try to hide (because things heal quicker when they are left open to the air instead of covered and festering), they are the ones who have some love handles, or as my Mom likes to call them muffin tops. Yep, I got some of that…built by muffins actually but they are slowly going away. Why? Because I stopped hiding them. I stopped worrying about them. I HAVE A MUFFIN TOP SO THERE. I am not perfect. I am not going to wear the mask anymore. If I want to cry, then I will cry. If I say something wrong, I will apologize. But I will not let anyone else define who I am. I have taken off the mask and have seen what lies below. It was ugly. It was my inner self that needed the jump start to be real. I stared into the face of the beast and the beast began to shrink before my eyes. I began to like myself again. I began to take a stand for myself and to be the person who I was really meant to be. I was free to be me.

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It is still a work in progress, a reinvention intention so to speak and it will last the rest of my life. I learn something new every day about life and myself and if I find something that I don’t like, I don’t try to hide it, I take steps to change it. You may or may not know who you are because you just never wanted to know, but if you want to know just take off the mask. You may be a mother, a sister, a wife or a friend but that is not who YOU really are. Your mask may be food, alcohol, drugs, or anything else that serves to hide your true self. I have many masks and they are all slipping away. I am afraid of what I may find but it is only because I know it is going to change the ME I’ve come to know.
I used to drink every night. I became someone who was not me. I made excuses and hid away under the alcohol relaxed happy party girl. I changed for others. I looked in the mirror and even though the little voice in my head said “Girl, you know better, you’re much smarter than this…so why”? So I stopped. I took that step and just stopped. I didn’t die. I didn’t curl up in pain and no one hated me for this change.
I had a hellish day at work and I went home and instead of reaching for my typical glass of wine or ultra light beer I went outside in the sun filled air and I walked through the woods and just breathed. I drank lots of water. I slept badly the first night and after that the next few nights I slept good. I did not have my usual vibrant dreams and that made me sad but I know they will return. I lost another two pounds and I lived. Nothing bad happened. I am becoming myself again, I have just hidden me away for so long enough and I knew something was missing. I didn’t love ME. I am learning to again and WOW, that feels so good. The silence of thoughts echo and the panic and fears are dissipating. Things are going to happen out of my control. I can only control myself and I had to let go of the anxiety, lose the negativiity that surrounded me. I let the mask slip some more and no one was laughing or judging me. The only one who had been judging me had been myself. What a freeing moment it was.

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I am finding as I change it may not sit well with others and I am ok with that because I can’t pretend to be someone other than who I am. I will deal the best I can with the repercussions. None of us can sustain the mask and be happy. You just can’t have the mask and the self. It is one or the other. Hide or be real. So if you get anything from this story on my daily journey to self, please feel free to share, let the mask slip a little because you are going to find the only way we are going to get through each day and climb our way out of the darkness is with a little help from our friends. They have their masks too. Together we can be naked faced (to actually just be ourselves). It has to start somewhere. Baby steps are still steps taken. I stand here naked before you and I am ok even with my Muffin top hanging out because I may as well show it off….it won’t be there much longer and I wish I could say I will miss it, but I will only miss the message it served, to inspire me to believe in myself and take the steps to change, to go back in time and be a truthful messenger of words to myself. Gotta run and get some more water….out of coffee (missed the reminder message from the hubs to pick it up yesterday-not all messages get heard says the messenger) and still bright eyed…..Be a rock star, get up on that stage and rock your fine self in all of your blemished not so perfect glory. I will be there clapping and shouting out YAY you!!!! Can I have your autograph?

Peace and love to you and see you at the naked ball 😎💜

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Notes from the cardboard….or how to be a happy box

Welcome to another day in paradise my beautiful friends. The sun is shining, you are amazing and this universe is awesome.
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What? You’re feeling a wee bit down? The sad box friend has come to visit you and he won’t politely leave even though you no longer are enjoying his company? You’ve told him to pack up his crap and go but he refuses to budge? Hmmm…well we shall have to come up with a strategy to evict that little bit of cardboard then won’t we? He is a fun little creature to visit with…at first…but then he starts to, well, you know. Brings you down when you want to feel up. You sit and listen to his song play over and over….
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You’re not good enough. Nobody likes you. You’re ugly. You will never succeed. Sound familiar? Is that what that little bastard said? Why I oughta….well, no wait…you oughta….let’s see.
First things first…don’t play along. He only wants to move his crap in and take over. He isn’t fun. He needs to be packed up and to hit the road…alone. You stay where you are, thinking those awesome happy thoughts and he will be so bored without you coddling him he may just go.
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If you don’t play with him, he will have no one to talk to or play with. He wants to see you lose. He wants you to be as sad as he is. Don’t do it….take your ball and go home. Leave him on the field of thoughts and turn and walk away.
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When the sad box comes to visit the days get darker. The mood grows quite blah. You start believing his nasty little words. If you really want to feel better and lose the box of glum, treat yourself like the amazing person you are. Don’t turn that frown upside down, turn that sucker into a bright happy clown smile. All teeth, big happy lips…shine those pearly whites into that magic mirror and say “I am not a sad box. I am a glistening present with bright-colored wrapping and a big assed bow”. You are not a plain box. You are the greatest gift. Get dressed and go out and find some fun. Treat yourself to some goodies…whatever makes you smile…and something that tastes good can’t hurt, right?
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I know he gets comfortable to keep around but he is not your friend. He will sit by you and tell you to be like him. Be a sad box. Keep me company. I will be lonely if you don’t stay. Let’s sit together and be pals.
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Don’t do it. Turn on some music. Dance like no ones watching (although we know the sad box will) but the sad box doesn’t know how to dance. The sad box doesn’t know how to feel joy. The sad box sees the world through little holes. You are the smart box. You open your eyes and know what you need to do. You are the wise happy box that will rise above. The wise box that will open yourself up and escape those confines. The wise box with wise friends who help to lift you on your journey. Not the sad mean box who leaves you behind in a puddle forgotten.
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You don’t want to stay tucked away in the corner catching dust. As you watch your color fade and realize you’ve become an old tired box. Why? Because you’ve listened too long to the sad box tell you how to be. No more of that, boxy lady (sorry…just got lost in a bit of Hendrix for a moment)
Put on your surround drown the sound ear thingy and close that sad box out. Sing along to your favorite tune while wearing your favorite outfit.
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You are the happy box. Kind of like the happy meal but much better. You are the fun prize in the happy meal box. You need to open up the box that is you and find that good inside. Dig below the garbage that the sad box has thrown in and find that happy place. Get out there in the world and stop to smell the flowers.
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Just do something. Anything. Don’t stay in the dark with the sadness. Cut him down to size and put him out with the trash. Make sure to recycle him so that someday he can return as a ️happy box. Maybe he will find new use as a greeting card of joy, or a cereal box for coco puffs, the point is he will no longer be there to bring you down. He overstayed his welcome and it was long overdue for him to go bye-bye. Today, this very minute is something that will never come again. You can hang around with the sad boxes of this world or you can live your life your own way. You can travel. You can write. You can make snow angels.
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The world is your warehouse. Give yourself the gift of happy and while you’re at it, send some of that goodness to others. After all, it may not be our birthday but who needs a special occasion. We all like when that box shows up on our doorstep (especially if delivered by a hot uniformed guy/or gal). ooh, a present for me? Cool. I deserve presents. I am wonderful. I feel amazing, and I’m coming to a doorstep near you next. Say goodbye sad box, hello new happy box filled with awesomeness.
Come on in and stay awhile. I’ll make us a nice Mojito to enjoy while we catch up on all the great things you’ve been doing.

You’ve got a friend…(or how to be a Rock Star Super Friend)

Hello again most beautiful ones. Happy Monday too and if you feel so inclined, jump up and down and celebrate the day.
Today we talk about the greatest gifts in life. I could surprise you but after reading the heading I guess I’ve blown that. That’s ok, we’re all friends here, right?
So where to begin on the subject of friends?
I don’t know about you but when I was young my view of a true friend was a relationship somewhat on the level of Snoopy and Woodstock. Best pals, argued occasionally and for the most part did their own thing but enjoyed their time together. I grew up in a small town and really only had one friend up until she moved away. There was no one else close so for the longest time my only friends were found in nature after that. Once we moved to a bigger town I had to readjust to making NEW friends. Now talk about scary. I was shy. I was ugly. No one was going to want to be my friend. So with that as my thinking, guess what I found? Yep, very few friends. I had no faith in who I was. I didn’t feel worthy. Once the teen years hit it became even harder. I gravitated toward any group that would accept me. I set my bar lower and was doing things I wasn’t proud of just to be accepted. Does this sound familiar to you? I still had no faith in ME. The friends I had were not the kinds I needed and so I kept searching. I carried an autograph book around and asked EVERYBODY to sign it. After all, if you gave me your signature it must mean you like me, right? Anything I could get to show the world “LOOK” I’ve got a book of names of my friends. And let me tell you, it was very lonely. Not invited to parties yet within proximity where I could look out my window and see the others having a good time. WOW, talk about depressing. I dove into books. I dove into writing about my “Gasp” feelings, and in doing so found out a little about myself. It took me a few years later and actually changing my thoughts about myself to finally find the right kinds of friends. Friends who loved me for me. Friends who wanted to spend time with me. Friends that made me laugh, as I made them laugh, and most importantly, friends that I could cry with and not feel ashamed. Now that was some heady stuff let me tell you. To open the waterworks and have faith in myself that I am a great person and that I am smart and that I am beautiful. I wore clothes that made me feel beautiful because I was with people who accepted me, cottage cheese thighs or otherwise. I embraced my inner self and this whole world opened up. People were telling me their stories and you know what? They were all like me. I had finally found my Woodstock, my besties, my tribe, my true friends. I believed in myself enough to go through all of the B.S of those “so-called” friends and I could finally soar. I could have it all and be in bliss. Well guess what friends, yes I said it, FRIENDS. You are here reading this (I hope) and taking the journey with me. If you turned away by now that’s ok, I don’t take things personally anymore. As my husband says “there’s an ass for every seat” so I always go with that attitude. Maybe not for everyone but that’s ok.
So, how do you find those friends you’ve been seeking? How do you find those souls who are just like you? Who understand because they’ve walked their journey looking too…how you ask?
You listen. You stop what you are doing and look around you. You will see people around you who others naturally gravitate to. Generally these people are happy and smiling and ENGAGED with the world around them. If you introduce yourself and look into their eyes and with a genuine hello, embrace the moment as if they are already your BFF. You may be surprised that they will engage with you on a new level. It could be a coworker. It could be a person at a neighborhood cookout, but most importantly, you have to have faith in yourself. You have to hold their gaze and not look around. If you can’t look someone in the eye, then you are not present in the moment. You are not exchanging soul. Do you have people you talk to that tend to look away as if they’d rather be elsewhere? Maybe their thoughts are drifting and they’re not really listening…then WHY on this green earth would you waste your precious time on them? Yes, your PRECIOUS time. Spend it on someone who counts. Spend it on someone who wants to be there for you and if there is no one there at any particular time, SPEND it on YOURSELF. You are so worth it. You can be the rock star with a million friends, but the ones that count are the ones who do it with eye contact, with whole-hearted love and understanding and who are engaged with what you have to say. This is Snoopy and Woodstock, an unlikely pair but one that works well with each other but not suffocating each other and they make the world smile with them at the same time. Who is your Woodstock? Who is your Snoopy? When you stop to look around at those in your life, who are those that matter? Let them know. Give them a huge hug or send a letter “just because”. Those are the little things that matter. Oh, and if they hug back just a little harder, thank them and give it right back.
I am not a child anymore. I have acquaintances and I have friends and then I have my Super Rock Star friend BFF’s that are there for me as I am there for them. There’s room for more, I always save space (because the world is a big place) so come on in friend, sit down and we can talk. I can send you a virtual hug and I will listen. You’ve got a friend and we are both worth the time and effort that will go into being fabulous and we will be Rock Stars together….now, let’s get out there and shine like the super stars we are and get this tribe rocking the vibe of Friendship like none other before.
Tell me your thoughts on how you make friends. Do you tend to keep the ones you have just to have somebody? If they serve no purpose except to be able to say you “have one” or do you let them go if you find yourself being used for their purpose and it is not fulfilling yours too? Let me know if you’d like. Learning is a beautiful thing and we can always get by with a little help from our friends.
Peace and blessings.
Kim