Tag Archives: universe

Through the darkness…and finding light

Hello my beautiful friends. Once again this blog has found me absent for quite awhile. I was on a journey, well still am actually if truth be told. Every day that finds us questioning, asking the wise tribe members advice, etc….then we are on a journey. I guess that means that if you’re reading this post, you are on your own journey of sorts too. Well first let me say thank you for joining me on mine.

This life has given me a whole lot of sacks lately to carry on my back and I’m sorry to say I wasn’t wise enough to actually stop and put them down when it became too much. I needed to let alot go. Feelings, changing thoughts and most importantly my need to be responsible for others feelings. I can only control what I do and if I do it in love and you react in some sort of negative way to it, then I need to stop myself from trying to carry you. I need to let your reaction be your reaction. If it is anger so be it. If it is love returned so be it. But I need to solely take resposibility for myself. No others. So I can’t sit here and tell you how to live, what to do, how you should feel, and on and on with the list. I’m a people pleaser….I try to hard to be liked, always insecure in the thought from childhood that no one would like me unless I said what they wanted to hear, do what they wanted me to do and so on. As my bestie and favorite wise woman told me….girl, you are drowning…..

She was right. I didn’t want to admit it at the time but she could see what I couldn’t, being too close to it all. Wow, talk about truth smacking you in the face. I could have denied it, ran in fear from it or faced it head on. I faced the demons. I looked in the mirror and said you know what, she is sooo very right. Humph….now what?

I’ve had the pleasure of having the last few days to myself. Being married that is a very hard thing in my life to have. After spending short of work, every waking moment around each other I found myself like a loose flapping sail. I kept trying to grab the rope to keep tethered but in the end just let myself drift with the tides. If i was hungry, I ate. If I wanted a nap, I took one. If I wanted to sit on my ass and do nothing, well my friends I’m happy to say that I did that too. I would normally look back and say “what the hell were you thinking?” but this time I said no. I need to be me, with me, doing me things.

The silence was deafening….so I caught up on a tv show I enjoy and drank a few glasses of water to hydrate and found myself still up at 10:30 at night as opposed to my normal yawning by 7. I went outside and just looked at the sky and walked with the dogs. I reconfigured my emails from blogs so that the stress of waking to 120 each morning wouldn’t be so overwhelming. New blogs I had followed and had followed me yet never popped in got segmented to a once a week email. I awoke this working day to 30. That felt good. I found as I was downsizing so to speak I would start questioning myself, “what if they get mad”, “what if they stop following me”, what if what if what if…..I took my wise womans advice and said I am doing this out of love….for me. I can’t open up an email to 10 posts from the same person every day. It was sinking me. I couldn’t get any of my own writing done. It felt like such a dark place to tell the truth.

I had been toying with a new style of writing. I want to delve into short stories but I know my faithful followers on my other blogs of poetry are just as overwhelmed and busy as I am and I don’t want to saddle them with having to like what I write, or even to read it for that matter. When you mostly read poetry, as a friend once said on writing, size matters. It is a form of short stories that aren’t about peace and love and happy things. It certainly isn’t something short that can be read in two minutes either. It is dark, sinister and very un-me like. I was afraid of what i would find by going to the dark side of things. My husband always told me writers are a crazy lot and many have to create stress and turmoil to write out their heart and soul. Maybe there’s a tiny bit of truth in there but then I looked at it from a different angle. Being a writer means to use your creativity to produce something, whether it be art, painting,writing,etc….it had to come from a mind that see’s a little differently. So I did it. I wrote my story. It was very intense the phase of making the characters talk and I put myself in their place, in that mood at that very moment and just wrote out what he or she would say. I lost complete track of time and couldn’t believe when I looked at the clock and two hours had gone by. Here I was in this dark creepy serial killer style story and I had become almost like an onlooker to the whole story. It was incredible. It was intense. It was something I created and I was and still am so very proud of it. But I found what upset me the most wasn’t in the writing of it, the part that hurt was realizing so much I haven’t done for the taking of responsibility of what others would think. I denied a big part of myself because I was afraid of how others would look at me.

Was I doing it out of love? Yes. I was doing it because I loved myself enough to overcome the fear and at least try. Was it dark and creepy? Yes. Did it make my heart soar to be able to create my first story and have it come out in form the way I wanted it to? Yes. Do I worry about what others will think when they see it? Maybe still a smidgy bit but I have to do it. It is a part of me. It is my creation. It is a story. It isn’t real life. Could I get some nasty feedback about being a monster? I suppose. But when it comes down to it, by jumping in with both feet and doing something I didn’t think I would ever be capable of I overcame what I feared the most. Rejection, Trolls, the things that go bump in the night….you know the list. I stood up to my fear and I made it into the light from the darkness. I didn’t become the boy from my story. I became a woman with a purpose to be true to the real me. When I finally post it I will make sure I put a link in here somewhere to lead you down the dark path to where my mind was residing for a few hours. It’s not a pretty place but if I do say so myself, it is a macabre read, kind of scary good actually. (said with evil menacing smile of course)

I thank my wise woman, if you’re reading this, you know who you are. I thank me for giving myself permission to do what I wanted to, needed to do and for standing up to the fear that being a writer and a human being entails. I am responsible for me and only me. I am not responsible for how you react to what I do if it was done in love and with no harm in mind. I thank you for still being here stopping in even though I take journeys from time to time and am not here very much. I come back. I always come back….and alot of the time, even stronger than when I left. Thanks for once again joinging me on my endless journey to reinvention of self.

Peace and blessings my friends.

Namaste, Kim

Triggers of tears-(and not the equine variety)

Hello most amazing people and welcome to Tuesday. I’ve been stumped lately on a variety of things and I am really not quite sure why. I saw an article about the closing of the Roy Rogers museum and it made me wonder what is to become of Trigger. Now I realize for a lot of you Roy was before your time but I had grandparents who made me sit and watch the movies and shows with them and that is where I fell in love with palominos. I wanted one so bad. Later I was told poor trigger was stuffed and put in the museum and all I could think of was WTF? Who would do such a thing? And now with the closing, where is he going? It made me teary eyed at the thought of relics from the past being absently chucked or forgotten. Nothing lasts forever and this I know well. But why get tears eyed over a stuffed horse that probably has its fur molting off in chunks? Maybe it was the moon? I just finished a lovely lunch in the cafeteria. I was perusing my reader and a woman won a car on the price is right(the lunch show of choice for the masses). She was just so excited jumping up and down and I’ll be damned if I didn’t feel the tears welling up.

Geesh…..enough already. I am not one to cry easily and here I get the waterworks swimming in my eyes over perfect strangers. But maybe it’s the energy of things. When people feel emotion it gets carried through in the form of action. Anger, fear, happiness….most of the time you can tell from body language. Obviously if I won a million I’d be jumping up and down crying and you would say, “now that is one happy chickie”, or memories that brought joy (old Cowboys and horses) and their fall from favor due to technology and times that seem no longer relevant. Reading words, seeing body language, hearing tones of voice…..I guess it’s all about the same…energy moving, cause and effect. Sadness emits tears, as does anger and happiness. It is all a part of the whole. So why am I writing about this? Because I felt foolish. Because I sat there holding back my tears for fear of looking like a goofy dolt eating watermelon and sopping up the tears. I mean really, would anyone really truly give a crap?

 But I was afraid. I didn’t want to be laughed at. I didn’t want to be seen in an unhealthy light At work and that is where the problem is. Why? By suppressing The feelings we have, we kill ourselves, albeit slowly but those little things denied leave us defeated and feeling like dried up broken shells. We block the natural flow of things. By trying to fit in, we become like the little lemmings jumping off the cliff. We are paper cutouts of dolls. Oh we may look different but we are the same. Maybe the girl at the table next to me felt the same way, hiding tears of joy for a stranger winning a car. Maybe not. But I walked away feeling slightly fake, like I played my part like everyone else and shelved the feelings. I am not okay with that. I always admire people who can let it all hang out and be themselves. I love the people in airports who pick up a loved one and have tears in their eyes at the reunion. It brings tears to my eyes and that energy becomes the joyful thoughts that slip into the universe and keep us all human and connected. Why are we so afraid to be REAL? To let ourselves SHINE? To cry over silly things and even the important things, because after all, isn’t it all kind of important? By saying something in life isn’t important it’s like denying it. I cry. We all cry. I’m sorry my pal Trigger….I hope they find you a nice pasture to bury you in and to the lady who won today, you go girl…I’m crying with you proudly, just because….damn that feels good😀💦

Does anyone have a Kleenex or three? Damn…sold to the highest bidder. Bye Trigger. Sigh

Lessons in gratitude….a letter to the universe

Dear universe,
I know I don’t say it enough but thank you. I woke up this morning and yesterday too for that matter and there was just so much peace flowing through me that I had to actually stop and try to figure out why. (and also how I can I bottle up that awesomeness for a rainy day too of course) and the sun popped up while I stood under the big awesome sky above me and it too was amazing. I said it out loud, “thank you” and for every little thing that had happened the prior days, good or bad I continually just said thank you. Even if it seemed not so good, I again said thanks. For each little gesture or sign, again I said thank you and you know what? you kept bringing more and more. I must say I was a bit floored for awhile thinking “why me?” I don’t deserve to have this much joy and then the little voice above said YES, you do. I had been pondering a part of the book I am going to be working on and six hours asking aloud on which choice would be better for where I’m going with the story, I see my answer on a sign in front of church while waiting at a red light. The same exact answer to what I was pondering (under the apple tree is what the sign said). I asked it to show me certain numbers and BOOM, done. Still not quite believing, the next day I asked for another set of numbers and not only did I get the new ones I had asked for, I also got a replay of the ones from the day before….I think you were laughing at me, truly I do. But I laughed too and said thank you. The more open and loving I am being, the more I am receiving. It is truly awesome but you were just waiting for me to believe, to see, right? So flash back a few days ago and I wrote a piece about a bible set from when my father was a child he had been given that I had put out at my garage sale (for free, no charge) and how they had no meaning to me. After all, I hadn’t spoken to him in over 20 years so why keep them? Funny you, Mr Universe, upon putting the house on the web for sale, we went to the realitor to find out if there had been any progress. He asked about a name on his message machine and if I truly knew that person. Who would that person be? My father. He lives out of state. Well I was a bit flummoxed to say the least and most likely spelled that wrong too but who cares, right? Yep, but he didn’t find me through the blog that I had written a few days before, but it was through a chain series of events that had nothing to do with what I had written. And now he’s coming to town and getting older and wants to see his girls before he departs (not that I think he’s dying or anything nor did he say he was), but Wow Universe….Because I put it out there, he who shall not be spoken of and because I came to accept what is and no longer hold any hard feelings (I thought I had no feelings about it one way or the other)and to just let it go, let it be. I feel so much peace. So you’ve given me the numbers I’ve asked for, my father back into my life, and I am walking on air with the possibility of what will come next. I am opening myself up to not being angry or irritated by expectations that I may have for others, I am just letting it flow through my life like the river of joy it has become. Now I may still have my days when I wonder what you’re thinking when something happens that makes me feel sad, when I try to get others to join me in this fantastic voyage that is life and am all but given the “talk to the hand, no interest” attitude. I am moving forward regardless. So I know you are going to send me through this life with the most amazing tribe of friends that you we can muster and I know we are going to have so much fun. Darn, I can’t stop saying it enough but Thank you!!!! I feel so truly grateful for these little blessings and gifts, I had to share this with my world. Hope you don’t mind.
I am singing a song in my heart….can you guess what it is? I woke up singing it this morning and haven’t stopped….’cause everyday is “gonna be the best day of my life”, dontcha know it. Come on, let’s get crazy and dance this amazing day away. Thank you.
Thanks a million….can’t wait to see what’s up your cloud sleeve next.

How to rock a gratitude attitude

Hello beautiful. Our actions today are going to define the good from the bad, and the action we are talking about is gratitude. Do you often feel grateful for the gifts in your life, from something tiny to something grand? When you sit down to enjoy a meal either alone or with family, do you take the time to stop and with your prayer or internal thoughts to thank the universe, your God or whatever/whomever you believe in for the bounty before you? Do you then proceed to dive into your food with happy abandon and gobble it up while reading or watching television…and basically making sure your mind is not present and paying attention to what is before you as you eat? Sure, you’re thankful for that mac-n-cheese or steak or even maybe something so simple like a bowl of cereal but you’re really not enjoying it if your mind is elsewhere. Do you take the time to just take a bite, roll it around your mouth and chew it, savoring the flavor and at the same time setting your fork down before scooping more up. Do you notice the colors? Do you wonder about the person who grew the vegetables that are so colorful or the cow that grazed hopefully happily in a meadow that gave you that ice-cold glass of milk? Do you truly feel grateful as you are performing the act of eating as opposed to just being thankful for the meal itself, or that you have that meal at all? Part of being truly grateful and to embrace it in an amazing way is to make it an entire process. Look at the food you are eating, the cheese you are licking off of your fingers or the big birthday cake that someone took the time to make for you. Really think about the act of preparation, the time someone spent, or the money it cost to make you happy. Be grateful for it all.
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When you make gratefulness an entire process, it will change the way you think. Be grateful for what actually went in to the meal, the preparation, the thought behind it and hold that in your mind as part of the process. Thank the person who made the meal and if in a restaurant, thank the server who brought it to you and ask that a word of thanks gets passed to the chef. People are not told “thank you” enough. They are not just there to wait on you, to cook for you, they are there making a living (and hopefully grateful for the opportunity) to support their family and doing what they want to with their lives. Maybe it is a recipe that they are excited to share with you, feedback is a wonderful thing to hear when someone enjoys something you do. Look at the presentation of what is before you.
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Gratitude is an awesome thing. It makes people glow with appreciation and thanks. Even if you have very little, be grateful always.
On another note, and this is where the bad comes in, when you say you are grateful (for example) prior to a meal, giving thanks and then diving in like a ravenous dog from the alley, finish your meal and then claim it as “just ok”, are you then truly grateful? It’s like the BUT word. “You did an awesome job, but….”
“this food looks really good and I liked it but……”
“that looks really nice on you, but….”
I think you get the idea. If there is a but involved, are you really truly grateful? Think about that for a minute. Have you had times that you felt grateful for something and then almost cancelled out the gratefulness by complaining about it after?
Doesn’t seem quite right, right?
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Set about on your day and look for the things to be grateful for. Make a list when you go to bed each night for what you were grateful for and mean it. It can be that you were grateful you woke up not feeling tired and sore for a change, or that the dog made it through the night without making a mess, or that the baby slept all night and you did too. Anything. Everything. And all else in between. You will notice you will be more present in searching for the great things to be grateful for and when you go through your day, people will notice. You will begin to change. Your attitude will be lifted…and you will truly have a gratitude attitude.
You will feel light, happy and free and when people ask, tell them you are grateful for it all and smile.
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