Tag Archives: weight

The days of a fraud….turning the lie to truth.

Hello most amazing and beautiful people. I apologize for not being around much lately, as the reason will be part of this post today. I’ve been actually doing some heavy reading and soul-searching. I know to be truly happy and at peace you have to constantly strive to improve your life, whether it be health, love, addiction, etc…any areas that can be cleaned up a bit is a good thing. But once you clear out the cobwebs and really, I mean REALLY look below the surface and see what lies below, what happens when you realize it was a lie? It is ugly down there and closing your eyes and hiding is no longer an option. What happens when you finally realize that the ugliness no longer serves? What happens when every place you try to hide has become a little lighter and there are no more shadows to crawl into? What happens when you let yourself out of your box just a little bit and realize “This ain’t so bad after all”.
When you face that fear head on and say no matter what, you’re going to make it through because there is nothing to fear except the voices that keep telling you it is a crazy scary place and girl/boy, you don’t want to be poking your head in that place.
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I always looked at my life-like how I visualize the ocean. when it is calm and peaceful and the sun sets after a very long day I can sit beside the water and just feel grounded for awhile, I can be a part of the whole. And then I rise up and have to head back home to the shadows of my fears and hide. I left a piece of myself behind in that soft wet water and now I don’t have that blissful feeling anymore. I left the treasure behind. Well truth is I really didn’t leave it behind, I just hid it away again. When I am not in that happy place I get so very angry with myself for not being there. I mean, I know how to get there but I let excuses lead me back to the darkness. I leave myself behind and become what everyone else wants me to be, or at least my perception of what they want me to be is. Man, that is the suckiest feeling. And it sucks because I let it. I eat to make myself feel better, leaving me feeling like crap afterwards and then I starve myself of the things I enjoy because I had too many calories….
I look in the mirror and still tell myself how beautiful I am and I truly believe it. Do you want to know why? Because once I ballooned up to 189 pounds (yeah, I’m putting it out there) I told myself that it was OK. Yep, hide the head in the sand some more. I started to play a trick with myself and by golly it worked. I cut out some things that I enjoyed immensely and if I get pissed off I drink water. I don’t eat a bowl of ice cream. If I feel sad I get up and shake my hips ’cause no one can be upset when a girl with no rhythm gets up and shakes it. It makes me smile. I CUT out the sugar. No more donuts on donut day, no more vending machine crap, just granola if I feel the need for the sweet snack, and if I want ice cream, I have a tiny bowl that I have at home that holds about 3 tablespoons full. Perfect. I have lost 12 pounds now and I still looked at myself this morning and felt beautiful. Naked in front of the mirror, stretchy marks and fading tattoos and all. But it doesn’t solve the underlying issue. I shouldn’t have to eat when I’m upset. So how to deal with what upsets me. Now when you’re at the ocean you will have quiet smooth waves days and then you will have “Oh shit, here comes the storm, grab the umbrella” days.
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The wind is whipping the sand at your legs and the rain lashes you and the waves would suck you in if they had the chance. I see people out there swimming but I don’t dare as I am afraid. I don’t want to drown. I’m not strong enough, or maybe I’m just smart. Not sure to tell you the truth. But those waves come crashing down and those are like every little thing that comes along to upset me. Life, work, family, you name it. Anything can upset the apple cart. I want the smooth water but when I get those big assed waves what to do? It’s only nature, and it’s going to happen. Do I choose to be upset about something that is out of my control? Well, sometimes yes and that is where the problem arises. We have no control over circumstances for the most part but we can have control over how we react to it. I can get treated with a complete lack of respect and allow the situation to escalate or I can take my ball and walk off the court till things subside. If I am facing anger, I need to breathe. It is NOT about me. It is about the person who is pissing you off, but you don’t have to be pissed. Let it go. Let that big wave wash right back out to sea and you can go to the sand dune and watch it and maybe wave to it as it disappears. I don’t need to go to the ice cream shack. Not gonna do me any good after all except make me angry with myself. Now I am not saying that I have a perfect body, hell no but it is mine and I am finally beginning to embrace that woman goddess that I am. I am ME. I am the only one who has to be happy with ME. If someone else makes a comment about how I look, that is their opinion and has nothing to do with me. It is their perception. But in the meantime if it is a compliment, I will take it with a big happy smile because I am making the difference in my life. I have traded non stop BBQ meat party and invited myself to a lunch of jasmine rice with some steamed veggies of awesome colors and a wedge (just a little bit) of a fine cheese and maybe even a glass of red wine. Or not. And lots of water. Water is the new best friend. I stand up when I want to and dance, and I smile again. I cannot hide behind the Snickers and the Breyer’s any longer. I cannot try to please anyone else. I please myself. I am worthy and I am good enough and this body is responding like a rock star. I tried to hula hoop the other night with the girls and had a blast. Why have I not done this before? The way my muscles felt when I was done was amazing and it felt so very good. There was a calm happy feeling that washed over me and I realized I wasn’t by the beach and the calm water. It didn’t matter. I had found the treasure in being myself, looking like a fool and just having an amazing time being me. I wasn’t worried about my T-shirt sliding around or someone looking at my stomach and I knew that the missing piece was in loving myself. Being Me. Loving me.
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I am sure there will be more waves to push me around but I’m willing to get out there in the water and face up to the storm. The worst that will happen is I may start to drown but I know the right words to save myself. I am beautiful and I believe in me. Calm water, rough water, I will float and be the mermaid goddess that I was meant to be.
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I’ll have what she’s having….the hidden green monster

Hello beautiful and welcome to another lovely moment in your life. By now I hope your habit is settling nicely into your routine and I will add an extra Hello beautiful to your day in case you’ve forgotten.So today we are going to chat about jealousy. You know what that is, right?  That ugly and never beautiful green-eyed little beast that lies deep under the bridge of your psyche. We all remember the movie “When Harry met Sally”, right?

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The restaurant scene had me rolling on the floor in laughter (which is great for the abs and heart by the way) but when looking back at it today I get a sense for what the under lying theme was there. An older woman wanting the passionate bliss of the younger more beautiful woman. You know how that is, right? You see a young gorgeous woman maybe with perfect EVERYTHING and you think to yourself, now that is what I want. Well think about it. If that’s what you want to have, it must mean somewhere deep down inside you are finding yourself lacking. If you want it, it means you don’t have it. Jealousy. It makes you feel like crap because you’ll never be beautiful enough in your mind, or your boobs may be sagging now and you don’t feel attractive any more or you may not have the perfect life you’d always dreamed of. It tells its little tales to your mind that convince you that those tales are truth. The tales are lies. Like monsters under the bed that are going to get you, If you tell yourself they are there, you believe it because if you believe it, it must be true, right? The only tales that are true are the good ones you tell yourself. The ones that bring you up and make you happy. The ones YOU tell YOU. The positive thoughts are all that matter, let go the negative as they serve no use. Cast them away as fast as you can because they are the rocks tied to your legs that will pull you under and drown you.

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The next stone of jealousy to be cast away are relationships and your thoughts. Perhaps it goes as far as a couple vibrantly happy that you see out dining or walking down a beach. You know the ones that just exude energy and passion. You look at your own life that may be hum drum and think why can’t I have that? Did you ever think that below your perception of how you see things, that maybe what you see isn’t quite real? Maybe you don’t see the bad times others have gone through, the feelings below the surface of each person before you. Maybe that happy couple is really a husband having an affair with his mistress on holiday. Not so perfect then, is it?

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Or maybe the happy masks people wear in public are hiding an abusive life at home, or it could be that they may truly be happy. Great then, but they are not you. The point here is really about you and how you feel about yourself. The next time you see something and think, “I’ll really be happy if I were that beautiful, or if I had that relationship”, ask yourself what is it about your perception that is really driving that want. Change your view on how you see yourself, challenge the inner you to tell yourself that YOU are just as beautiful and are just as happy but in a way that’s about you. Put on some clothes that make you feel amazing and go out into the world acting as if you are amazing because you are. Hold your head high and smile at the world and for once, don’t give a crap about what anyone else thinks. Care only about how you feel. You will become your thoughts. If you want to feel beautiful, know that you are. Don’t rely on someone else to validate the way you feel, because you are the only one that matters. If someone laughs because you are skipping down the road with a song belting out of your lungs because you feel alive, laugh along with them because when others see you filled with joy, they then get visited by the green-eyed monsters. They will look at you and say, “I want what she’s having” and in that moment you will win because you will feel it deep within.  This is my personal view of beautiful:

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I see a perfect body, a beautiful dress and a relaxed woman. But what I also see is someone who is not me. I don’t want to be her. She is already her own person as am I. I respect the beauty but I have no illusions that it could be me because I am spectacular the way I am, the way I was born and the way I look. I will get older, I will get more gray and I love who I am. I tell myself each day and that mind-set makes me so happy and free. Free to be me.

We are imperfect people at best on a good day but the difference between the truly happy and the rarely if never happy peeps are the thoughts that we tell ourselves as we wake each day. We can either wake up and say what another crap day it’s going to be (unless it’s about the weather and we KNOW we can’t change that) or we can wake up, stretch our recharged muscles, fling open the window shades like Julie Andrews blissfully running across the meadow and say Hello World, I am here and I am in charge of me and I’m gonna rock this day in a most amazing way. Smile in the mirror, hell, jump up and down and say YES, I am amazing and I am alive. Banish those green nasty thoughts to the bottom of the trash of ugliness and let those rainbow happy YOU ARE AMAZING thoughts shine!

 

 

Because it’s all about the Brie …..not the Kraft

By now I’m sure you’ve  heard the song “all about that bass” or in some cases wish you hadn’t. I don’t have much bass to say the least but if you are on your way to the bass you gotta hit the speed bump that is known as my stomach first. Well now, that’s more about the Brie….and the swiss, and the cheddar, and the fondue, and the ….well, you get the idea.  Yep, I love my cheese. As a child the fondest memories were of parties at the holidays and tables filed with champagne glasses, fresh fruit (or at least  as fresh as you could get in the deep arctic of winter in Western New York) and of course cheese, cheese, and more cheese. Did I say there was cheese there?

Yes, all about that lovely soft goodness…which was great when I was young but alas, I’ve come to the conclusion that I can no longer ignore. I’m not that young anymore and with wisdom and bigger pants comes the lightbulb moment I had waited for. I cannot have my dream job….

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But I can have something much better….a longer life filled with the cheese I adore, but at just the right amounts. I can buy a brick of swiss and by gosh eat it in a week, and a very large wedge at that…or I can gather some nuts and berries and eat more of the healthy stuff and still nibble like a mouse.

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Berries and kiwi and apples, oh my. I can eat the colors of the sweetest rainbow and make less room for the cheese. It worked…

As time went by I found I did not miss the platter of cheese, cheese, and only cheese and I felt so much better. One baby step to feeling better and it worked. Now I’m not saying I have left cheese alone. Not by far and the other day was gifted with a box of my childhood favorite, Kraft Macaroni and cheese in the blue box of course…When did it call for a whole stick of butter? Or had I been in denial all of this time? After eating some I realized, if I am going to build my body to where I want to be, it could certainly improve more if I had instead, one little wedge of Brie or swiss and I would feel so much better. It’s all about what makes you feel better, right? I am not denying what I want but instead replacing the crap boxed cheesy stuff for the spectacular. If I want just a little cheese, I go into the store and have them cut just a small wedge…why tempt myself with an enormous piece…because it will go bad, right? So there for I will need to eat it faster, right? And I can’t waste it so I must eat it all and soon, right?

Nope! Just a little will suffice. (kind of like the mens cologne…just a little dab will do you). I changed my thoughts away from must have, and want want want, to I just need a little bit to make me smile, to make me feel worthwhile and warm and cozy inside. I buy swiss now in ultra thin slices and just have one, and no more guilt. I deserve to have a piece. I am worth it.

I am not worth eating the entire brick….see, I can have my cheese and eat it too….keeps the inner mouse quiet.

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Now about this cheese cake. Nothing says love more than high cholesterol and clogged arteries, right? Just sayin’.

So go for the brie, but just a little and skip the blue boxes and the speed bump will thank you in the long run…the cows may not be so happy but then there’s more for someone else, right?

Step away from the table… keep calm and nibble on.