Through the darkness…and finding light

Hello my beautiful friends. Once again this blog has found me absent for quite awhile. I was on a journey, well still am actually if truth be told. Every day that finds us questioning, asking the wise tribe members advice, etc….then we are on a journey. I guess that means that if you’re reading this post, you are on your own journey of sorts too. Well first let me say thank you for joining me on mine.

This life has given me a whole lot of sacks lately to carry on my back and I’m sorry to say I wasn’t wise enough to actually stop and put them down when it became too much. I needed to let alot go. Feelings, changing thoughts and most importantly my need to be responsible for others feelings. I can only control what I do and if I do it in love and you react in some sort of negative way to it, then I need to stop myself from trying to carry you. I need to let your reaction be your reaction. If it is anger so be it. If it is love returned so be it. But I need to solely take resposibility for myself. No others. So I can’t sit here and tell you how to live, what to do, how you should feel, and on and on with the list. I’m a people pleaser….I try to hard to be liked, always insecure in the thought from childhood that no one would like me unless I said what they wanted to hear, do what they wanted me to do and so on. As my bestie and favorite wise woman told me….girl, you are drowning…..

She was right. I didn’t want to admit it at the time but she could see what I couldn’t, being too close to it all. Wow, talk about truth smacking you in the face. I could have denied it, ran in fear from it or faced it head on. I faced the demons. I looked in the mirror and said you know what, she is sooo very right. Humph….now what?

I’ve had the pleasure of having the last few days to myself. Being married that is a very hard thing in my life to have. After spending short of work, every waking moment around each other I found myself like a loose flapping sail. I kept trying to grab the rope to keep tethered but in the end just let myself drift with the tides. If i was hungry, I ate. If I wanted a nap, I took one. If I wanted to sit on my ass and do nothing, well my friends I’m happy to say that I did that too. I would normally look back and say “what the hell were you thinking?” but this time I said no. I need to be me, with me, doing me things.

The silence was deafening….so I caught up on a tv show I enjoy and drank a few glasses of water to hydrate and found myself still up at 10:30 at night as opposed to my normal yawning by 7. I went outside and just looked at the sky and walked with the dogs. I reconfigured my emails from blogs so that the stress of waking to 120 each morning wouldn’t be so overwhelming. New blogs I had followed and had followed me yet never popped in got segmented to a once a week email. I awoke this working day to 30. That felt good. I found as I was downsizing so to speak I would start questioning myself, “what if they get mad”, “what if they stop following me”, what if what if what if…..I took my wise womans advice and said I am doing this out of love….for me. I can’t open up an email to 10 posts from the same person every day. It was sinking me. I couldn’t get any of my own writing done. It felt like such a dark place to tell the truth.

I had been toying with a new style of writing. I want to delve into short stories but I know my faithful followers on my other blogs of poetry are just as overwhelmed and busy as I am and I don’t want to saddle them with having to like what I write, or even to read it for that matter. When you mostly read poetry, as a friend once said on writing, size matters. It is a form of short stories that aren’t about peace and love and happy things. It certainly isn’t something short that can be read in two minutes either. It is dark, sinister and very un-me like. I was afraid of what i would find by going to the dark side of things. My husband always told me writers are a crazy lot and many have to create stress and turmoil to write out their heart and soul. Maybe there’s a tiny bit of truth in there but then I looked at it from a different angle. Being a writer means to use your creativity to produce something, whether it be art, painting,writing,etc….it had to come from a mind that see’s a little differently. So I did it. I wrote my story. It was very intense the phase of making the characters talk and I put myself in their place, in that mood at that very moment and just wrote out what he or she would say. I lost complete track of time and couldn’t believe when I looked at the clock and two hours had gone by. Here I was in this dark creepy serial killer style story and I had become almost like an onlooker to the whole story. It was incredible. It was intense. It was something I created and I was and still am so very proud of it. But I found what upset me the most wasn’t in the writing of it, the part that hurt was realizing so much I haven’t done for the taking of responsibility of what others would think. I denied a big part of myself because I was afraid of how others would look at me.

Was I doing it out of love? Yes. I was doing it because I loved myself enough to overcome the fear and at least try. Was it dark and creepy? Yes. Did it make my heart soar to be able to create my first story and have it come out in form the way I wanted it to? Yes. Do I worry about what others will think when they see it? Maybe still a smidgy bit but I have to do it. It is a part of me. It is my creation. It is a story. It isn’t real life. Could I get some nasty feedback about being a monster? I suppose. But when it comes down to it, by jumping in with both feet and doing something I didn’t think I would ever be capable of I overcame what I feared the most. Rejection, Trolls, the things that go bump in the night….you know the list. I stood up to my fear and I made it into the light from the darkness. I didn’t become the boy from my story. I became a woman with a purpose to be true to the real me. When I finally post it I will make sure I put a link in here somewhere to lead you down the dark path to where my mind was residing for a few hours. It’s not a pretty place but if I do say so myself, it is a macabre read, kind of scary good actually. (said with evil menacing smile of course)

I thank my wise woman, if you’re reading this, you know who you are. I thank me for giving myself permission to do what I wanted to, needed to do and for standing up to the fear that being a writer and a human being entails. I am responsible for me and only me. I am not responsible for how you react to what I do if it was done in love and with no harm in mind. I thank you for still being here stopping in even though I take journeys from time to time and am not here very much. I come back. I always come back….and alot of the time, even stronger than when I left. Thanks for once again joinging me on my endless journey to reinvention of self.

Peace and blessings my friends.

Namaste, Kim

Beyond real-moments of truth

Hello and beautiful Wednesday my friends. The sun is shining and I am not in top form today but you know what? That’s okay. I had to practice my yoga moves last night in bed as both pups decided they too needed the cool night breeze of the fan and to get to it, lay upon any body part of mine that was available. It was so warm and I woke several times in a sweat and I could have gotten pissed and kicked them off but you know what? I didn’t. I pulled my leg up and over them and repositioned myself several times trying to get comfortable and fell back to sleep until the next movement came. The funny thing was each time I woke up, I could see the moon beyond the window and the nicest thoughts just came to mind. Nothing in particular, just moments for me to stop and ponder before falling back into slumber. Now after the fifth time of this I laughed because I wasn’t angry. I felt bad for the pooches and I know they were most likely as uncomfortable as me (or maybe hoped at least that they were). I awoke refreshed and in a positive mood. Now my husband would have booted them onto their own bed but I was realizing just how blessed I was at that very moment, to have my best loved human and creatures beside me. How could I be angry.

So many times when I am feeling irritated and cranky, someone will say something to me and if I am paying attention, I will realize that this truth I am hearing is a blessing. Little things happen in life and they too are a blessing. I went thirty years without my real father in my life and BOOM, he’s back and for being pretty much a complete stranger in many ways to most peoples thoughts, it is like he’s always been there. I don’t know a whole lot about him but I miss him when he’s gone. I tell myself I should pick up the phone and call and then the dog runs off and I’m on the chase living the real life and the thought slips away. There’s always something getting in the way of what I should be doing and then I end up unexpectedly on a tangent with doing something else. I used to used chemo head as an excuse but then realized its been 9 years and the gist of the matter is I just get easily distracted and need to reign in my thoughts. To be present, you know? Then I get irritated that I didn’t follow through. I know life is like this for many people and I hope you somewhat agree with the assessment. To reach out and touch someone (like the old phone commercial) should be so easy. It’s not like we have to forrage for a dime (which then became a quarter and then more) because the cell phone is right there so why not pick it up and make the call? Heck, Superman doesn’t even have a changing stall anymore like the old days. We need to pick up the slack Superpeople and make those calls. I remember the days of the these words coming out of my mouth.

“Maybe I should have checked in”

“I have nothing new to say so why bother”

“I’m sure they’re probably busy and I don’t want to be a pest”

“Why would they want to hear from me?”

What happens when it’s too late? What happens when you get the call that there will be no more? WHat happens when so much time goes by and you keep telling yourself, “oh, I’ll get to it”and then you don’t and now it’s too late? The person who would have been on the other end isn’t here anymore….gone……no goodbyes, no I love you’s….just the empty feeling in the pit of your stomach of coulda,woulda,shoulda…..and now it’s too late. Life is real. Feelings are real. If someone really cares, they will never look at you like you’re a bother, an inconvenience….Never. Ever…..

If you can’t make the call even a simple email will do, just to say Hi, I’m thinking of you. You matter. That’s my beyond real thought. Being real is great but going beyond real to awesomeness is a rock star moment. To feel the love, to hear the tones of the voice, or to just see a beautiful photo taken in the woods by a father who is no longer a stranger, who sent it because he saw it and thought of me. The feeling I know as truth that “I matter” and by sending that one picture and phrase, well my friends, I think I’m truly the richest girl in the world…..And the tears of happiness prove that this grinch (just kidding) can have it’s heart expanded to almost bursting proportions….Now that is REAL.

Thanks Dad for the beautiful photo. I love it. I love you too.

Peace and Blessings my friends, now get out that cell phone and burn some minutes already.

K

Beyond real-moments of truth

Hello and beautiful Wednesday my friends. The sun is shining and I am not in top form today but you know what? That’s okay. I had to practice my yoga moves last night in bed as both pups decided they too needed the cool night breeze of the fan and to get to it, lay upon any body part of mine that was available. It was so warm and I woke several times in a sweat and I could have gotten pissed and kicked them off but you know what? I didn’t. I pulled my leg up and over them and repositioned myself several times trying to get comfortable and fell back to sleep until the next movement came. The funny thing was each time I woke up, I could see the moon beyond the window and the nicest thoughts just came to mind. Nothing in particular, just moments for me to stop and ponder before falling back into slumber. Now after the fifth time of this I laughed because I wasn’t angry. I felt bad for the pooches and I know they were most likely as uncomfortable as me (or maybe hoped at least that they were). I awoke refreshed and in a positive mood. Now my husband would have booted them onto their own bed but I was realizing just how blessed I was at that very moment, to have my best loved human and creatures beside me. How could I be angry.

So many times when I am feeling irritated and cranky, someone will say something to me and if I am paying attention, I will realize that this truth I am hearing is a blessing. Little things happen in life and they too are a blessing. I went thirty years without my real father in my life and BOOM, he’s back and for being pretty much a complete stranger in many ways to most peoples thoughts, it is like he’s always been there. I don’t know a whole lot about him but I miss him when he’s gone. I tell myself I should pick up the phone and call and then the dog runs off and I’m on the chase living the real life and the thought slips away. There’s always something getting in the way of what I should be doing and then I end up unexpectedly on a tangent with doing something else. I used to used chemo head as an excuse but then realized its been 9 years and the gist of the matter is I just get easily distracted and need to reign in my thoughts. To be present, you know? Then I get irritated that I didn’t follow through. I know life is like this for many people and I hope you somewhat agree with the assessment. To reach out and touch someone (like the old phone commercial) should be so easy. It’s not like we have to forrage for a dime (which then became a quarter and then more) because the cell phone is right there so why not pick it up and make the call? Heck, Superman doesn’t even have a changing stall anymore like the old days. We need to pick up the slack Superpeople and make those calls. I remember the days of the these words coming out of my mouth.

“Maybe I should have checked in”

“I have nothing new to say so why bother”

“I’m sure they’re probably busy and I don’t want to be a pest”

“Why would they want to hear from me?”

What happens when it’s too late? What happens when you get the call that there will be no more? WHat happens when so much time goes by and you keep telling yourself, “oh, I’ll get to it”and then you don’t and now it’s too late? The person who would have been on the other end isn’t here anymore….gone……no goodbyes, no I love you’s….just the empty feeling in the pit of your stomach of coulda,woulda,shoulda…..and now it’s too late. Life is real. Feelings are real. If someone really cares, they will never look at you like you’re a bother, an inconvenience….Never. Ever…..

If you can’t make the call even a simple email will do, just to say Hi, I’m thinking of you. You matter. That’s my beyond real thought. Being real is great but going beyond real to awesomeness is a rock star moment. To feel the love, to hear the tones of the voice, or to just see a beautiful photo taken in the woods by a father who is no longer a stranger, who sent it because he saw it and thought of me. The feeling I know as truth that “I matter” and by sending that one picture and phrase, well my friends, I think I’m truly the richest girl in the world…..And the tears of happiness prove that this grinch (just kidding) can have it’s heart expanded to almost bursting proportions….Now that is REAL.

Thanks Dad for the beautiful photo. I love it. I love you too.

Peace and Blessings my friends, now get out that cell phone and burn some minutes already.

K

Beyond real-moments of truth

Hello and beautiful Wednesday my friends. The sun is shining and I am not in top form today but you know what? That’s okay. I had to practice my yoga moves last night in bed as both pups decided they too needed the cool night breeze of the fan and to get to it, lay upon any body part of mine that was available. It was so warm and I woke several times in a sweat and I could have gotten pissed and kicked them off but you know what? I didn’t. I pulled my leg up and over them and repositioned myself several times trying to get comfortable and fell back to sleep until the next movement came. The funny thing was each time I woke up, I could see the moon beyond the window and the nicest thoughts just came to mind. Nothing in particular, just moments for me to stop and ponder before falling back into slumber. Now after the fifth time of this I laughed because I wasn’t angry. I felt bad for the pooches and I know they were most likely as uncomfortable as me (or maybe hoped at least that they were). I awoke refreshed and in a positive mood. Now my husband would have booted them onto their own bed but I was realizing just how blessed I was at that very moment, to have my best loved human and creatures beside me. How could I be angry.

So many times when I am feeling irritated and cranky, someone will say something to me and if I am paying attention, I will realize that this truth I am hearing is a blessing. Little things happen in life and they too are a blessing. I went thirty years without my real father in my life and BOOM, he’s back and for being pretty much a complete stranger in many ways to most peoples thoughts, it is like he’s always been there. I don’t know a whole lot about him but I miss him when he’s gone. I tell myself I should pick up the phone and call and then the dog runs off and I’m on the chase living the real life and the thought slips away. There’s always something getting in the way of what I should be doing and then I end up unexpectedly on a tangent with doing something else. I used to used chemo head as an excuse but then realized its been 9 years and the gist of the matter is I just get easily distracted and need to reign in my thoughts. To be present, you know? Then I get irritated that I didn’t follow through. I know life is like this for many people and I hope you somewhat agree with the assessment. To reach out and touch someone (like the old phone commercial) should be so easy. It’s not like we have to forrage for a dime (which then became a quarter and then more) because the cell phone is right there so why not pick it up and make the call? Heck, Superman doesn’t even have a changing stall anymore like the old days. We need to pick up the slack Superpeople and make those calls. I remember the days of the these words coming out of my mouth.

“Maybe I should have checked in”

“I have nothing new to say so why bother”

“I’m sure they’re probably busy and I don’t want to be a pest”

“Why would they want to hear from me?”

What happens when it’s too late? What happens when you get the call that there will be no more? WHat happens when so much time goes by and you keep telling yourself, “oh, I’ll get to it”and then you don’t and now it’s too late? The person who would have been on the other end isn’t here anymore….gone……no goodbyes, no I love you’s….just the empty feeling in the pit of your stomach of coulda,woulda,shoulda…..and now it’s too late. Life is real. Feelings are real. If someone really cares, they will never look at you like you’re a bother, an inconvenience….Never. Ever…..

If you can’t make the call even a simple email will do, just to say Hi, I’m thinking of you. You matter. That’s my beyond real thought. Being real is great but going beyond real to awesomeness is a rock star moment. To feel the love, to hear the tones of the voice, or to just see a beautiful photo taken in the woods by a father who is no longer a stranger, who sent it because he saw it and thought of me. The feeling I know as truth that “I matter” and by sending that one picture and phrase, well my friends, I think I’m truly the richest girl in the world…..And the tears of happiness prove that this grinch (just kidding) can have it’s heart expanded to almost bursting proportions….Now that is REAL.

Thanks Dad for the beautiful photo. I love it. I love you too.

Peace and Blessings my friends, now get out that cell phone and burn some minutes already.

K

Triggers of tears-(and not the equine variety)

Hello most amazing people and welcome to Tuesday. I’ve been stumped lately on a variety of things and I am really not quite sure why. I saw an article about the closing of the Roy Rogers museum and it made me wonder what is to become of Trigger. Now I realize for a lot of you Roy was before your time but I had grandparents who made me sit and watch the movies and shows with them and that is where I fell in love with palominos. I wanted one so bad. Later I was told poor trigger was stuffed and put in the museum and all I could think of was WTF? Who would do such a thing? And now with the closing, where is he going? It made me teary eyed at the thought of relics from the past being absently chucked or forgotten. Nothing lasts forever and this I know well. But why get tears eyed over a stuffed horse that probably has its fur molting off in chunks? Maybe it was the moon? I just finished a lovely lunch in the cafeteria. I was perusing my reader and a woman won a car on the price is right(the lunch show of choice for the masses). She was just so excited jumping up and down and I’ll be damned if I didn’t feel the tears welling up.

Geesh…..enough already. I am not one to cry easily and here I get the waterworks swimming in my eyes over perfect strangers. But maybe it’s the energy of things. When people feel emotion it gets carried through in the form of action. Anger, fear, happiness….most of the time you can tell from body language. Obviously if I won a million I’d be jumping up and down crying and you would say, “now that is one happy chickie”, or memories that brought joy (old Cowboys and horses) and their fall from favor due to technology and times that seem no longer relevant. Reading words, seeing body language, hearing tones of voice…..I guess it’s all about the same…energy moving, cause and effect. Sadness emits tears, as does anger and happiness. It is all a part of the whole. So why am I writing about this? Because I felt foolish. Because I sat there holding back my tears for fear of looking like a goofy dolt eating watermelon and sopping up the tears. I mean really, would anyone really truly give a crap?

 But I was afraid. I didn’t want to be laughed at. I didn’t want to be seen in an unhealthy light At work and that is where the problem is. Why? By suppressing The feelings we have, we kill ourselves, albeit slowly but those little things denied leave us defeated and feeling like dried up broken shells. We block the natural flow of things. By trying to fit in, we become like the little lemmings jumping off the cliff. We are paper cutouts of dolls. Oh we may look different but we are the same. Maybe the girl at the table next to me felt the same way, hiding tears of joy for a stranger winning a car. Maybe not. But I walked away feeling slightly fake, like I played my part like everyone else and shelved the feelings. I am not okay with that. I always admire people who can let it all hang out and be themselves. I love the people in airports who pick up a loved one and have tears in their eyes at the reunion. It brings tears to my eyes and that energy becomes the joyful thoughts that slip into the universe and keep us all human and connected. Why are we so afraid to be REAL? To let ourselves SHINE? To cry over silly things and even the important things, because after all, isn’t it all kind of important? By saying something in life isn’t important it’s like denying it. I cry. We all cry. I’m sorry my pal Trigger….I hope they find you a nice pasture to bury you in and to the lady who won today, you go girl…I’m crying with you proudly, just because….damn that feels good😀💦

Does anyone have a Kleenex or three? Damn…sold to the highest bidder. Bye Trigger. Sigh

Missing in action

The white dirty wires wiggled back and forth. The pressure gage remained low, wiggle the wires back and forth again….is there something wrong with the connection? Running fingers and grasping to push forward, connecting the metal screws as volts of energy run through the fingers round the body before the fingers could be pulled back. A scream of terror, of pain courses through as the dog runs frantically up the stairs to hide on the couch. Sitting there as breath moves quickly in and out, fingers red with a throbbing beat that matches the heartbeat. I’m not ready to die was all I could say. 

Electrocution was not on my agenda on Saturday but it all turned out ok. Lessons learned the hard way. I was not patient. I was in a hurry. I was not being present in the moment. I was still dwelling on conversations from the last few weeks with people that were replaying back in my mind like a broken record on 78 speed. The water pressure low because I had forgotten I had laundry going and it had nothing to do with the pump but I had to win the fight, had to get shit done…..had a house showing and felt the pressure building. I guess the jolt brought me back down to earth rather quickly. I walked out into the sun after cuddling the fearful shaking dog and just stood there. Wow….not fun but it was my call to stop and just let it go.

Appreciate the things that are going right, the earth is gonna move with or without me so I may as well stick around and enjoy the ride. This summer is flying by but maybe I can make it slow down, notice the trees as the leaves change color. Appreciate the people I have in my life even more while I have them. Appreciate myself too enough to slow the hell down and pay attention. I’ve been so tired lately and I think a lot of it is just the involvement in everything around me, but not ME. I am listening more to those around me and a lot of the time finding out that people can be mean. That while locked into their own insecurities it enables them to speak out against others faults. I know as I’ve been guilty too in the mean girl mentality, not oftenand rarely but once is enough, right? I hear words and I just want to float away and not be a party to it. But how do you handle someone who is being the mean party in a conversation? I changed the topic and it went away but it made me think of how many times I’ve talked to people and perhaps said something that could be construed as mean? Would I have wanted to know? Maybe I didn’t mean it the way it sounded? Communication can be a tricky thing and I am still learning everyday but in the meantime turning into bubble girl slipping away on the wind to avoid the talk that is needed. If I am going to slow down and enjoy this lovely life, I too must slow down my words and make sure I mean what I say and not say it mean. I want to be that person who will be remembered in a good light. So if we are talking and I’m not saying much, it is because I want to savor what I am hearing and interpret it correctly and not just assume you are being a jackass….just kidding, needed a light hearted moment there. Does it make sense? I often wonder myself as there is so much good in this world and I want to surround myself with goodness and truth and honest feelings, I need to walk away from the people bashing, the comments said light heartedly but That still ring in the ears with the ambulance shrill siren of truth. I hate walking away from a conversation and berating myself for not speaking up, even though the conversation was about someone I didn’t know….by not speaking up, did I just perpetuate the behavior? Let me know what you think I should have done.

So back to the of the  topic at hand, I want to savor each word because you never know when it will be the last, I want to really feel your thoughts, I want to hold hands with those I’m missing and love with each passing day. I want to wake up smiling because it is going to be a beautiful day, rain, snow or glorious sunshine. I want to slow down and take it all in as if today is my last day. I want to know I am thought of in a good way. I want to know I am loved. I am human. I am not perfect but I will keep trying at least to be a better me. If I can’t stay a part of your conversation that sits on my chest like a bolt of electricity, I apologize for the far away look in my eyes as I dream I turn into a shining bubble and float up a little higher than I am now. Someday I may speak out but not right at this second because really, I have too much good happy living to do and can’t be slowed down by the chain of negativity they are trying to tie me up in. 

I apologize for the rant my beautiful friends and if I said anything shocking. I am just tired of the petty meanness of gossip and backstabbing that seems to be taking over around me some days. Mean people suck is my favorite sticker I’ve ever seen and it holds so much truth. I don’t want to play a part of unfolding drama, I just want to live a happy peace life filled with joyous happy people. No downer Debbie’s or nasty Nellies need to apply, no vacancy. Sorry. Life is just too short, truly shocking I know….truly.
note….this is not for any specific person, just a culmination of many events in the last few weeks that have been draining my energy and happy life blood. I need to regain me and maybe by writing this out it is my read for reminding myself to step away from the dark and run like hell back to the light….and to quit playing with wires while distracted too.⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️ thanks for letting me carry on. Zip (not to ever be confused with Zap) peace and blessings beautiful ones. K

The collection…a story of feelings

Hello beautiful ones. I hope this day has found you feeling jubilant and special. Why? Because you are and that’s why I’m here…to remind you of things you need to tell yourself more often. Come on, say it with me…I am jubilant and sooooo special. See, I know you’re most likely chuckling, I know I do every time I say it but it is the truth and now you know, and if anyone asks, just tell ’em I said so.

So our little reading story for today is about collecting. I’m not talking about money, I am talking about those things that you cherish. Those bits of this and that that have a place in your happiness box  or jar. Those things. Tell me, what is it about those things that make you happy? Is it the memory attached to it? Was it perhaps where you were when you found it? Maybe it is just simply the beauty or uniqueness of the item?

When I was a child I would collect rocks. Everywhere I went, I would find a special rock to remind me of the places I had been. I had books on rocks. I knew what specimen it was and of course they were just rocks but to me they were my special rock collection. I had a few boxes stashed under my bed and a few on the shelf but for the most part, just plain old ordinary found in Charlie Browns Halloween bag rocks. So what was so special? Really, nothing much. After awhile I had so many they kind of lost their meaning. I was out west on a motorcycle trip and picked up glittery rocks, red rocks, petrified rocks, geodes, you name it. When I got home though, they kind of just sat there forgotten and a few years later when I ran across them, I couldn’t remember where I had gotten them, or what state. There was no specialness anymore. I threw them all in the garden for someone in the future to find and went about my day. I didn’t miss them. I had seen the sights and wouldn’t forget that so why hold onto the tangible item. I let it go. I didn’t have to keep hanging onto these collections. I narrowed my collection down to just a few choice specimens. The ones that held meaning for me. The ones that when I held them, truly made me feel connected and good. Feelings are like that too. I can’t hold onto feelings anymore. I can’t gather them all up and hold onto them. I need to let them be, to let them float freely around and embrace them when they are here but then let them go. Writing has given me that place. I can just write and letting the words flow and set them free to the world. I don’t want to hold onto the bad feelings, they too must go and the good can stay awhile while I enjoy the happy vibe that accompanies them but then I need to let those go, share them with someone who may need them more than me. I think my life became much simpler when I stopped collecting. Rocks, words, feelings…life needs to keep flowing like the river of abundance that it is and I can’t be weighed down by the trove of treasure. By sharing and setting it free I found I can not only float down the river, but I can climb out and soar freely.

What is it you’re collecting? What would happen if you let some of it go…set it free or gave it away to someone in need. Just a thought to make. Your day a little lighter. Use it or don’t, I won’t feel bad…I gave the feelings away already. And it’s all good.

Peace and blessings my friends. Kim

Once in a blue moon….moments of sublime joy

Hello my beautiful friends and welcome to another day in the life. I hope you had a chance where you live to check out the amazing blue moon we had the other night. I love a full moon and that night was no exception. I find my moods improve and I feel quite grounded. Usually the week leading up to it can be a bit trying with moods and emotion but once that big bright round orb sits in the sky above my head, well that is when the magic truly begins.
I had the chance to reunite with my father after an almost thirty year hiatus. It was through a slew of chance coincidences and manifesting the moment was truly one of the most inspiring things I can remember in quite a long time. I can’t say I have very many times in my life where people pop back into your life like a jack rabbit and now I long for more, not just for a father returning to orbit in my life, but of friends and anything else that was missing for awhile. It’s like finding something you thought you would never see again and then boom, there it is. A piece of jewelry, a book you had lent out and always had wondered what had become of it. The thought is always somewhere in the back of your mind but with the ongoing rush of life, it trickles slowly away until it becomes a dog eared page of memory somewhere in the mind.
Well the full moon brought up so many thoughts and truly I am still processing many of them but have also taken away alot of wisdom (at least for me) that I can carry forward on my journey to awesomeness. Please, use any and all that you want as I think they are important to remember and utilize to make life just that more special.

1. Laughter is the sweetest memory to carry with you. Remembering things said that made you laugh like a child again and pulling those thoughts out when you need them most. If nothing else a smile will be had and that always helps.

2. There are always two sides to every story and if you aren’t part of either side but somewhere in the middle like the Oreo cream, always stay there. Life wasn’t easy on the outside and with the passing of time perceptions change of who, what, where, he said, she said, etc….be the cream and stay in between.

3. Let go of any anger. It serves no one. Breathe in the moment and be happy for the now. You can’t change the past but you can move forward into the future with joy.

4. Forgive. It costs nothing except maybe an inner battle with yourself to keep hanging on to it, after all, it’s always known it to be this way so why change, right? Well to forgive and let go is like the anger above. You can’t hold grudges or create new ones to take the place of the old. It will drain you and leave you sad and angry and we all know that it isn’t a great place to be. To be happy and truly love, forgive.

5. Embrace the special times, like blue moons on high and reunions that finally happened. This moment will not come again in the same way. Go to sleep at night remembering the specialness of words that were said, hugs that were given, tears that were shed and all that is good.

6. Be grateful. You deserve all of the good in this world but to truly enjoy it and receive even more, you must be grateful of it all. It just is the way it has to be.

7. Believe in magic. Good things will happen if you move your thoughts into the mindset of what you truly want. Let the fears go and just let it happen. Don’t sweat the small stuff and wonder well, what if? Let it all go and just repeat in your mind what you want and it may not happen now or tomorrow, but you will set your life in motion to allow it to come into your life.

8. Be yourself. You can’t be anyone else so just be you. Maybe someone told you in the past how to act, how to live, etc….just be you. Don’t make excuses. If you want to laugh and be goofy, do that. If you want more joy, spread more around. But be who you are, who you were meant to be. If you fail at it, get up and keep trying.

9. Share your thoughts with those that matter. If they disregard or disrespect your feelings, well then you know that those are not the people who should be in your life. Adjust accordingly and set the sails and move on away from the anchor dragging you down.

10. Just enjoy each moment of your life as if it is your last. Talk to strangers on the bus, hug longer, cry when you feel sad, keep the memories fresh and alive and keep making more. Don’t wait for someday to do what you want to do, do it now. Tomorrow may be too late and living with regrets will never make a person joyful or happy. Do it. Get out there now and do it.

I lived the most inspiring and awesome days this past weekend, found an old friend (Dad) who has truly become “Dad” now, let go of an old friend (Zip) to the wind and earth of our home, saw a full blue moon, was given the most special gifts of the heart, and saw rain and sun and thunder all at the same time in the sky above me. I sat beside tranquil waters and truly laughed till it hurt. I forgave. I felt alive again and whole.
This life is truly amazing. I couldn’t ask for more but you know what? I will. I will rush headlong into the day and wrap my arms around the joy of my soul and say we’re not done till I say were done and that is that. Look out world, here I come. Come on, you can come too or if you’re not ready, will meet you on the way.
Peace and blessings X Infinity.
K

And about the photo: was showing Dad all the fun one can have on an ipad camera. This was just one of our silly stretch faces. Still laughing. Really, we look amazing in real life.

How to enjoy life….(step away from that device)

Hello most amazing people. You are all looking so very beautiful and fit and tanned today. The summer is upon us full throttle and I saw the weather forcast this morning and thought life had ended and we were all in hell. I mean 90+ degrees, really? Now here I am trying to sell our house and hot, sweltering, and I get the “why can’t I be swimming in the pond instead of next door in the shade at the neighbors cabin trying to keep the dogs in check?” attitude. Oh, and they have only an outhouse at the cottage…and no running water….and the realtors never call us when they’re done so two days of showings later spending an hour and a half each showing and waiting patiently when I could be floating like a scoop of ice cream in rootbeer but in a pond. They never call to tell us they’re done….kind of rude I thought even after we told them to. But such as life and I get over it and I am actually enjoying this hot balmy weather and with the ultimate move to Florida, that is a great feeling. I am embracing it. I am giving myself a big damp hug and saying “baby, this is just the start”, and then I visualize Buffalo in the winter and if I am in Florida by then, WOW. From hell to the arctic and back. Ok, it’s not really hell and I was just kidding that it was….hell is when I’m stuck in a group environment and no one is talking to each other….if sitting around the campfire, the flickering flames cast an eerie glow, leaving our faces in shadow…but what’s that I see? The glow of a phone, or two, or five…..What ever happened to conversation? The stuff you have with the person sitting next to you….the tales you weave, the songs you may sing (kumbaya comes to mind for campfires for some reason). Hey, how’s your day? Let’s start there….and you get the mumbled response. They are looking down, not at you and their mind is somewhere but certainly not here at this moment. Now I think that is just the saddest thing. Really, we are supposed to be connected by the universal invisible string (picture super big ginormous piece of tooth floss) tying us all in together in this big amazing world and you want to sit and text your friend who is sitting next to you?
Wow, now that is just sad.
Have you ever sat next to someone and looked into their eyes for an extended amount of time and just marveled at the thoughts that ran through your head? Maybe wondered what they are thinking at the same exact moment? It is an incredible feeling and it connects you to others in such a simple way.
Take for example my bestie…
My bestie is in California? camping (well, she lives in Cali but I’m not sure if she is camping in the state) but anyway, we met at a conference of sorts on infinite possibilities in Key West six months ago. She was older than me and kind of took me in like a mother duck. Well one of the exercises we had was to pick the person next to us and just sit there and stare into each others eyes and connect. We had to wish something for them or describe what we saw when we looked inward so deeply. Well her and I have become the best of buds, and she is camping. Away from technology and the world at large…old school camping pretty much with a group but alone ultimately. I am so very jealous in a way but so very happy for her opportunity to prove that she can do it…unless there’s an earthquake which I hope not. But to do something like that, getting completely away and not at a hotel with a tv or radio or endless distraction. So I did a little experiment the other day and went off the grid for three days. I didn’t even open my ipad which is my email/FB/everything connection to the world. I would walk by it and reach out to flip the cover and gently remind myself that ‘NOPE”, you are not to touch it. I spent time outside, I hugged a tree, I danced in the garage with the dogs when no one was watching. I TALKED to real life people. I put the gadgets away and you know what I found? Peace. Yes, Peace and damn did it feel good. I felt centered. I felt alive and at one. I took in the sights and scents of fresh air, I sat by the pond and watched the fish swish around and got downright giddy when I heard an owl one morning making its hooty sounds. I smiled, and it was enough. I was where I needed to be, present in the moment and aware of it.
Sadly day four and back to reality with 264 emails to respond to. I knocked those off, rearranged my priorities and got rid of somethings I thought I wanted to deal with but ultimately measured against would it make me happy to continue down that path, if I answered no, I gently pressed the delete button. I love this life I am given and these days are rushing by so very quickly. I don’t want to be the one in the end wondering what kind of quality life did I leave? Was I creative, putting something beautiful and inspiring out into this world or did I carelessly fritter it away on what in the end would amount to nothing? I chose quality over distraction and feel much better for it. If I had one take away from it, it brought into my memory my friend who died a few months ago short of her 28th birthday (or possibly 29th). The last time she came to dinner as we sat discussing our days (her, myself and hubs) I remember feeling so let down as she held the phone in her hand throughout the meal and spent most of it looking into her lap texting. I hope it was important but I would have instead liked to have had the words from her lips that will now no longer ever be. Wasted time is lost time and I’m tired of losing it needlessly. I will set aside one day a week now and go off the grid. I will turn off the phone, the ipad and I will live. I will sing, and laugh and perhaps even swim in that pond on a gorgeous sunny hell hot day and I will relish in the memories I will make. I don’t need a selfie of my life. It lives in my mind and will till I die.
Give it a try my friends. It will be hard for sure, but once you do it and you listen to the whisper of the wind through the trees or hear an apple fall and that dull thunking sound it makes as it hits the ground, or the drone of the big bulky bumblebee humming in a flower, then you know you are tuned into the greatest frequency. The frequency of life. Let me know if you do and if you feel more at peace. Be alive and in the meantime, see you on the peaceful side.
Peace and blessings,
K

PS. not sure what day I may pick to go off the grid, we have some rain coming in the next few days and I’m thinking of porch rocking (under protected roof of course) in a lightning storm may just be what the peace doctor ordered. Care to join in? I’ll set out an extra chair. photo is my happy messy desk at home….lots of fun and color. Set loose the inner child.

Lessons in gratitude….a letter to the universe

Dear universe,
I know I don’t say it enough but thank you. I woke up this morning and yesterday too for that matter and there was just so much peace flowing through me that I had to actually stop and try to figure out why. (and also how I can I bottle up that awesomeness for a rainy day too of course) and the sun popped up while I stood under the big awesome sky above me and it too was amazing. I said it out loud, “thank you” and for every little thing that had happened the prior days, good or bad I continually just said thank you. Even if it seemed not so good, I again said thanks. For each little gesture or sign, again I said thank you and you know what? you kept bringing more and more. I must say I was a bit floored for awhile thinking “why me?” I don’t deserve to have this much joy and then the little voice above said YES, you do. I had been pondering a part of the book I am going to be working on and six hours asking aloud on which choice would be better for where I’m going with the story, I see my answer on a sign in front of church while waiting at a red light. The same exact answer to what I was pondering (under the apple tree is what the sign said). I asked it to show me certain numbers and BOOM, done. Still not quite believing, the next day I asked for another set of numbers and not only did I get the new ones I had asked for, I also got a replay of the ones from the day before….I think you were laughing at me, truly I do. But I laughed too and said thank you. The more open and loving I am being, the more I am receiving. It is truly awesome but you were just waiting for me to believe, to see, right? So flash back a few days ago and I wrote a piece about a bible set from when my father was a child he had been given that I had put out at my garage sale (for free, no charge) and how they had no meaning to me. After all, I hadn’t spoken to him in over 20 years so why keep them? Funny you, Mr Universe, upon putting the house on the web for sale, we went to the realitor to find out if there had been any progress. He asked about a name on his message machine and if I truly knew that person. Who would that person be? My father. He lives out of state. Well I was a bit flummoxed to say the least and most likely spelled that wrong too but who cares, right? Yep, but he didn’t find me through the blog that I had written a few days before, but it was through a chain series of events that had nothing to do with what I had written. And now he’s coming to town and getting older and wants to see his girls before he departs (not that I think he’s dying or anything nor did he say he was), but Wow Universe….Because I put it out there, he who shall not be spoken of and because I came to accept what is and no longer hold any hard feelings (I thought I had no feelings about it one way or the other)and to just let it go, let it be. I feel so much peace. So you’ve given me the numbers I’ve asked for, my father back into my life, and I am walking on air with the possibility of what will come next. I am opening myself up to not being angry or irritated by expectations that I may have for others, I am just letting it flow through my life like the river of joy it has become. Now I may still have my days when I wonder what you’re thinking when something happens that makes me feel sad, when I try to get others to join me in this fantastic voyage that is life and am all but given the “talk to the hand, no interest” attitude. I am moving forward regardless. So I know you are going to send me through this life with the most amazing tribe of friends that you we can muster and I know we are going to have so much fun. Darn, I can’t stop saying it enough but Thank you!!!! I feel so truly grateful for these little blessings and gifts, I had to share this with my world. Hope you don’t mind.
I am singing a song in my heart….can you guess what it is? I woke up singing it this morning and haven’t stopped….’cause everyday is “gonna be the best day of my life”, dontcha know it. Come on, let’s get crazy and dance this amazing day away. Thank you.
Thanks a million….can’t wait to see what’s up your cloud sleeve next.